Growing up in the early 2000s, chances are you owned a copy of The Care and Keeping of You, or some other equally awkward, illustration-filled body manual. These prepubescent bibles warned us of all the changes to come as a teenager, and seemed to promise that after 7 years of embarrassing acne and the daily, crippling fear our periods would start (was anything scarier?), the rest would be history! We’d be WOMEN, and by then our undoubtedly sexy woman bodies would be in working order!
Well I’m here to tell you we’ve been duped.
If you’ve reached the milestone-no-one-said-was-a-milestone — aka, the age of 25 — you’ll likely know what I’m talking about. Changes you’d never prepared for have begun to sneak up on you. The following are just a few examples of bodily weirdness that awaits us at a quarter century!
1. Cool guess I have acne now
I was one of the lucky few who managed to escape high school and college without experiencing any major breakouts. I was even once told in high school that I had “angel skin.” Angel skin! Well, either angels struggle with cystic acne, or my skin has fully rebelled against me. Keeping a clear complexion has become a struggle I never expected to have, let alone in my mid-20s. With changes in hormones and progesterone, many women will experience acne for the very first time post-teens. Go ahead and schedule that facial, you’ll thank me later!
2. Hangovers: 1, Me: 0
At 21 years old, I could pound a bottle of Goldschläger at midnight and wake up ready to take a midterm, rescue a puppy, and run a 5k before noon. Now? I can hardly eat bread without gagging. Hangovers take on an epic level of strength in your mid-twenties. Let’s just say before a heavy drinking night out these days, I ask myself, “am I prepared to do nothing but binge watch Netflix tomorrow?” (Yes).
3. Sleep, I miss you
Ahh yes, speaking of hangovers, remember the days of sleeping in until 1pm? Those were cute. Now my body rockets me wide awake at 8am, regardless of the time I went to bed. Forget about the “recommended eight hours.” Try as I might, insomnia has become a new routine, constantly challenging my ability to switch off my brain. You’ll try herbal teas and essential oils, but mostly long for the days it required your mother banging on the bedroom door to get you conscious.
4. My vagina hates me
I will never forget waking up with my first UTI. It was painful, it was burning, and it led to a subsequent three more in the following year. Yeast infection? Been there too! And if you’re really looking for a party, try bacterial vaginosis. That’ll cling to you longer than Dylan from Tinder.
5. Where did this booty come from?
Despite it all, not EVERY change you’ll face in your mid-twenties is negative. Getting curves is an exciting moment many of us will finally experience! Maybe our maturing bodies don’t hate us, after all! Pack up those size 0 Hollister shorts you were questionably still wearing, and embrace your new Kim K booty!
6. I just had sex, and it feels so good
Perhaps it’s the shifting hormones, your new Big Butt Confidence, or both, but sex sounds and feels better than ever at this point in your 20s! You’ve gotten past the mediocre romps on dorm room futons, and your G-spot has officially been located. By this age, you’ve not only spent years growing confident in your body, but your body fully knows what it likes. And no, it’s not you, Dylan.