Before I even get started, let me begin by saying that I hemmed and hawed about using the word “slutty” here, at risk of being offensive. But I ultimately decided to go ahead with it because it’s the word that actual brands use to describe their adult women’s costumes and I’m just trying to be an accurate journalist K? K.
Ah, October. The leaves are a-changin’. The Pumpkin Spice Lattes have been unleashed. And I’m officially knee-deep in candy corn.
And in just a week’s time, Halloween will be upon us. I’m notorious among my friends for having really bad great costume ideas all year round and then come October, I blank. (Although, this may be the year that I finally pull the trigger on my Planter’s Peanut Guy idea.) The truth is, even though we may not be of trick-or-treat age anymore, the pressure is still on to find a great costume for Halloween.
Unfortunately, a “great costume” these days is just a regular costume but with less clothing. A popular character, but in hotpants (why would we do that to Elmo, you guys, WHY?). And I’m here to tell you: we are better than that. I know I may have already lost a handful of you because some women consider Halloween their one time of the year to throw caution to the wind and “look sexy” (aka forget to put pants on.) And I get that. Kinda. There’s nothing wrong with looking good on Halloween. I wouldn’t know, of course, since my last three costumes have been a lumberjack, my dad, and a cougar, respectively.
But for what it’s worth, I beg you to consider the role you’re playing in what I believe to be a slutty costume epidemic, because I think it’s gotten out of hand. We all know the old standbys: naughty nurse, slutty kitten, sexy devil, but I just did a quick Google search and I found costumes for a ‘slutty penguin,’ ‘slutty Care Bear,’ and ‘sexy big bad wolf.’ I can’t even.
And so, I’m here to convince you not to wear slutty costumes this Halloween. In 9 reasons or less. While simultaneously pissing off ogling men everywhere.
So here you go: 9 Reasons to boycott slutty costumes this Halloween:
1. You will not freeze your buns off.
This is Chicago. In almost-November. Guess what provides very little insulation? Fishnets. Let me say it another way: last year I was a lumberjack. Including suspenders and a beard and flannel. I have never been more comfortable or warm in my life and I think you are scientifically more likely to have more fun when you are warm and comfortable. Don’t fight science, ladies.
2. Your mom is on Facebook.
She survived Spring Break 2003. Don’t make her look through an album of you as a Slutty Cat in the Hat.
3. Guys actually love a funny, un-sexy costume.
A guy friend of mine looked at me a few years ago (when I was dressed as my dad, of course) and said, “Wow, you really don’t like looking sexy on Halloween huh?” But I think what he was saying was “I totally respect you, Lyndsay.” Any guy worth your time will appreciate creativity over cleavage.
4. You will love yourself in the morning.
I’m not talking about any decision-making the night before. I literally mean your feet won’t be permanently mangled from your 5 inch heels, your circulation won’t have been cut off from spandex, and you won’t have lost half of your eyelashes to falsies.
5. Sexy Ghost is better as a hashtag, not a costume.
Just ask Jimmy Fallon.
6. The less you have in common with Miley the better.
Don’t get me wrong. I can’t wait till my next break up so I can fully appreciate “Wrecking Ball,” but the less your costume looks like a Miley leotard/hotpants get-up, the better for your soul.
7. You will have kids someday.
“And this… well, this is when Mommy was a Sexy Teddy Graham. Uh, no, Sweetie, just because Mommy’s not wearing pants doesn’t mean you don’t have to. Ok, that’s enough of the photo album for now.” Do you want to have THIS conversation? I didn’t think so.
8. You are more creative than that.
You are! You are smart and interesting and there are hundreds of costume ideas that will tap into that. In fact, Huffington Post has a handy little list they just made for 2013. Voila!
9. No one will make the joke “What are you this year? A hooker?”
That alone is a win, my dears.
Well there you have it. Just remember: you don’t have to dress like a trick to get a treat (sorry, the wordplay was too much for me to resist).
And now, let’s all be pals and throw out the BEST, non-slutty, hilarious costumes we’ve seen in years past and/or your genius idea for this year. Annnnnd go:
READ OTHER FIGURING IT OUT COLUMNS BY LYNDSAY RUSH:
Would You Date Your Friend?
What Tinder Taught Me about Dating and Humanity, Okay Just Dating
Stop Taking Dating Advice
No Such Thing as a Blind Date