Coffee Talk: Facebook Woes

Nov 12, 2012

Coffee Talk: Facebook Woes

Your friend has an embarrassing photo of you from the bar last night. That old competition from high school lands a job at a magazine in Manhattan. Your ex gets engaged.

In the Age of Innocence (read: before the launch of Facebook), none of these life pests inhabited much of a space in reality beyond the confines of secret humiliation and subsequent discomposure in your own mind. We live in a different world now—one that doesn’t even give us the chance of ignorance to get a shot at bliss. Though Facebook is described by some as virtual, much of the ensuing drama exists in reality. That embarrassing photo? You’re already tagged. Your ex? Staring you in the face alongside his perfect fiancé. “Irksome” doesn’t begin to cover it—this is simply cruel and unusual punishment. And all you did was sign up for a Facebook account.

We want to know—when your Facebook feed is too down-trodden with ugly news from your past or present, how do you handle it? Are you always happy for the successes of others? Do you consistently de-friend when you break up with someone? How do you deal with those seemingly ever-present Facebook woes?

image via

elizabeth fitzgerald

Leigh Ann

That’s easy! I quickly get off Facebook and head to Pinterest. There are only beautiful things and happiness on Pinterest.
Lauren Maxwell

It’s so hard for me to cut that off. The information is so addictive!

http://Www.laurenmaxwell.blogspot.com
Emily

I hide everyone that even remotely irks me, that way i can go find them when I need to be annoyed – which is never.
Kim

I don’t have Facebook. Plain and simple. My friends have tried to talk me into signing up for one but I won’t.
Laura

My biggest problem on FB is the internal competition I establish with people who probably think about me once every 98456 days. I’m very fortunate that I got into a relationship early on in the FB craze and I haven’t had any of the relationship drama on there. My “bad” breakup happened before FB existed. BUT, when it comes to comparing myself in terms of how I’ve advanced in my career (read: I HAVEN’T), I could be committed for how depressed and competitive I get. Friends that moved to NYC and are architects, others who travel 180 days of the year, other friends who are married, own a home, rented it out, bought another home, renovated it, and just graduated with their master’s… and they’re 27. BARF!

If I don’t like them, then I ask myself WTF did I friend them in the first place, and get rid of them. I’d say I like all the people I’m friends with on FB, and truly wish them well. I force myself to stop making it about me and think about what they’ve done that I haven’t, and quietly congratulate them for their sacrifices and their successes in my mind… and then I go binge on Pinterest.

Cree

Sooo honest and relatable!!! I myself had to deactivate my profile at age 20…then got a new account. I went from having 400 friends to 80 and honestly, that number is MUCH more manageable. I also get use out of the feature of only wanting to be notified of “lifetime event” statuses from most of the status-addicted people.

http://twitter.com/aliciasturdy Alicia Sturdy

When I don’t have the heart to unfriend, I unsubscribe.
Beedy

I wish I could be the snarky anti-supporter that could respond to posts with a rebuttal, like “How much are your parents paying for that condo of yours?” or “So.” I think “So.” is one of the best snarky responses to squash someone’s self righteous enthusiasm. Alas, everything you put on the internet is permanent and I force myself to stick to the age old wisdom of, “if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all”. Although, I do think an anti-FB would be a nice change every once in a while, and comic relief is always helpful.
http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=565286862 Sonia Faudoa

For the previous comments i guess this is gonna be a common answer: I go Pinterest. it just makes me smile and makes me start planning new DIY to keep me away from all the drama.

Of course theres been the casual day that fb turns me blue, but hey i just go on complaining for a while on Twitter then go back to my cute pinterest or youtube gurus and then go back on fb and show them all that they got nothing on me (not that they did on the first place).
Tiara_c87

I delete just about all the stupid people on Facebook who stalk me and send dumb messages to my inbox and they are mostly guys and trashy stuff I get disgusted by it when it’s on my news feed
Dani

I try to use those irksome moments as opportunities to evaluate and appreciate my own life. My husband and I are active artists and musicians, and yes, we have degrees, but our lives will never look like those of our friends who are, say, lawyers or doctors. And thank goodness, because that’s not what we chose.

If the path you’re on, career-wise or otherwise doesn’t measure up, maybe it’s time to re-evaluate. If your doing what you sought out to do, then take a moment to appreciate your own efforts. If that doesn’t help just consider that if your friends are on a different path, they might be envious of what you have!
Vegan

Ughh totally understand. This past weekend I spent my weekend in the office. This was Chicago last weekend of beautiful weather and I got to observe it from my office windows. Then I got home and crashed couldn’t even catch the whole Bears game. Where is my social life going?
Molly McConn

It’s like being a celebrity–the possibility of constant spotlight and public humiliation is something you have to embrace as a consequent of displaying your life on a pubic profile. Just like they deal with Paprazzi and tabloids, we deal with it. But, we revel in how easily it allows us to communicate, share exciting news, photos and keep tabs on our favorite style icons, brands, etc. Also, embarrassing things will always follow you. Easy solution: try to steer clear of putting yourself in those situations!
http://twitter.com/FrancescaBarger Francesca Barger

I think one of the biggest things we have to realize, myself included, is how no-good & positively rotten comparison can be. What’s the saying? “Comparison is the thief of joy.”? Safe to say that Teddy Roosevelt was on to something there. Being happy or envious or frustrated, no matter how rational (or irrational) it may be, is a choice, and one we can only make for ourselves. Who has time to wallow in a pool of self-pity or steep in a horrid brew of jealousy anyway? I’m expecting a little more for (and of!) myself because joy should be found where I am & where I’m going. I think we get caught up in wishing we could have somebody else’s current phase of life as our “next” phase when social media seems to awaken our senses to the fact that maybe life didn’t pan out the way we’d planned. It’s important to not get caught up in what’s “next” because at some point, where we rest right now was “next”. Perspective is essential!

http://occasionseventdesign.blogspot.com/ Rachel Moger

Francesca! I was so happy to see your comment here. (it was so good meeting you at MTH) and I completely agree with your sentiment on comparison. Once I freed myself from people who were constantly hovering one step ahead of me, I am able to enjoy where I’m at NOW with the people who mean most to me. No need to waste time on Facebook or do anything that makes you feel less than a star!

DebraKay86

I think we can control that drama by friending the appropriate people i.e. our actually friends and good acquaintances. Why be friends with people you don’t like? Facebook has become a “collection” of people. People who don’t even really matter in your life. I understand sometimes you can’t help catching wind of things you don’t want to hear about but isn’t the risk less when you don’t have 400 + friends?
Truthfully, I have too many people on my facebook but I do like to reach as many people possible with my jewelry and such but if I don’t want to see certain individuals feed I unsubscribed so they’re not actually deleted but I don’t get updates from them. Easy.
Debrahonestlydebra.blogspot.com
http://answertheunasked.blogspot.com/ J.Mill

“…doesn’t even give us the chance of ignorance to get a shot at bliss” mmm-hmm. Good quote.

I’m a blatant de-friender. I’ll ask someone to take down a photo. If someone I de-friend finds out and asks a mutual friend why, I ask that mutual friend to redirect that person to me. They have my email (at least) and can get at me if they need to.

I also flag those viral photos of animal/child abuse or sexual pictures that pop up in sponsored/spam/chain-mail posts. You should control your FB. See what you want to see. Of course you know that there are things in the world that are wrong/unsettling, but that doesn’t mean that you have to see them. And of course you should deal with whatever emotions awaken from seeing an ex move on, but that doesn’t meant you have to punish yourself with the literal image. Give yourself permission to purge!
http://profiles.google.com/sarah.comfortandjoy Sarah Coleman

Comparison is the thief of joy. If you’re upset to see that your ex got engaged or a friend got into med school, or your bff is partying while you’re stuck working the weekend, you might want to start by addressing your own self esteem. When you’re happy with who you are, events in other people’s lives are just events in other people’s lives. Facebook is the symptom, not the cause of the discomfort.
Halle Murray

I always de-friend after a breakup – it’s the only way (in my opinion) to feel “out” of each other’s lives and move on!
Charmaine

I deleted my facebook! Its so easy to feel your mood drop when you finish reading through your mini feed. I didn’t like feeling that way, so I deleted it. I’ll admit, it was hard at first. I found myself reactivating too often for every little reason. Over time, I no longer had any desire to go back to facebook and I’m much happier! I didn’t lose friends or miss out on events. It’s great.
http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=698471576 Ruvie Mangoma

I think what FB has done unfortunately is trapped people into believing, a quick snapshot is an entire representation of that person s entire “happy” life. Face it, we only post the best looking pics of ourselves 90% of the time.
All in all, set a FB limit for yourself, i.e no more than 45min a day or no more than 5 logins a day, then go out there, and live out the best version of you with the one life u have!
http://twitter.com/cammixc Lisa

I’ve been spending less and less time on Facebook so the bragging tends to get lost in the TMI and drama updates!
Bree

What I do is deactivate my facebook for a bit, count my blessings and realize my time will come.
Shayna_Steel_Petal_Press

seeing info on FB is no different than seeing it in real life. You can see your ex’s photo online with his new fiance OR you can run into him or her on the street with the new S.O.

Honestly I think people spend too much time on Facebook anyways. If something bothers you then log of, or go on and stalk if that’s what you wanna do, but don’t bitch about it.
http://motleyrevue.com/ Sarah

In my younger days, I would de-friend those who did me wrong in an act of Minnesota passive-agressive vengeance. As I’ve grown older (and wiser), I no longer use Facebook in this way or to stalk exes or keep up with what the Joneses are doing (for the most part). If I run into situations where I do see a story in my newsfeed that brings about negative emotions, I simply unsubscribe from that person’s updates. That way, there’s none of that pathetic looking, you did me wrong so I’m going to un-friend you stuff, but at the same time, I’m not greeted with their life updates every time I log in.
Stephanie

I love this thread. It’s so honest and it makes me feel better to read that I’m not alone. While I check Facebook several times a day (like almost everyone else I know), I can honestly say that I feel best about myself when I go an entire night without signing on. Or even a full day. But eventually I get sucked back in because I just have to know what’s going on in everyone’s lives.

And then the comparisons and jealousy slowly creep in. Because really, what is Facebook for if not to brag about ones latest purchases, month long trips to Australia or the hip night club you hit up with your prettiest friends. But the truth is, I’m guilty of posting this kind of stuff too. At the end of the day though, Facebook always leaves me feeling a little sad and unsettled, and it takes a reminder from my better to half to make me realize that “hey, I really do have an awesome life” and comparing myself to my “friends” on Facebook just isn’t worth it.

As for past embarrassments I’m proud to say that I’ve always conducted myself on FB just as I have in real life, with what I hope is class and self-respect. I always keep in mind that potential employers could view my profile and that it really is a reflection of who I am. I don’t even keep an updated relationship status because who’s business is it really? and this way I don’t have to answer any questions if I go from In a relationship to single, or vice versa

This was much longer than I intended. I’m done now!
Sara Josie

It is really hard at times…but I try to keep things in perspective. Everyone has ups and downs. After that “self-talk”, I’ll head to pinterest or houzz.
Laura

Delete Facebook. Seriously. It’s a no brainer.
I deleted mine a couple years ago thinking that I would just lose it for a little while. I was finishing up my last year of college and didn’t want the distraction. But once it was gone I felt totally free. I will never go back.

All those people you think you need to stay in touch with? You don’t. If someone in your life actually matters you will find the time to call or at least text them. You don’t need to know everything about everyone and they sure as hell don’t need to know everything about you. Live life, don’t life cast.
http://thezeka.tumblr.com/ Ana

I don’t ‘friend’ anyone I’m not really friends with, so I end up with a feed that shows me things I truly care about and I’m genuinely happy for other people’s success.