Coffee Talk: How Do You Cultivate Healthy Girl-ships?

Oct 12, 2012

Coffee Talk: How Do You Cultivate Healthy Girl-ships?

We’ve all been there. A friend speaks about you behind your back, provides unnecessary competition for a job or a boy, and you are left in the dust contemplating how a friendship could be riddled with so many challenges. Relationships among women can be some of the most complicated. They can also be some of the most fulfilling. The close, intimate friendships that grow among women have the potential to be truly extraordinary. So, when it comes having a healthy relationship with other girls, how do you avoid the drama? How do you know when you’ve found a keeper? How do you cultivate healthy girl-ships?

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elizabeth fitzgerald

http://www.facebook.com/drew.martino Drew Martino

Speaking from someone who just went thru losing a best friend. Girl relationships are EXTREMELY hard. They get so catty & I hate drama. I believe that for you to truly know you have found a life-long friend you need to have trust & be able to not only go out and have fun but have that person you can rely on. They need to be there for bad times & the best times!

http://www.catfishandcaviar.com
JV

I’m only 26, but in my experience, cultivating healthy relationships with female friends is just like cultivating relationships with anyone – keeping your word, treating others the way you want to be treated, and — this one is hard for many women, myself included – recognizing that occasional conflict is natural between human beings and can in fact be very healthy, depending on how you handle it. There is the healthy, appropriate way (by being direct, fair, and kind), and the unhealthy, relationship-damaging way (by being catty, mean, or passive-aggressive). I think that from a young age, women in our society are taught that conflict equates to meanness and should be avoided at all costs (hence the cattiness), but airing grievances and clearing the air is essential to not only maintaining healthy, quality friendships, but deepening them, too. Over time, bottling it all up only puts up walls, and carrying resentment toward a friend isn’t fair to them, either.
http://answertheunasked.blogspot.com/ JMill

I’m also 26, but think that girl-ships are challenging in a completely different way than relationships with guys. I mean, guys will always think of you as a girl (attraction) first and a friend (kinship) second. Women think of you as a girl (competition) first and a friend (kinship) second.

When I moved to the city, I found myself making friends with guys more quickly when I was single. When I got in a relationship/engaged/married, I found myself pretty alone. And its during those transitions you need girl-ships!

Girl-ships have been hard for me only in my adult life. I now know that there are complex things about girls who cannot make relationships with girls. I am wary of girls with no girl friends. I have a few good girl friends now and am still close with the girls I grew up around.

I hear ya!
Jessie

I find that a lot of relationships between women form out of convenience or jealousy as opposed to truly shared values or compatible personality types. For me, the relationships that have lasted the test of time have been those that were formed because of shared values and interests. We have been able to share activities and meaningful memories because the things we’ve done together haven’t just been going to a club/party but hiking, travelling, and volunteering. These are the kind of activities that test your ability to handle conflict, show you at your best and worst and give both of you the opportunity to support and build each other up (or discover that some people prefer to tear you down). Knowin that you both value strong relationships are are genuinly in it for the long haul, not short term convenience takes out the drama and some occasional testing (travel/volunteering, etc) is a gerat way to know if you want that relationship to last. If not, time to gracefully bow out before the gaps in your relationship become chasms.
Mary

I’ve found friendships with other women are becoming easier as I get older– I’m 31. I think you attract what you are projecting and cultivate what you are expecting from others. Trust was a problem for me. I’ve had trouble trusting and found myself in relationships with friends who broke my trust repeatedly. At 30, I finally cut off those relationships as well as ones that had a competitive or critical element. Learning to be less critical of myself and others helped. These days, I’m finding my new relationships to be more fulfilling and nurturing. There are lots of fun, interesting, and trustworthy ladies out there to befriend. Not everyone wants to compete or be catty and if you are trying to make a friendship like that work, save yourself some grief and move on.
http://peeptoesandpolaroids.blogspot.com/ Francesca

The key to healthy, honest, stand-the-test-of-time relationships with anyone is to be as unoffendable as humanly possible. And it is possible. Offense rears its ugly head when unmet expectations suddenly appear at your doorstep & you’re given the choice to either invite them in to stay, or send them packing. People make mistakes; it’s inevitable! We’re flawed human beings. But if we’d stop jumping to conclusions & assuming the worst instead of the best, we’d be a lot better off. It’s easy enough to be there for someone when times get tough–the shoulder to cry on, the award-winning advice columnist, the deliverer & co-partaker of the soul satisfying cookies & milk–we can spout encouragement until we’re blue in the face, & we all know laughter with friends really is the best medicine. But don’t forget to be there when all the lights are on & everyone’s home & there’s a celebration happening that the likes of this world’s never seen–the times when things are great, jealousy is going to try & rear it’s ugly head & you should know now that the green eyed monster doesn’t look good on you. Rejoice in other people’s joys & don’t be so consumed about “getting yours”. Be the friend you want to have–and always remember, you become the company you keep. Life’s too short to spend it alone.

Natalie Comstock

This is fantastic. I totally agree about being unoffendable. Being there for someone when “all the lights are on” is a great perspective that I hadn’t thought about. I feel like we always say you have to be there in the rough times too, but I do think you’re right in that it’s easier to be there during the rough times than in the moments when someone else is experiencing success. Thanks for the paradigm shift!

Francesca Barger

Natalie, I feel awful that I’m just now seeing your comment. I’m humbled that my words struck a cord with you–I appreciate our common ground! Here’s to the both of us being the type of friend we’d want to have!

Sarah

To have good friends, you have to be a good friend. You have to make the effort. You have to check in just to chat and remember special occasions. Building trust and connection is a two way street and you have to be willing to do your part. Blaming other people, holding grudges, and focusing on the negative won’t get you very far. I think the hardest thing about friendships in my late twenties is not passive aggressive behavior or cattiness, it’s finding time to hang out together. People are so busy! It’s hard not to take it personally when friends are often too busy for you. That’s when I try to remember to continue to reach out and stay open to others rather than automatically closing off and getting defensive.
Jessica McDonald

I absolutely LOVE spending time with all my girl friends and think one of the most important things is making sure that you both put in equal effort and put aside time to hang out with each other, but at the same time you make sure that you have some alone time for yourself! I find that it really helps me refresh and gain some perspective on situations and that I’m able to have a lot more fun with my friends when I also spend some time apart from them (even if its just for a lazy afternoon!)
when we wander

I feel like there shouldn’t be a ton of drama if you’ve found a keeper. Every friendship is going to have it’s ups and downs obviously, just as any relationship will, but if you respect one another and you’re honest, there won’t be so much unnecessary drama with which to deal.
http://www.whenwewander.blogspot.com
http://www.tyckledtales.com/ Karen of Tyckled Tales

Authencity. Being open with one another. Not holding things in. Approaching all your relationships with an open heart and mind and appreciate that every person is different.
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http://twitter.com/cleanandproper Sarah Jane Dunaway

It’s amazing how friends continually come and go. I recently reunited with a good friend from high school and meanwhile my group of best friends from college are becoming less close each year. I’m learning quickly (through my upcoming February wedding) that the friends you make after college and after going through the “getting married and having babies” stage may be the friends that last a lifetime.
http://twitter.com/FitNWellMommy Fit ‘N’ Well Mommy

Girl relationships are definitely hard, but also wonderful at the same time. I am fortunate to have a few best friends in my life who I have been friends with since childhood. The reason we have all stayed close friends (even living in different states) is that we have always been there for each other (no matter what happened in our lives), supporting each other, providing an ear for listening, having a shoulder to cry on or laughing to make each other feel better. I think these things are the key to a lasting close friendship and also factors for knowing if someone is a keeper.
Chetsi

I have two really close girl friends. One has been the other half of my world for almost 9 years now. I love her more than I love any other single person on this planet. We always say that life is hard, but it’s somehow easier to bear when we’re together. What has kept us together is patience, respect, and absolutely no competition. We are as different as night and day in looks and personality. But we’ve always framed it as we compliment each other- put together we make one complete and totally awesome person. We grown up together, changed together, struggled together. My respect for her grows every year. My other best friend was made my junior year in college. What solidifies our relationship is that we challenge each other to be better people through what we deam “social experiments” on each other. The first one started as a challenge to be completely honest in a compassionate way. If i was arrogant, she had the obligation and challenge to bring it to my attention. If she was being insensitive, it was my obligation to bring it to her attention with compassion. Through these “experiments” we learned how to be real and how to say I’m sorry to each other. She taught me how to have a spine and a heart. It takes a lot of guts, in my opinion, to realize when you’ve said something that hurt your friend, be able to take a deep breath, and genuinely approach her to apologize without prompting or getting defensive. It also teaches you how to stand up for yourself- even with female friends whom you’re eager to please.A romantic comedy once said, “Choose the guy that makes you a better girl.” I’ve always applied that to my female friendships- choose the women who challenge you to be a better version of yourself.