Coffee Talk: How Long Should You Date Before Getting Engaged

Dec 14, 2012

Coffee Talk: How Long Should You Date Before Getting Engaged

Ok, so you’ve found “The One.” Maybe you’ve been dating for as little as a few weeks or as long as a few years. How long should you date before getting engaged? What circumstances do you consider before taking the steps to tie the knot? Is age relevant? Do financial situations or job security affect your decision? How long is too long to wait for a serious commitment, if you know you’re ready for a ring? Would you ever give your significant other an ultimatum, and how long would you wait?

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Annie Del Walsh

http://www.eatdrinkshoplove.com/ Jewel at Eat.Drink.Shop.Love

It depends on how old you are, I think. I am 27 and single. But one thing I learned from previous long term relationships is that a guy knows if he wants to Marry you 3 months in and it takes 2 years for you to really get to know each other. By two years you should know each others strengths and weaknesses.
Chloe Moon

I’ve been dating my boyfriend for 2 and half years and HIS family not mine is like that’s too long to be dating and not be engaged. They proposed me giving him an ultimatum….It’s a crazy battle I’m going through right now! AHH!!!

Ergo – Blog
http://hotmesscoolday.wordpress.com/ Lindsay @ Hot Mess, Cool Day

I really think it depends on a lot of factors, mostly the people involved. My husband and I were engaged after 1.5 years of dating and married after 3 years. It has to do with age, but it also has to do with where you are in your life. I have friends who are younger than me (I’m 24) who are engaged/married & are definitely ready for it, and I also have 30 year old friends who are no where near ready for engagement/marriage or possibly even a relationship.
http://magdalenamadrid.blogspot.com/ Jess

There’s no right or wrong amount of time. It’s whatever works for you and your partner. My boyfriend and I have been together 5 1/2 years.
http://twitter.com/catfishcaviar Drew Elizabeth

Everyone has a different story so I don’t think outsiders can put a timeline on this. But I do believe that age is relevant and it is important to have your financial situation/career where you want it before thinking about that big step!
Amy

There are so many different factors! I’ve been dating my boyfriend for 5 years, but then again I’m only twenty and he’s 22. It feels like an eternity we’ve been together, but we are just not financially stable enough. Can’t wait for that ring on my finger though!

-Amy
http://theblankpagesblog.blogspot.com/

Ak Shah

i am 22 as well and by boyfriend and I have been together 4 and a half years, i asked him last night about marriage and all. he said he wants to wait until we are 28. I dont know if thats right or wrong, its hard coz we cant live together and his just finishing University so we spend alot of time there together but he does not know what is happeneing when he graduates. his dad has a business in a different country, and expects my bf to take over the business one day. I really dont know what to do because he said he needs to buy a house and all before we can be married but to be frank i am tired of just being boyfriend and girlfriend, feel like we are ready to move on to the next stage and he cnt admit to it. its really frustrating me, i have been really upset over this for a few weeks now that my friends all getting proposed and married. he says i am the one n we should wait, but why cant men do things based on us.

Rachel Moger

Personally, my husband and I dated for a year and a half before he proposed. We met in CT, while I was living in Seattle and he in Michigan. It was “love at first kiss”. Truly, I never thought I would hear myself say that, but we new from out first night together that it was something truly special. He moved to Seattle, we moved in after about 6 months, and he proposed about 9 months after that.

We got married a year later and have never looked back. For us, we were comfortable together from the start, and though we faced challenges there was never a time where we didn’t want to be together. I think we waited long enough to get married where we were out of the “honeymoon” period, and made a rational choice to be together long term.

However, I agree that it is different for everyone! I was 20 when we met, and my husband was 25. We are were married at 23 and 27.
Samantha Peterson

I’ve dated my boyfriend for 4 years (on and off for 6 total). We met as freshman college and now are two years out of school, we now live together. I think there is no harm in waiting, especially if you have met in college and make the transition into ‘adult life’. We have talked about getting engaged soon, we are both at great points in our life and we are ready for the next step! We haven’t had a lot of pressure to get engaged, but lately people keep asking, “When is it going to happen?!”
Kim

My husband and I dated for 5 months, got engaged, and married 9 months later! We will be celebrating our 27th anniversary in May. I think you just know and things click. I don’t think there is a right or wrong time! We were both 25, we both had decent jobs at the time, we had a lot of the same beliefs and interests. Starry eyed and in love! It just happens. I however do not believe in ultimatums!
Amanda @ Once Upon a Recipe

This is a difficult question to answer and I don’t think there is any right or wrong answer. I dated my ex-boyfriend for 4 years and was certain that we would get married one day. We were young when we started dating – 22 and 23, so we weren’t financially ready (or mature enough if you ask me) for marriage. Unfortunately the relationship ended quite suddenly and now I am 28 and single and have no idea what to expect from love anymore!

Rachel

I’m much younger, but had a boyfriend for 3 years and thought we were getting married. Then two relationships later, I’m in love again. It will happen for you!

4getmenot

Hi Amanda and Rachel. My ex-fiance and I just broke up a little more than a week ago after dating 7 years, one of which was a year of on and off engagement. Since I met him, I thought he was the one, and he thought I was the one…you know… that feeling….but he has a commitment issue that goes against even his wishes to marry. It’s the strangest thing! He kept getting super nervous where he’d shut down and take his space from me. He made the decision of Yes! four times, but back-tracked each time. Of all our engagement time, I never felt the way I knew I was supposed to feel because he didn’t seem that excited about being engaged. We’ve been through too much pain and hurt at this point, and I’m sad, but hopeful about finding love again in the future. I love him very much, and always will, but there has to be someone better out there for me who would treat me like his angel and never hurt me like my ex.

lauren

Hey girls. I was with my ex for 5 and a half years. He promised me the world and delivered nothing. When he left I thought my world had ended but 13 months later after a few rebound things and spending some healing time alone…I went on a date with a guy I knew through friends and fell in love instantly. he moved in 2 months later and now we are 4 months down the line I do not doubt he is the man I will marry and he has even said he will try to wait until our 1 year anniversary to propose. We both just know. I feel like the thing the was missing in my last relationship I have finalllly found. Don’t give up. I felt more alone and in despair than anyone but after teaching myself to enjoy my own company again. I have never felt so good about the future. I don’t think there are any timescales when it comes to love…you should know what you feel and when you feel ready you should go for it. Xx

http://www.m-liveloudly.blogspot.com/ Michelle

My fiance and I (he’s 33 and I’m 26) knew we wanted to marry each other after 3 months. He proposed last month and we have been together for almost 2 years. I definitely think that living with each other should come first. There’s alot you learn about someone when you live with them. One of our deal breakers was also if we could go on a vacation together. Everything went well for us and now we are happily engaged!
Brittneybranstetter

Like most, I don’t believe there to be a right or
wrong answer. I know relationships personally that have been on both ends of
the dating spectrum. My mother’s very best friend married her husband of 35
years after 2 weeks of dating one another. Their engagement lasted a total of 1
day. They are one of the happiest couples I know. I also know a couple who
dated for 7 years before getting engaged. They married 8 months after the
engagement. I will say I know more couples who are dating longer prior to
getting married but it is mostly because they don’t believe in marriage, and
they lack faith in the others commitment. I do not think there is a magical number.
I do think the longer it takes… the more likely there is a hidden fear sewed
somewhere within that person. Divorce statistics are frightening, but I would
rather risk divorce than risk never being fully satisfied in my love. And for
me personally, my love requires permanent commitment.

Ideally – the same views on spirituality (if that
exists in the relationship), raising children, how to handle disagreements,
finances.

Age is a number. The number specifically shouldn’t
matter. However, I do feel that you should look where you are at in life. I
have no business at the age of 23 to be with a 60 year old man who cannot offer
me the playfulness and youthfulness I desire in a relationship. We are in
different stages of life. A 23 and 33 year old can very well be in the same
stage of life. Or at that point, the 33 year old and the 23 year old may have
something very beautiful to offer each other. It really depends on the people
involved.

I don’t think financial situations or job
security would affect my decision more than their ambition. If they have a
desire to succeed and to provide then I wouldn’t worry if they get laid off. I
would rest assured that their spirits and ambition would get them right back to
something.

I wouldn’t date someone for over 3 years. That is
me personally. I think you really get to know someone between 1-2 years.

I wouldn’t give them an ultimatum. I would simply talk to my
boyfriend and say this is where I stand. I love you and want you to have my
heart forever. If at the end of the conversation we are on two separate pages
then there is no need for an ultimatum. You both know what is best for the both
of you. If you are on the same page, an ultimatum is not needed. It should work
itself out beautifully with a man who wants to make that move on his own time.
instantphoebe

I would say at minimum 3 years. By then, you pretty much know most things about the other person and have probably gone through a lot together. I find that the fighting doesn’t really start until after your second anniversary.

Even if you think you know immediately, what does it hurt to keep dating a few more years? It’s just a small amount of time in your entire lifespan.I have been dating my boyfriend for over 5 years.

Kathy Farro

I agree!

Amy

Reading these comments are so interesting. Everyone has their different opinion. Personally, I think it’s very important to make sure you have your life in order before you get married, so maybe there is no correct timeline. It is a priority for me to have my career and my financial situation all figured out before marriage. I have been dating my boyfriend for almost 3 years and while I do want to marry him someday, it’s just not the right time and as long as we are together, what is the rush? Also, since I live in Utah there is a lot of influence from the Mormon culture and people here get married and start having kids at a very young age. For a lot of people this is living well beyond their means and this state has one of the highest bankruptcy rates in the country. I don’t know if gettting married and having kids at such a young age without being financially stable is a reason, but in my opinion I think it must have something to do with it.

http://twitter.com/skuzzy31 Tstef

Excellent comment. Even if you love someone, it’s important to remember that financial strain destroys or damages a lot of relationships and marriages. There is no time when everything will be perfect for getting married, but there is a time when you’ll at least have a debt management and savings plan in place and a career underway.

Grace

Financial situations should play the most important part – I’ve known way too many couples who got married in their early 20s or before (!!) and had a very difficult start because they had not been in a fulltime job and living on their own. You shouldn’t spend your first few years of marriage living in your parent’s basement because you cannot afford a place of your own. It’s kind of sad really, no matter how much you love each other, love alone does not a successful marriage make.
Sloane

My fiance and I have known each other for nearly our entire lives, through a community pool. We recently got engaged. He is 8 years older than me,and we have been together for 2 years (with one year previously off and on). We knew within that first year that we wanted to get married. However we waited because he was finishing master’s school and wanted to be done with that first. I don’t think the age difference is an issue. Neither does anyone who knows us. We work incredibly well together and I am so excited to spend the rest of my life with this wonderful man!!
EL

I agree with everyone else, there is no magic number or age. That being said, I also agree that 2-3 years is about right to get to truly get to know someone and live through some ups and downs. I believe at the end of that time, you should know if you want to be with that person for the long haul but I do think this is the point when your age plays a huge factor and a young relationship might need more time. I would put a cap at around 5 years though – any longer than that and red flags should be going up (unless you are mutually not ready to get engaged). My boyfriend of six years and I actually broke up this week because he didn’t want to get married. It was pretty devastating to invest so much time and effort into a relationship and then have him decide he didn’t want to get married. We originally got engaged after about two years of dating and then broke off the engagement six months later because he wasn’t ready. We found our way back together and were together another three years. I really started putting the pressure on him this past Summer – I tried telling him how it made me feel and having honest conversations about it but none of it worked. I even tried an ultimatum but of course didn’t stick to it. Months and months passed without a ring – my anger, frustration, confusion and every other emotion really started affecting me and our relationship. It wasn’t healthy. LESSON LEARNED: Don’t think he is magically going to wake up and be ready. If he won’t marry you after 5 years, then I don’t think any more time is going to help. Get yourself out of there before you get hurt.

4getmenot

Hi EL – read my comment above. My ex-FI and I just broke up with a eerily similar situation. It was weird because he kept saying he loved me and I was the one, but when it came down to it after four tries, he just couldn’t commit. It sucks, but it’s time for me to have fun, spend more time being with my friends, and hopefully finding a nice guy who could be a potential husband. By the way, I think our situations are pretty unique. Next time someone proposes to us, I seriously doubt there will be back-tracking and unreadiness like the first time!

Marie

Here’s a little twist: what do you think about the age issue when you’re on the opposite side of the spectrum? I’m in my late thirties, and my bf is a few years older. Although we were happily single for many years before meeting, we’re so thrilled to have found each other! We’ve been dating over a year and we’re committed to each other – but we feel no rush to tie the knot just yet. It will be another year, at least, before we’re ready. The issue? My friends are beside themselves. I get the “Do you have a ring yet?” question all the time. It’s driving me a little crazy. Is it bad to want to take your time when you’re older?
http://twitter.com/maxwelllauren Lauren Maxwell

Sometimes everything is very clear. That was the case when I started to date my husband. Two weeks and we knew.
Haley Hekman

Everything depends on the circumstances. Some people choose to wait 5 years, some would be bothered by that amount of waiting. I can certainly understand why my parents waited almost 2 whole decades without batting an eye (they were childhood neighbors and married at 20), but also know of many people that set deadlines and make ultimatums at first, that look immensely happy in their marriages. . . Again, I think it just depends on the couple.
Raquel Running

I want to hear The Everygirl’s editors and intern’s thoughts on these!
http://sothisiswhatshewrites.blogspot.com/ Ashley Rustad

I knew after 3 months this was the man I was going to marry. We dated for another 3 years before he proposed. We are getting married in April 2013 and so excited! I think it depends on a lot, but financial situations and jobs are always being taken into consideration. I also think ultimatums are not the way to go. If you are really want to marry your man, then wait. If you don’t want to wait anymore than leave. Don’t tell him I’ll leave if you don’t give me a ring. You can tell that’s why you are leaving, but ultimatums don’t work out. Remember Jennifer Connolly in He’s Just Not That Into You.
http://twitter.com/aFashionFiend Catherine

It definitely depends on you and your partner. My sis and her hubby got married after 6 months of meeting and have been happily married for 11 years now. My husband and I, however, had a 5 year engagement and couldn’t be happier. Just make sure you are content with your self and trust and love your partner unconditionally.
Leeana

who cares?
Sarah

There really is no set number of years that should dictate when is right to get married. My boyfriend and I have been together for a little more than 11 years, and while that may seem like a long time to be “just dating,” we’ve been together since high school and were in no way ready emotionally, financially or on a maturity level to get married 2,3 or even 4 years into the relationship (when I still would have been a teenager). We both agreed we had a lot of growing to do before making the next step, but we’ve been able to grow together and are now getting closer to the “M” word.

When it’s right, it’s right, and only the two people in the relationship know when that is. And I firmly am against ultimatums; if you’re happy, committed to each other and happy with the one you’re with, why go and ruin it by stressing over something that really is just a label?
http://www.streetsandstripes.com/ Chaucee

oh man so many questions! there’s a lot of factors. but if you found the right person and you both want to marry each other, i don’t think things should hold you back. how will being married make you any more poor than you already are? money is not a factor for me.
http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1033877769 Reine Cassandra Jasmine

I think you can’t put a number on how long you should be together before you engage or marry. my culture is a bit old-fashioned and sometimes people here get married because of peer pressure (age, gender etc), and often failed. So I hold on tight on my principle to get married when I’m ready and actually want to spend the rest of my life with the person not just because people tell me I have to.

Currently I’m dating my 24 year old boyfriend for 3 years and I’m no 22 y.o. We have talked about marriage and tentatively decide we’ll do it in 2 years once we got our career and financial figured out
freckleface

I am 21 and been with my guy for 2 1/2 years this December. This past May he popped the question and I said yes (of course!) I am finishing up my studies and graduating May 2013 and he starts his undergraduate next Fall (he’s 24). We are moving into our first apartment this upcoming summer and I have been planning but not completely engrossed in wedding preparation (pinterest) because of school. It definitely depends upon the timing and how well you know the person.
girl

I don’t think there is a specific time period on how long you should wait before you get engaged, it depends on if the parties are ready to make the commitment and at the right stage in their life. Obviously, the older you get, the more you know what you are looking for in a significant other, and the shorter the time will be before engagement.

I personally wouldn’t date someone for more than 3 years without at least serious discussions about marriage.

I am still in my early 20′s, and hope that I will be married somewhere in my mid-to-late 20s. I think a big part of getting married, is building a life together, and I want to marry someone at the start of my career, rather than when I am established, because we can work together to buy our first house, and celebrate other firsts together, and grow together, rather then just settle down together.

I work for a professional service firm, and a big thing I see is single women in their 30s frustrated with not being able to find men, maybe if they didn’t work 12 hour days they would have the energy to go out and date.

Also I wouldn’t necessarily give an ultimatum, but after a certain period of time if the person I loved didn’t want to marry me. I would have to leave them. You can’t change people, and your life-goals are important.
http://mousewings.dreamwidth.org/ Iris

I think it depends on both parties and varies by person. For me personally, I’d think around two years. I’m cautious and that be enough time for me to get to really know the guy.
Cbeth

My husband and I dated for about 6 months, but were close friends for about 2-3 months before that. We were 25 and 28 when we got married. I think that the older you are, in some ways, you don’t need to date as long. By mid 20s I feel like you know yourself and know what you want in a spouse! It worked for us…
http://steelpetalpress.com/ Shayna Norwood

Gosh, that totally depends on the couple. I dated my husband 6 years before we got married (and we needed that time to really know for sure) but I’ve had friends elope after dating only 2 months (they are still happily married and have 3 kids now).

The most important thing is that a couple do what’s right for them. No one should bow to outside societal pressures of what other people say is right. That’s when things start to get messy.
Amber

It definitely depends on the couple. I have friends who got
married at the ripe age of 18, some are still very happy while others are
divorced, and others that have been together for many years, but still see no
need to get married. I even have one close friend who met, dated, got engaged
and married in a 6 month period. CRAZY is what I thought, but they have an amazing
marriage, and it keeps getting stronger over time. My boyfriend and I have been
together for 4 years, and we do plan on getting married. Before Ry and I
started dating, my boyfriend of 4 years died, and Ry came from an extremely
dysfunctional relationship. For us, a shot gun wedding was out of the question.
We needed time to heal and learn to trust each other. When I was 18, all I
could think about was getting married and having kids, but now at the age of 26
I don’t understand why I was in such a hurry. Dating my boyfriend has been so
much fun! I love looking back and seeing how our relationship has changed and
grown, preparing us for when we decide to say “I do”. We are both
starting to get pressure to marry from family and close friends, but I just
tell them that every couple is different and that when the time is right it
will happen.
Cassie Cypress

I’ve been dating my boyfriend for 11 years. I want to get married and he seems content with just dating. Should I give him an ultimatum or what? I know he loves me, but he’s 56 and never married. I guess he’s set in his ways and complacent in the relationship the way it is. I’m not!! I don’t want to date the rest of my life. I also don’t want to hurt him because he really has be very good to me! I need some advise!!!

Prisca Herbert

I have only been dating for 3 years and I already gave him the ultimatum because I want to get married and if he doesn’t then we are wasting our time. You only get one shot at this life and I want to be married. My situation is a little different (a lot different) he promised me that we would get married and now he says maybe in a few years. To me what’s the difference in now or 5 years my love isn’t going to change, I feel like he lead me on so that I wouldn’t leave. We don’t live together and I told him I don’t want to be in a long distances relationship. If you want to get married and he doesn’t you are settling for less for yourself. You should tell him how you feel.

Scott

You clearly love the idea of being married more than you love your boyfriend. If marriage is important to you then you should let him know, but don’t give him an ultimatum. It is much more effective to bring up the subject in the form of a rational discussion than to back your partner into a corner.

http://www.facebook.com/shannon.yeh Shannon Yeh

it actually doesn’t really matter how long …just the important fact is that he knows every inch of you, your good side, your sad side, your angry side,. I have been dating my boyfriend since high school and honestly I feel like I am really ready to get engaged =)
Kirsty

I’m in my very early 30s, and I think the pressure to get married at this juncture can be greatest, especially for women, because (not to be melodramatic) time is running out if you want to have kids (which I’m not sure I do).

I am 32, and my boyfriend is 38. We have been dating for a year and a half, and are talking about getting married. I think when you reach your 30s, you don’t want to waste your time on inappropriate people that you know are going to be unsuitable in the long-run. My boyfriend tells me every single day he is absolutely sure he wants to spend the rest of his life with me. His decision was shaped in part by his last relationship – before me he was in a nine-year mediocre relationship with somebody he wasn’t sure he loved, and was pressured to get married by her for about four or five of those nine years.

THREE MONTHS into their marriage, she cheated on him and entered into a very serious, backstabbing relationship with a decidedly skanky co-worker of hers. My boyfriend divorced her immediately, meaning their marriage lasted something ridiculous like four months, after nine years of being together. So I don’t think waiting a long, long time necessarily means your relationship is sound. I think it actually means, you just build up a lot more moldering resentment inside.

Our own timeline for getting hitched is probably a little different from most – one of us is British, and the other American, and we want to move to England permanently down the line, which will require us to be married for immigration purposes. Otherwise, we don’t particularly feel pressured at all to marry soon. We’re just enjoying our amazing time together!
Shel

While this might be naive, financials seem to be less important to
me. Once I am on my way building my life, I don’t really think I’ll be
able to fit someone else in, and it would be much more difficult, so I
would like to start out all of that with someone else already. Of course
that means the person has to be driven so I know financials will work
out later.

I’m in a relationship right now with someone 8
years older than me, but in a lot of ways we are at a very similar point
in our lives (I’m fairly independent and mature for my age, and we are
both seniors in college because he was in the military). We have been
together 7 months but have already gone through quite a bit in that
short time. I was in a long term relationship before him that I ended
because I knew he was going to propose and I was not ready for that with
that particular guy.

We have talked a lot about the future
and moving together after we graduate, but he is 100% convinced that you
can’t get engaged until it has been at least a year or two. On the
other hand, in a year or two we will be living somewhere far away from
our families and will have started our careers, and to me that seems an
awkward point in time to get engaged. While I love him incredibly much
and don’t want to be the one who kills the relationship because I want
to get married, I feel as though he’s never going to get to that point
and I’m going to have spent years with someone at a halted point in the
relationship, since in my mind the natural time to get engaged feels
like it would be coming soon.any advice/opinions?