I’m an Everygirl and… I’ve changed my mind about marriage.

I think I changed my mind about marriage.

Over drinks the other night, a few friends of mine were talking about—you guessed it—relationships. The topic turned to friends who had gotten married right out of college; or as we called it, the ‘non-arranged, arranged marriage.’ Last year I dated a man in his mid 30s. Our relationship started out strong: friends for a little over a year, followed by a healthy crush and dating period, followed by holidays, trips, and “taco night.” And then, counseling. I don’t know if it was baggage, timing, or incompatibility, but after an exhausting series of breakups and reconciliations, we sought some higher help to figure out just what wasn’t “right” with us and why this pressure to ‘decide’ on one another had crippled us. Or him, rather.

I can recall very clearly a moment in breakup #2 last summer when he looked at me sadly and said, “You really are 99% of what I’m looking for. I just can’t figure out what’s missing.” In his defense, I had noticed some of these things that caused him to question us as marriage-worthy. We are different in a lot of ways: I’m late, he’s timely. I’m messy, he loves to clean. I’m a tad bit too flirtatious for my own good, he is Southern-Baptist-modest. He tends to be serious, I’ve never met a joke of mine I didn’t like. But more than that, what he was hung up on most were the incidentals that he had slowly gathered about me over the years: my penchant for pre-teen nail painting, my mild disdain for Disneyland, my preference of neons to neutrals, hiking to running, sitcoms to sports. In short, he knew too much.

I have noticed that that my friends in their 30s are a little frazzled when it comes to relationships. And not in that jaded, on-our-ways-to-becoming-cat-ladies, cliche’d way you’re thinking. But more so in our inability to make a strong, final choice and stick with it. I know 3 couples who have gotten back together and broken up more than 5 times. I am one of them. After watching our parents split up and now watching many of our friends do the same, we are attempting not to make those same mistakes. We’re being hyper-selective in an effort to predict the future, prevent pain, ensure success. Love, while a choice, isn’t one to be made on legal scales with rights and wrongs, pros and cons, or percentages. It has to be whole or it cannot be at all. You get the good with the bad, the annoying with the amazing, the banal with the beautiful. In fact, it’s exactly those things–those minor, ancillary, freckled features–that are the collectives of what makes up a person. Lose one, you lose the whole thing.

So maybe we need those rose-colored relationship glasses that those 21-year-olds are wearing after all. Maybe choosing someone who has lived 30 years of complexity and loss and baggage is difficult, if not impossible, without them. Maybe the part of our brain that makes the choice on someone forever and asks the same in return, isn’t located near the logic and reasoning part. Maybe, what we actually need for (marital) bliss is just a touch of ignorance.

Everygirls–are you single? Married? Divorced? We’d love to learn more about you and hear your thoughts on this issue.

Lyndsay Rush

http://sincerelyjill.com/ Jill @ sincerelyjill

I met my husband at 19 (he was 18), we married 5 years later, and have been married a little over 3 years. My husband is quite, laid back, football-loving, jazz listening, passive-agressive, people-pleaser. I am energic, outgoing, hater of football and jazz (I know, judge me), straight-talker, honest to a fault. It’s not a matter of baggage and differences, because obviously we have a ton. Most everyone does, even at young ages.

It’s chosing to love the differences despite your own feelings, and it’s having a solid foundation of things you do have in common. We share the same beliefs on religion, family, and money. We both grew up with music being a big part of our life. In our marriage, we both found a love for food and the earth.

What I have found in our relationship is that we both round-off our edges in our differences. Am I ever going to love football or jazz? Maybe not, but I love my husband enough to go to the occasion jazz concert and to watch his favorite team play. Does he love how honest and straight-talking I am? Maybe not when it is happening, but he knows when it comes from a place of love.

Some differences are good. Other differences are deal-breakers. Figure out what is what for you. If you’re looking for a perfect fit for you and exactly who you are, you’re out of luck. Keep your ground on the things that matter, learn to have soft edges on the things that don’t matter, and you will find a fit. Sorry this is so long!

http://necessaryluxury.blogspot.com/ Hannah

I love your point of view. I think it is so interesting what you are saying about having a foundation of the similar beliefs but letting your differences “round-off the edges”. I’ve learned that it can be great to have different interests because then you can teach each other new things. Plus, my boyfriend works in finance & because I don’t (at all), I can just blissfully think that he is the best at what he does, while he thinks I am the best at what I do!
http://heartofablonde.com Molly Rasmussen

Beautifully written Jill. I love your view on relationships. xx
Natalia Contreras

Beautifully said Jill! I completely agree
Mandyc

I totally agree with you.
My husband and I met when I was 28 and he 29. We definitely NOT peas in a pod! Lol! He is super creative and I am totally academic… (he fondly calls me his nerd). I think if we’d known each other at school he would have been the popular guy and I would have been the loner. We are from totally different worlds. And the baggage? We have loads of it on both sides. Neither of grew up sheltered from the storms of life. We argue passionately at times, but we love as equally passionately and appreciate our differences. neither of us would have things nay other way.
I think when we start looking for someone who is totally perfect or think we are with a “perfect” person and that person let’s us down – as ANYONE would, that’s when things fall apart. But knowing that we are two imperfect people loving each other as best we can has made a world of difference.

Mandyc

Oh, and we are happily married for nearly 2 years now (not a very long time,I know). He’s about to turn 34 and me 33. So it doesn’t really matter the age you are at to start dating, but the its the mindset that counts.

http://twitter.com/catfishcaviar Drew Elizabeth

A year ago I met the love of my life & I have never had any doubts. I think when you know you just know. We definitely have our differences but I think that is what we love about each other!

http://www.catfishandcaviar.com
Jacki

This is lovely and true: “It has to be whole or it cannot be at all. You get the good with the bad, the annoying with the amazing, the banal with the beautiful. In fact, it’s exactly those things–those minor, ancillary, freckled features–that are the collectives of what makes up a person. Lose one, you lose the whole thing.”
There have been times when I have mourned what Matt and I can’t have, by virtue of where we were when we finally, after almost 9 years of friendship and other relationships, got together. When we met he was a crazy 21-year-old and I was a sheltered 19-year-old and though there are moments I mourn for some of that innocence and possibility, loving the 30-year-old single-father version of that young boy I met is what I choose now.

I think you have to find the balance between looking for the Perfect Person and settling. Everyone has flaws, but whose flaws are going to drive you out the door vs. whose flaws are you going to be able to good-naturedly roll your eyes, shrug and carry on? I settled in my first marriage, and it didn’t end well.

Lyndsay Rush

“I think you have to find the balance between looking for the Perfect Person and settling” well said, Jacki. Thanks for the comment!

http://www.decemberskye.com/ Skye

I really loved this post. I think it is true. My husband and I were married when we were 24, and one of the best things about our relationship is that we still look at each other through rose-colored glasses. We focus on the best about each other and ignore the worst. I’m so grateful for this, because otherwise, I’m not sure how a marriage could ever stay strong. Of course there is both good and bad about every relationship and every person. But our flaws make us who we are, and in some ways they can be kind of endearing. We’ve now been married for over 2 years now and we are more in love than every, mostly due to our desire to always see the best in each other.

Lyndsay Rush

great advice, Skye!

http://www.designwiesel.com/ Sarolta

I love this post. I got married at 29 (just a few months ago). When I started dating my husband two years ago I was approaching the whole thing very logically. I found out very fast that we are extremely different – and broke up. Luckily he would run after me. Then came the day he said he would not run after me forever. I was shocked. That second I realized that what scared me most was a life without him, not our differences. I am so happy I dared to fall in love head over heels.
Ash

Ignorance is bliss! Happy marriages aren’t butterflies and rainbows as some would have us believe. My husband and I have been married for 9 years and to say we’ve faced challenges is an understatement. You have no idea how life will test and try you. Commitment is everything. For my single friends looking for love, I tell them to start with 3-5 big deal breakers – ex. religion, family plans, views on finance – and forget the little stuff. Don’t be so busy nitpicking the negative that you miss the positive.
Samantha Fischer

I met my husband when he was 17 and I was 18; we married after 4 years and just celebrated our 10 year wedding anniversary. It’s crazy to think that at 32 years old I have been with the same person for almost half of my life.
It is spot on when it’s said “You get the good with the bad, the annoying with the amazing, the banal with the beautiful.” and we did have a couple of years after our daughter was born that really fell under the “bad” part of the statement. We decided that each other was what we were looking for and we are living the “good part and our relationship is stronger for having gone through the “bad”.
Justine Nicholls

Tomorrow is our 2 year wedding anniversary. Growing up I had no desire to get married and truthfully looked down of young girls getting married (I married at 22). My husband and I have had great times and times where I didn’t think I couldn’t do it for one more seconds. There is baggage, lots of baggage! My husband is 14 years my senior, previously married with two children. We both have dealt with addiction issues (mine before we met and his resurfaced this past year). If we nit picked about the things that could go wrong we both would have run in opposite directions as fast as possible. Marriage is not easy, its really hard some days, but the good times always out weigh the rough moments. We love each of very much, and our solid foundation and strong commitment to each other pushes us forward. Marriage is a promise to build and maintain a life together, and that is what we are doing!
http://www.thelatepaper.com/ Maite

Im in my early 30s and im single, I agree with you that maybe at this point we carry a little baggage , but im a firmly believer , that when you know, you know. no matter how much or little you know from him or how different you may be. If he is right for you, your heart will tell you. but sometimes your brain gets in the way

Lyndsay Rush

I agree, Maite!

Clara

The point of a relationship should not be to worry about marriage as an end-goal. My boyfriend and I have been together for over 6 years, and I think one of the reasons our relationship is so successful is that we are so happy just being together, without any pressures from everyone else on what our next steps “should” be. Rushing into a marriage, when you know you’ll be with that person forever anyway, seems quite silly to me.

http://cleanupnicely.blogspot.com/ Lauren – Clean Up Nicely.

Clara – I agree. The word “should” is a dirty word. My BF and I have been together for almost 5 years and now live on separate continents due to work (but spent the first 3 years in the same city). It is not traditional and a lot of other couples and friends don’t understand how it works. But it does and once I learn which friends don’t “get it,” I know not to look to them when I need an ear. I have learned that I often look to those who are open-minded, who understand that different things (relationships) work differently for different people.

The more I think about relationships and marriage, the more I realize that there is no right prescription. Rose-colored glasses work for some and not for others. Knowing every little thing about your significant other works for the others. Whatever tactics a couple uses is up to them, as log as they are happy. Some couples rush into marriage and some avoid it like the plague. Marriage is a complicated thing that people view through their own set of experiences, which results in marriage meaning millions of different things to millions of people. I think the challenge is finding someone whose view of marriage and life matches you, challenges you, and allows you to grow.

Bethany Porter

The very first step to a healthy relationship is having one with yourself — knowing that you are flawed and being honest with yourself and above all loving who you are. Then comes the hardest part, making room for love. It sounds cliche but so many of my friends struggle with relationships because they put every other portion of their life ahead of love. Love doesn’t just appear, it’s developed, nurtured, and it can be a struggle. When my fiance came around I wasn’t looking for anyone and at first I tried really hard to push him away. It took us both until our first blowout fight to realize we wanted to be together forever.

You have to look for someone who is willing to work for your relationship and who values you. All the other things — the romance, the passion, the butterflies — will follow after. You do need a dose of rosy-ness to get through the tough days but that comes easier when you can see the person you are with working hard to make you happier.

http://www.andruswilliams.com/ Julia

I agree with this so much. I think knowing who you are – an imperfect person who is totally worthy of love and belonging – is key for a lasting relationship. Any time that my husband leaves his dishes in the sink or his socks on the bedroom floor, I remember how I have little things that must bug him too. But, despite these flaws, we both deserve love, forgiveness, patience, and understanding from our mate and partner. And, being able to recognize that he gives those things to me on a daily basis makes it that much easier to return those sentiments to him during the times that he annoys me.

Jenna

Really impressed by this new feature, Danielle & Alaina! Can’t wait for more. xox
http://smallshopstudio.com Erika [small shop]

Your ex sounds overly picky which means he will pick on whomever he ends up marrying for the rest of their lives. No thank you!
My husband and I could not be more different but it is those differences that we appreciate most in each other. We have made it 9.5 years bc we have that “ignorant” belief that we are in this together, through thick and thin. You definitely need that bc we aren’t always perfect and life isn’t always grand.
Perhaps it is my own ignorance that believes you will be swept off your feet when you meet the right one. It will all fall into place and you won’t believe all the schmucks you dated/settled for before!
http://twitter.com/styleblacklabel Yanira Garza

I have been with the same man for almost 10 years and married for 6. When we met, we were both raised Catholic, creative types and looking for fun. My husband is now an atheist and wears a suit to his 9-5. I’m agnostic and live in leopard print shoes and on occasion still flaunt pink hair (mainly just in October when I have an excuse). He likes spending his Sunday engulfed in football so I joined an all girl fantasy football team and make all the dinner picks on date night until February. We bicker a lot, always have but we flirt a lot more. I drive him crazy and yet he cannot live without me. You need more than love for marriage. You need to understand that you become an “us” and should grow as such but at the same time never forgetting who you are. The other person will love you for still be you and focusing on BOTH of you at the same time. It is about compassion and understanding, not compromise. Also, marriage is not for everyone. We got married to please our family and security, we were happy just being together for the rest of our lives.
http://twitter.com/styleblacklabel Yanira Garza

Oh and can I add that I really liked this post. It was very well written and I really want to read more for some reason.

Lyndsay Rush

Aw thanks so much for your thoughts and comment, Yanira!

Bekah M

I’m not sure about needing rose-colored glasses in a committed relationship. A true, loving relationship is one where you allow yourself to be vulnerable and to be known. You want to find that person who “knows too much” and loves you whole-heartedly anyway. I once read a quote that said something like, “You like because. You love in spite of.” A healthy dose of both like and love is needed in any committed relationship. Marriage puts the commitment to the test, to be sure, but it can be done.
And, obviously, keeping that original spark alive is important! You can know too much, but you can still surprise your loved one by putting that knowledge to use.

http://www.prettylittlesnippets.blogspot.com
http://www.facebook.com/bakerak81 Ashley Baker

I’m totally with you on this. It took me several years after I met “the one” to get over all the things that just weren’t perfect…the way I had imagined they would be for 28 years. Although my future husband and I have more in common than just about any other couple I know — from career goals to views on family to what we like to do on weekends. I still couldn’t get past the fact that I dreamed of marrying a foreign guy and getting wisked off to Europe or thought that he could be funnier just because the last guy I dated was a goofball and I’d grown to like it.

The longer you live, the more friends you see that didn’t make it through a first marriage. And with divorce rampant among our parents generation it’s hard not to be trigger shy. And so you over-analyze relationships you are in looking for the reasons WHY NOT instead of the reasons WHY. I’m not sure I agree that ignorance is the answer…maybe it’s ACCEPTANCE.

Lyndsay Rush

THIS is crucial, Ash. Well put, “Looking for the reasons WHY NOT instead of the reasons WHY.”

Deonnahd

I loved this wrote up. It came at a crucial time in my life. I am 19 years old and spent my first year off at college and while there in the spring I fell in love with a boy that will be 25 in December! At first I couldn’t get enough of him, then I realized he had flaws (during this time, he was still loving me very well). It was my first real relationships so I had no clue what I was doing. Not realizing, that isn’t perfect. There will be bumps in the road and true love will be able to work through these things together! Loved your article! Thanks every girl team!! Y’all are great!!
renata

its all about the love and commitment, talking with a friend whos happily married with two beautiful kids she gave me great advice for our recent engagement with my boyfriend… in life everything is a contest to whom is winning, and relationships work the sam way. so compete with each other to fight and make each other happy, compete to who of the two can be more loving…then youll have a healthy relationship based on love and respect making your other half happy, and believe me love will be returned to you too..
http://talesandtrenchs.wordpress.com/ Cassie

28 and in a relationship, but not married. I wish I was, but I’m not. My boyfriend has experienced some of the things you’ve described (Parents didn’t marry each other, both had messy divorces, some harsh previous breakups, etc…), and he’s very wary of the idea of getting married. My parents just celebrated 30 years, and I’m still wearing the rosy glasses of looking forward to marital bliss (give or take some bad days). We’re very much the same, but have multiple different quirks. As long as the quirks are complimentary, I don’t see why differences between people should cause issues in a relationship. If anything, those quirks are what keeps spending your life together from getting boring.
Karelys Beltran

First off, I love me some Lindsay Rush.

Second, I want to say that the rose colored glasses are not the answer. But I think there’s something very different when things are overwhelming and you scramble your super messy purse full of receipts from taco nights and your most favorite taco truck and grab those rose colored glasses and glue them on.

I was once 20 (5 years ago) and I was driving myself nuts over how much I loved this man but there were things that drove me nuts. I had a dream. He was leaving in a train and I was devastated. And even though I would never have to deal with his obnoxious personality traits there was no relief. Just sadness. So I decided to marry him and finally said yes.

We’ve been married 3 years and even though we have lots to learn the best thing I’ve learned so far is to keep my rose colored glasses handy, not at the bottom of my purse. Sometimes I don’t even take them off or I’ll end up asking for a divorce. It’s ridiculous. And it’s great to know that the health of our marriage is affected by choice. And if it’s affected by choice it doesn’t matter if things outside my control drive me nuts because I can make a choice and then things are alright.
http://steelpetalpress.com/ Shayna – Steel Petal Press

I met my husband when I was 24 years old. We went through ALOT before we decided to tie the knot 6 years after our initial meeting.

At this point we’ve been together 8 years, and married for two. We definitely have our fair share of arguments and there’s plenty we don’t agree on, but there’s just this undeniable chemistry there, I could never picture myself with anyone else.

I am still deeply in love with him, but I’ve noticed how the love has changed over the years. It’s a different experience now than it was in my 20s. Because we’ve had the ability to change together and overcome some pretty intense obstacles (moving in, changing cities together, hospitalizations etc) I know we can continue to grow and change together. Some couples who marry young, grow and change apart. (Sadly I’m seeing it now with many friends going through divorce)

Maybe singles in their 30s are too set in their ways to compromise. Or maybe they just haven’t found someone worth compromising for. Some people don’t meet their soul mate til they’re in the 40s, 50s or 60s. I really don’t see anything wrong with that. There’s no need to rush things. Marriage is a HUGE decision and “the rest of your life” is a really looong time.

Lyndsay Rush

LOVE this, Shayna: “Or maybe they just haven’t found someone worth compromising for.”

Beth Burke

I met my husband, online of all places around the end of June. We were engaged the beginning of October, and married in January. All my friends thought I had lost my mind, but now we’ve been married almost two years and I don’t regret it for a minute. All that crap that you hear – “when you find the one, you just know” well.. turns out – it’s not crap after all. With that being said, I totally see your point of view. I was dating a lot of guys when I met my husband and loving single life. I was totally not looking for “the one.” But, I was never a fan of the break up/get back together type of relationship. I have always looked at relationships like if it is bad enough to break up over, then it’s not gonna work out for me. You will hear a lot of people say that relationships are hard work. I disagree. I think relationships are hard work if you are with the wrong person. Find the one that your soul loves and you will not have to work at it. I am not saying that there will not be bad days, but I am saying that the good should always outweigh the bad.
Jenny

I’m 36 and just got engaged. My fiance is not perfect for me (nor I for him). But the ways we’re imperfect really don’t matter all that much. He’s late, I’m early. He’s messy, I’m neat. We like none of the same TV shows and have a few different interest (he runs, I hate to run, etc). But he’s kind, trustworthy, thoughtful, friendly, low-key, not a yeller or a grudge holder, and so many more wonderful things. When we first we getting serious I used to wonder that he’s all these perfect things but maybe there is someone else out there who is all these perfect things but ALSO on-time and neat. But there isn’t. Mr. Perfect #2 may be on-time and neat, but he’ll probably have some other trait that isn’t perfect for me. And what if Mr. Perfect #2 never shows up? Mid-30′s “perfect for me” guys aren’t growing on trees – was I really going to throw away a great relationship over neatness? And looking at my other relationships, the traits that weren’t right for me weere dealbreakers – not trustworthy, substance abuse issues, intimacy issues. I’ll take a messy honest person over a neat liar any day.
Like what sincerelyjill says, you’ve got to figure out what you’re deal breakers are.

Lyndsay Rush

Great thoughts, Jenny.

Jami Carlton

I am single. I am dating a few guys here and there. I recently dated someone who’s main goal was to use me for my body. He made that perfectly clear when I broke up with him. He told me that he only told me he loved me so that I would have sex with him. Now, I take things very slowly with guys and think about what they “say” and what they really mean.
MeghanButler

Relationships are not ever be 110% good times. We need the negative – the annoyances and squabbles – to illustrate what makes the good times great. What would the sweet be without the sour? I always say that every person comes with their own BS and, while it’s lovely to think that we can eventually love that BS I don’t know that it’s possible. What I do know is that you need to find someone who’s BS is worth having around because their good stuff is so great. On the flip side, everyone deserves someone who will deal with their BS too.

My boyfriend and I have been together for 2.5 years and we always say that we’d rather sit in angry silence on the couch than be out with anyone else and that’s what keep us together.
http://www.heyhomeslice.blogspot.com/ Jenna

I think what it all comes down to is whether you truly love a person. That might sound corny- but I don’t think it is. If you love them, you forgive the things about them that aren’t perfect and you love despite them (the imperfections). And (often eventually) because of them. It’s also in your attitude. If you have an attitude of well we’ll try this marriage out and see if it works- it won’t last. Because you’re already doubting it from the beginning. You have to commit to each other that no matter what- you’re sticking together and you’ll make it work. Somehow. Together. Once you find the person you can do that with- go for it with all you have. It’s worth it. At least those are my thoughts on it all—-
Adams3270

My fiancé is far from perfect, but so am I. We love each other very much and when those differences rear their ugly heads, that’s the time we choose to be kind. Making that choice makes any bump in the road a little more smooth.
http://twitter.com/livloveblog livloveblog

I was single for most of my 30s. My thoughts: In our 30s we’re supposed to be a little older & a lot wiser; we should learn from our mistakes – not continue making them. The longer you spend w/ the wrong guy – keeps you from meeting the RIGHT one. And the right guy… well he’s “right” for a reason, you complement each other, if he’s early & you’re late, together you’re right on time. And the RIGHT guy will love that little flintiness about you, it’s endearing — not obnoxious. Oh, & never change who you are – or expect someone to change for you. We grow, mature & are always getting better….. but don’t try to CHANGE someone.

Thirty (& beyond) brings out the frazzled (crazy) in lots of women. They start to panic when friends get married & have babies & they’re still single. They do the math (like Rachel on Friends), and realize to have a baby by 35, you need to be married at 34, engaged at 33, date for 1 year…. and the pressure is ON to meet someone yesterday. I think lots of women settle in order to get back on track. Women need to remember there are MANY roads to happiness, even if that road takes you in a different direction.
Katelyn Burkhart

i adore this post and think it’s a fresh new look on love in an era of “10 reasons a guy is wrong for you” and other negative nancy thoughts.
also: for my fellow over-analytic types out there, may i suggest dating a very laid-back guy, so that when you say things like “but we organize the dishwasher so differently, it’s a sign!”, he will shrug and say “then i’ll always be the one to do it.”

Lyndsay Rush

Ahh Katelyn thanks so much. Great thoughts

Jessie Houlihan

As a child, I was the kind of person who thought I’d get married around 30 and have kids in my mid-thirties. But, the universe had a different plan for me. I met the absolute love of my life at 19 years old, and he was 22. We had to work at changing our expectations for our lives so that we could appreciate the true magic of what we were given in each other. Because we met so young, we have been able to share so much of our lives together. We are so blessed to have each other as companions, best friends, and so much more. We had rose colored glasses when we met….but we still choose to continue falling in love with each other and seeing the best in each other each day. Falling in love and knowing he was my soul mate wasn’t a choice….but continuing to invest in each other and our marriage is. Both of us completely knew that the other was “the one” and we still know that to this day….after 6 years together and 3 years of marriage. You need to balance the heart and the logic. The heart will know in a deeper sense….and then you need to make sure you’re making the logical choice for yourself. But really….having some personality difference isn’t a reason to not get married if they make you incredibly happy and you are in love. If your ex was “the one” your little differences wouldn’t have mattered so much to you.
Nragognetti

Great article! I’ve been married 11 yrs. if you’re having this much trouble while dating, it’s a red flag. Because it gets HARD. And if you don’t have the foundation of respect and friendship and rose-colored memories of the beginning, I don’t know how you get through the tough parts.
Singprays

Well said. Your advice is good for all relationships, marriage, friendships, step/bonus children/parents…. I have to remember that.
Natalie Comstock

I met my husband when I was 15 and he was 14. I’m now 23, he’s 22, and we just got married a few weeks ago. We’ve never broken up and even did long distance for 9 months when he went away to play hockey. We are far from perfect and have disagreements about stupid things, but both have been totally committed to one another. One of the most important things is obviously finding someone you can’t imagine your life without. There are plenty of things that drive me nuts about him and plenty of things about me that make him crazy, but we would both be utterly devastated if the other person were taken out of our lives.

Like a lot of other people have said, we are different in a lot of ways. He could care less what other people think, loves football and Walking Dead, and lets things he has no control over bother him too easily. I’m a control freak, hate football and Walking Dead, and am usually pretty calm when things are out of my control. Having a long-distance relationship for awhile forced us both to be more independent. I think it’s important for us to have things we enjoy doing that are separate from the other person, but also have things we like to do together. We both love hockey, enjoy watching our shows together (the ones we both like), and like traveling together. One of things I also noticed is that the other persons’ personality traits start to wear off on you a little, or at least for us. Maybe it’s because we basically grew up together, but I find myself letting loose more and see him taking certain situations more seriously. Differences can be good. It helps you balance out each other.

I think ultimately, commitment is a choice. No one is perfect so you won’t find the perfect guy. You have to find the guy that’s perfect for you. The guy that will make you want to be committed despite his flaws and who will love you with all he has despite your flaws. I’ve never once doubted if my husband is the one I want to be with. Somehow you just know when you find the right person.
Heather

My husband and I will be married 3 years tomorrow
I think people just need to learn to let go. Are you seriously getting annoyed that he doesn’t make the bed in the morning? Who cares? Make it yourself. Chances are you do a lot of things that annoy him too. In order to have a long lasting relationship, you can’t sweat the small stuff.
My husband and I have a lot of similarities but a lot of differences and our differences allow us to try new things. I love cooking and restaurants so we’re always trying new restaurants, cuisines, and even going to Wine and Food Festivals. Who doesn’t love food but BH (before Heather as he refers to his life), he would have never thought about going to a winery or even watching Top Chef. Now he loves it.
My husband loves sports… especially football. One year we went to the Orange Bowl in Florida and even though I’m not crazy about football, I had a great time! You have to open your mind and your heart to new things and new people and stop worrying about that mental checklist of qualities that you want in a partner. If you ask anyone that is in a happy, successful marriage, they will tell you that when they met that person, it just worked. No games, no “I wonder if he’s going to call”, no breakups/makeups. Everything flows…However, if it’s not working out, don’t force it. You can’t change people. If you’ve broken up a bunch of times, there are reasons why you broke up. Don’t try to make a relationship work if in your gut you know it’s not going to.
Nichole

This article is beautifully written. So many of us late 20′s/early 30′s can use to have this reminder. The beauty of relationships is in the imperfection.
Sally

Someone once told me not to get married until I was at least 30. I met my now husband at 28 and we married when I was 30 and I am so glad I waited until this time. My 20′s were so much fun, I travelled, explored, moved states, had lots of different and wonderful flat mates and generally had a blast. If I had married my first serious boyfriend at the age of 22, I hate to think what my life would have been like, missed adventures a plenty!
Jill

I am 22 (almost 23) and married. My husband is 31 years old. Nearly all of my friends in their 30s and older are so confused as to “why I left the party early,” but the easiest way to describe my reasoning is to say that there is no better party than spending every day as one with my best friend. When you meet the person God created you for, there is nothing to wait for. We didn’t play house, we didn’t sleep together before we got married, and we were long distance for the two years that we dated. The only way it worked was communication, trust, and pure agape love.

Plenty of people don’t understand, but it is the greatest joy of my life to be married to my best friend.

http://www.delilahdiordominica.blogspot.com
Grace Ryder

I think as you get older you tend to approach relationships with more wisdom, and more practicality – which can be a hindrance in terms of finding someone. In my opinion, 99% of what I’m looking for is pretty good – unless the missing thing happens to be something that really matters to me. It’s not ignorance we need, it’s simply a little dose of reality – the real world isn’t a hollywood romance.
Leigh Ann

This resonates with me. My mom and I have had an ongoing conversation that to get married you have to be “young enough to not know what you’re doing, or old enough to know exactly what you’re doing.” Since I didn’t take the plunge when I was young and ignorant, now I’m putting it off because logic says it is not my time- I am not ready for that level of compromise on EVERYTHING yet (but as a very independent woman, I wonder will I ever be….?)
http://simplysheila.wordpress.com/ Sheila

Someone earlier in the comments said, “I love me some Lindsay Rush”, well…ME TOO!!

After I got divorced I asked God to show me the kind of man I should be looking for. I prayed this for months. Then I met him. We became friends, he wasn’t the one, but I knew he had the qualities I should now be looking for.

A few years later I told God that if someone liked me they had to tell me. See, I’m super fun {seriously from your Instagram pics we’d be BFF’s}, and friends with everyone. I’m a lover of people. I just never saw it when someone liked me for more than a friend because I always took their advances as fun flirtation, but not seriously.

Jump to 2010 I was at a point in my life where I was happy, I mean really happy. I had just graduated college, and also realized I was going to be ok; single, tons of friends, family, and I was content.

Then I met Scott. He was on vacation visiting a mutual friend. He says it was love at first sight, for me it was when he asked if he could kiss me. {Thank you SBJ} And just like that I knew he was the one. It didn’t matter that he lived 2,000 miles away and was going home in a few days. He was respectful, sweet, loving, a great communicator, was passionate about music, had a great group of his own friends, loved his family and made me laugh.

Here’s the thing I’m not perfect, my husband is not perfect, but we are pretty perfect together.

P.S. We just celebrated our first anniversary over Labor Day.
http://youmakemeswoon.wordpress.com/ Sally

Agree with everything already said. Love is amazing and can be beyond wonderful with the right person… it is also NOT like this all of the time. Your life with ‘the one’ is everything… boring, awful, amazing etc all at the same time.

Such is life, you have good days, bad days, downright horrid days and then AMAZING days. You simply have to take the rough with the smooth and have yourself understand this… as well as your other half and do your best to stick together through it all.
Kate

THANK YOU for this post….and for letting me know I’m not the only one struggling with Goldilocks/grass-is-always-greener issues.

I’m 29 years old and have been dating a wonderful guy for over two years. Our relationship is, for the most part, fantastic, and I love our day-to-day existence. However, when it comes to deciding if he’s THE ONE, I find myself hesitating. I’ve always believed that “when you know, you know,” but what if some of us never really know?

Most of my friends are either married or engaged, so I don’t have many friends struggling with my own “inability to make a strong, final choice and stick with it.” It’s nice to know that there are other people out there struggling with my same neurotic issues!
Happymom

Been married 30yrs….you gotta want it and work at it at all costs..
http://twitter.com/rissaroo25 Marissa Carlson

I’m 20 and engaged. I’ll be just 22 when we do get married. Most people seem to think I’m too young. And while I am getting married far younger than I ever thought I’d be, I like to think that I have a pretty good grasp on the world. What seems to keep us strong and happy is that we are best friends, and we don’t hide anything from one another. Most people would probably be disgusted by how brutally honest we can be with each other, but it works for us. As far as romance and a pretty wedding goes, I think both him and I are looking forward to life together far more than the wedding. We’re talking about money, how we will budget it, and have already started saving for a house. Yes, I’m young, but I’m getting married for so many more reasons than because I am head over in heels stomach full of butterfly’s in love. It always amazed me how he and I can be so different about so many things, but we’re really held together by our core personalities and life philosophies.
http://www.tyckledtales.com/ Karen of Tyckled Tales

This is interesting – thanks for calling attention to it. I’m turning 30 in May (and I can’t wait) and I’ve gone through a lot of interesting changes (like quitting my career to do something TOTALLY different) and I boil everything down to one theme that applies to all aspects of every girl’s life.

Do you want to live in fear or trust?

If you trust that you have met someone who is right, you should live trusting that this person is the one you’re meant to be with… even if it’s jsut for now because you trust that regardles what happens… you will meet someone else that you are meant to be with. You trust in that. You trust that you are meant to be loved and be happy; therefore, who is to say you will not find that place now and forever moving forward? Fear is what’s cripling, holds us back, creates doubt. You question everything. Is this person right? Are you everything I want? Am I doing the right things? Imagine how easier it would be if we let go of fears and lived whole-heartedly with the trust that everything will always be okay.

And to your point about the 21 yos…it’s because they have less fears; therefore, they can openly approach things with their heart and mind. Imagine if we let go those fears and learn to live in trust!

Lyndsay Rush

I really like this point, Karen–well said.

Emily

What a fantastically-written piece! I’ve been with the same person for over 6 years (not married!) and definitely agree that the rose-colored glasses are important. It’s not illogical, it’s in fact a necessity to keep the relationship fresh.

I don’t see relationships as a destination, they’re a never-ending and evolving journey. They’re living, breathing thing that you have to constantly nurture. I think the “magic”is lost when comfort steps in & communication is forgotten. If one, or both, aren’t working on it and keeping it top of mind…something goes missing. That magic leaves.

I really believe that if you keep the relationship as a priority and remember to have fun together, you can work anything out. The “rose-colored glasses” embody all of this — it’s seeing things in a romantic and loving light as opposed to lenses of pure rational thought. Because love, after all, is far from rational.

(Sorry this was so long!)

Isn’t
That Charming.

Lyndsay Rush

Emily what great thoughts!! Reminds me of one of my favorite quotes about love: “Love doesn’t just sit there, like a stone, it has to be made, like bread: remade all the time, made new.” Thanks for reading

Allie43

I got married when I was almost 20. We have been married 8 years. I think the MOST important thing in a relationship is forgiveness. Through our ups and downs that is what keeps us going strong. We all make mistakes as no one is perfect. We learned to trust each other from day one. For us the first 3 years of marriage was tough.. I had surgery and lupron depo shots for Endo but we kept plugging along and made it through my hormonal outbursts because we forgave each other. It made us stronger.
http://twitter.com/elisevsmith Elise Smith

I am 25 and have been married just over a year, and that was never my plan at all.

With all prior relationships I was hyper-selective and would end relationships because a guy talked too much or he liked a weird TV show or he annoyed me sometimes. And I wondered “when am I going to meet my perfect man?”

Then I met him. And he’s not perfect at all. But the difference is that he is right for me.

I think when you meet the person who fits you, you WANT every part of them. The good and the bad, because it’s all or nothing. I can tell you ‘faults’ about my husband but they just aren’t faults to me, they’re simply aspects of his personality. His anxiety and his temper and his complete inability to remember dates and schedules? Just part of having him in my life and it is always worth it.

One thing I’d suggest is to embrace the concept of “wabi sabi.” Wabi Sabi is a Japanese worldview that is centered on the acceptance of transience and imperfection. I learned about that and then found a blog post about applying that concept to relationships, and it totally changed the way I thought about my relationship and my husband. I hiiiiiiighly recommend it:
http://www.positivelypositive.com/2012/05/18/is-your-mate-making-you-crazy/

For more:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wabi-sabi
Lauren

My sister married her husband last March. She was 20, and her husband was 19. They had been dating for two years, and still couldn’t get enough of each other. Despite the norm, or what other people thought, waiting until they both had bachelor’s degrees, and were self-established was ridiculous. Their commitment is something I truly admire. People change everyday, and yes as they grow older and their perceptions change they might not be the same people they married back in March, but they will still love each other. Marriage is a commitment to accept, serve, and love that other person.
debrakay86

Great post!
Me and my boyfriend have been dating for about 7 years and broke up for 3 years. For us, its been a 10yr journey. We first got together when I was 16 and he was 15. Looking back I knew I was in love and wanted so much from him like most girls do but he was too young to understand. We drove each other nuts and I hated many things about him back then just as I’m sure he did me as well. Our first year of college we finally broke up. We dated other people for three years and got back together. As much as it hurt to let him go when we got back together it was more perfect than ever. We both had changed so much whether it was because of each other or just part of growing up, I don’t know. Probably both. Everything we loved about one another was the same and everything we disliked about one another was replaced by better more mature qualities. We still have our differences but we like it that way! It doesn’t hinder us from growing together it just make us appreciate the other more and really love them for who they are.
Find the right person and the differences won’t matter. I’ve always believed that if you love someone enough nothing else should get in the way.

Debra

honestlydebra.blogspot.com