I’m a second-guesser. I was never the girl who raised her hand first in class, spoke up in a meeting without mentally rehearsing what to say, or jumped at the chance to try something new. Give me a decision to make, and I’m making a pro-con list and polling the important people in my life before trusting my own judgment.
I’ve always envied the women who seem to walk through life with effortless self-assurance. They say what’s on their mind without hesitation, they take risks, they trust themselves without turning every decision into an internal debate.
But here’s what I’ve learned (that most people don’t realize): Real confidence isn’t necessarily something you’re born with. It’s something you develop over time, and the habits of confident people often have less to do with being fearless (or flawless) and more to do with how they manage self-doubt, making decisions, and showing up for themselves. In other words, I can become the woman who walks through life with effortless self-assurance, and you can too.
Because when you stop second-guessing yourself, you start going after the opportunities you would’ve talked yourself out of, speaking up when you would’ve stayed quiet, and making choices based on what you actually want instead of what other people think. I talked to experts (and very confident women) about what the most confident people do differently and how to start building more confidence in yourself. Here are five life-changing habits you can start doing today.
“Because when you stop second-guessing yourself, you start going after the opportunities you would’ve talked yourself out of, speaking up when you would’ve stayed quiet, and making choices based on what you actually want.”
Experts Consulted
At The Everygirl, we believe that wellness advice should be grounded in accurate, science-backed information to ensure our readers can make informed decisions about their health and well-being. That’s why we prioritize consulting trusted, credible experts—so every piece of content is both reliable and empowering.
Jessica Chang Irish is an Emmy Award-winning journalist turned speaking and communication confidence coach who helps high-achieving women, entrepreneurs, and leaders find their voice and communicate with confidence. Through her coaching and workshops, she empowers people to stop second-guessing themselves and start owning their voices—whether they’re speaking on stage, leading a meeting, speaking on video, or introducing themselves in a room full of strangers.
What Highly Confident Women Understand That Most People Don’t
The most confident woman you know probably doubts herself more than you think. The difference? She doesn’t let that doubt make her decisions for her. “Confidence is trusting yourself enough to take action, even when you don’t have all the answers or know exactly how things will turn out,” explains communication confidence coach Jessica Irish.
Confidence isn’t the absence of fear, nerves, or uncertainty. It’s the ability to experience those feelings without letting them hold you back. “One of the biggest misconceptions about confidence is that confident people don’t get nervous or question themselves,” Irish says. “They do! The difference is that they don’t let those feelings dictate their decisions.”
Another thing that sets them apart? Confident women don’t mistake a moment of self-doubt for a reflection of their abilities. “Confidence can hold that and say, ‘OK, we’re having a moment of self-doubt here, and that doesn’t define me,'” says Natalie Moore, LMFT, a licensed marriage and family therapist and founder of Space for Growth Therapy & Coaching. “‘That doesn’t mean I’m not capable, strong, or resilient. It doesn’t mean I can’t do this or can’t handle this. I’m just having a self-doubt moment right now.”
The Habits of Highly Confident People
1. They build self-trust
Part of building confidence is proving to yourself that you’re capable of handling challenges, and that starts with turning your intentions into action. Irish says confident people strengthen their self-trust by keeping promises to themselves. “If they tell themselves they’re going to speak up in a meeting, make that phone call, or share an idea, they make an effort to follow through. Every time you follow through on something you said you’d do, you reinforce the belief that you can trust yourself.”
Fostering that trust also looks like checking in with your wants, needs, and values when you’re at a crossroads. Before accepting an invitation, for example, Moore says confident people might ask themselves, “Do I actually want to go? Do I have the capacity? Am I considering saying yes because I’m afraid someone will be disappointed?”
Moore adds that the most confident people can still ask for advice or gather information, but they don’t need to seek validation from every person they know or trust their gut only once everyone agrees. Instead, they understand that they don’t need perfect justification or perfect timing to make a choice. Their own experience, knowledge, and values are enough to guide them. “They practice treating their own perspective as something they can trust.”
Try it yourself: Start with one small promise you can realistically keep today, whether that’s taking a walk, sending an email you’ve been putting off, or speaking up in a meeting. Then, the next time you’re faced with a decision, ask yourself what you want before asking everyone else what they think.
2. They take action before they feel ready
Confident people know that waiting for all self-doubt to disappear will only keep them stuck. So they share an idea before they’ve perfected how to explain it, introduce themselves to someone new at a work event, or initiate a first date. “Confidence often comes after action, not before it,” Irish says. “You take the step, realize you survived it, and become a little more willing to take the next one.”
That said, confidence isn’t about winging it either. Irish emphasizes that it also comes with some preparation and practice: “Preparation gives you something to rely on when nerves show up, and allowing yourself to be human makes it easier to recover when something doesn’t go according to plan.” For example, before leading a meeting, you might clarify the main message you want everyone to walk away with, outline your key points, and anticipate a few questions. Or if you’re getting ready for a date, you might choose an outfit you feel good in and run through a few conversation starters. In either case, you don’t need to write out every word or plan for every possible scenario. You just need to feel prepared enough to show up and let the rest go.
Try it yourself: Think of something you’ve been putting off until you feel more ready. What’s one small step you could take toward it this week? Instead of asking yourself whether you feel confident enough, ask whether you’re prepared enough to give it a try.
3. They treat mistakes as opportunities, not character flaws
When something goes wrong (because inevitably, something will), confident people can separate what they did from who they are. There’s a difference between I made a mistake and I am a failure.
Maybe they stumble over their words during a presentation or give an answer they wish they’d phrased differently in an interview. Rather than dwelling on the moment, they ask, What can I learn from this? “Confidence grows when you gather evidence that you can handle uncomfortable moments, learn from them, and be OK on the other side,” Irish says.
The same goes for getting critical feedback at work. Moore explains that self-criticism might kick in, with thoughts like, That was a rookie mistake. You should have known better. But confident people are able to respond without holding themselves to the unrealistic expectation of never messing up. According to Moore, they’re able to acknowledge that though their work wasn’t perfect, they did the best they could with the time and information they had. They can use the feedback to grow and move on without letting it define them. “Over time, they learn that they can acknowledge a mistake and take responsibility without turning it into a judgment about their entire capability or worth.”
Try it yourself: When you make a mistake, pay attention to the story you tell yourself about it. Are you criticizing a specific action, or are you making a sweeping judgment about who you are? Replace “I’m terrible at this” with “That didn’t go how I wanted. What could I do differently next time?”
4. They get curious instead of making everything about themselves
When we’re lacking confidence, we tend to turn inward and get stuck in our own heads: How do I look? Do I sound intelligent? What if they think I’m awkward? We might even jump to the conclusion that others are thinking the worst about us. Irish points out that people with healthy confidence can redirect their attention outward instead. They shift their focus from making a perfect impression to asking thoughtful questions, listening to the answers, and finding ways to connect with others.
Think about a networking event or dinner party. A confident person might strike up a conversation without getting caught up in saying the “right” thing. Irish suggests genuinely listening and learning about the person you’re talking to as opposed to thinking about what you’re going to say next while they’re still speaking. It’s not that confident people never feel self-conscious or care about what others think of them; they just don’t let overthinking get in the way of engaging with people around them.
Try it yourself: The next time you’re at a social gathering, replace the goal of being interesting with the goal of being interested. Ask someone a question you genuinely want to know the answer to, and focus on listening rather than planning what you’ll say next.
5. They know when to lean on their circle
Living in alignment with your values won’t always make you the most well-liked person in the room. There will be people whose feathers your ruffle, who disagree with your boundaries, or who don’t understand where you’re coming from. Confident people accept that not everyone will like them, so rather than trying to win everyone over, Moore says they turn to a small number of trusted people who understand their values, personality, sensitivities, and goals (being secure in yourself doesn’t mean you have to handle everything alone!).
For example, after setting a difficult boundary, a confident person might tell a close friend that they’re having a hard time with the other’s person reaction, even though they know why the boundary was necessary. They’re not looking for validation they made the right decision; they’re asking for support as they work through the discomfort, whether that’s anxiety, uncertainty, or embarrassment. The distinction is important: Seeking approval means needing someone else to tell you that you’ve made the right choice. Seeking support means trusting your choice while allowing someone to help you navigate the feelings that come with it.
Knowing when to lean on others doesn’t make you any less confident or mean you can’t handle hard things. If anything, it shows that you can sit with discomfort while still standing by your choices.
Try it yourself: If you’re struggling with a decision or dealing with someone’s disapproval, reach out to someone you trust. Instead of asking them what you should do or whether you made the right choice, try saying, “I know this is what’s right for me, but I’m having a hard time with it. Can I talk it through with you?” Practice allowing others to support you without giving them the power to make your decisions for you.
TL;DR
The secret to becoming a confident woman isn’t becoming someone who never doubts herself. It’s becoming someone who trusts herself to handle whatever happens next. You don’t have to wake up tomorrow with an entirely new personality. You just have to start showing yourself–one small decision at a time–that you’re someone you can count on.
Katherine Chang, Wellness Staff Writer
Katherine Chang is The Everygirl’s Wellness Staff Writer with over five years of experience in the health and wellness space. She navigates the latest wellness topics and trends through expert interviews and studies, and she’s always first in line to try them firsthand.
