"I remember my first self-help book like many people remember their first kiss. I was browsing the aisles in my middle school library when I stumbled upon a book titled The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Teens by Sean Covey. What followed was a jolt of excitement. For the first time, I was given tools for personal growth right at my fingertips. Self-help books became a staple in guiding me on the journey to being and becoming my best self.
Over a hundred personal development books later, I consider myself a self-help book connoisseur. I’ve experimented with a variety of life hacks to build self-esteem, manifest my dreams, transform my wellness, and improve my overall quality of life. Although every tip and trick I’ve read over the years didn’t resonate enough to become a habit or simply was replaced over time, there are a few that withstood the test of time and have been essential to my well-being. Ahead are the self-help practices I’ve tried—from manifestation techniques to self-love practices—that not only work, but work so well I’ve sworn by them for years.
Pursue interests from a place of curiosity
In a day and age where every interest you have is coupled with the pressure to scale and monetize, Elizabeth Gilbert’s advice in Big Magic: Creative Living Beyond Fear was like a breath of fresh air. At one point in her 20s, Gilbert vowed to pursue writing. Not from a place of wanting it to make her money (although it would be a bonus), but from a place of genuine curiosity and love for the craft. “I held on to my day jobs for so long because I wanted to keep my creativity free and safe,” Gilbert wrote. “I maintained alternative streams of income so that, when my inspiration wasn’t flowing, I could say to it reassuringly, ‘No worries, mate. Just take your time.’”
Since reading this gem, I made it my mission to do the same: pursue my interests for the sake of enjoyment, not from a place of monetization. Sure, it would be nice to make a full-time living off of what I enjoy doing in my free time, but that’s not my focus. My focus is following my curiosities simply because curiosity keeps me excited to experience all life has to offer. So, whenever I have a hobby I want to pursue or an interest I want to learn more about, I explore them without putting pressure on myself to be good at it or to become an expert.
Make alone time productive
At first glance, people would assume that Jay Shetty’s 8 Rules of Love solely focuses on tips and tricks to find and secure the love of your life. The first chapter, however, is dedicated to the practice of self-love. Broken down into the five ashrams (or schools) inspired by ancient Vedic texts, Shetty outlined the different levels we should aim to master before moving on to the next. There’s preparing for love (Brahmacharya ashram), practicing love (Grhastha ashram), protecting love (Vanaprastha ashram), and perfecting love (Sannyasa ashram). And the school of Brahmacharya is all about learning and understanding yourself as deeply as you would anyone else.
My singlehood took a turn for the better when I learned the difference between loneliness and productive solitude. As Shetty put it, “In solitude we practice giving ourselves what we need before we expect it from someone else. Are you kind to yourself? Are you honest with yourself? Are you emotionally available to yourself? Are you supportive of your own efforts?” Before learning about productive alone time, dating and finding “The One” dominated my time and attention (i.e., any alone time I had was spent swiping on apps or going on dates). Now, I make it a priority to carve out alone time and use it with intention by spending time exploring my interests, taking myself on side quests, and cultivating traits that I am proud of.
Live as your best self now
Like many of us, I held the false idea that my best self was someone I needed to chase after, and I would magically just be her one. Little did I know that that was a mindset manifested from the “waiting to start living syndrome.” Eckhart Tolle, best known for his book The Power of Now, defines “waiting to start living syndrome” in A New Earth: Awakening to Your Life’s Purpose as “the most common delusions of the unconscious state.” It’s the mindset that believes that there’s some perfect moment in the future where we will be and do what we’ve always wanted to do. But, “that tomorrow will never come unless you begin enjoying what you are doing now.”
Instead of allowing this impostor syndrome to control my life, I decided to implement practices that hold me accountable to taking daily steps to live as my best self right now. For example, I make a quarterly intentions and goals list. Each quarter, I review my vision board, write down accomplishments for the quarter, and review what steps I am taking in real time that are in alignment with my best self. This ensures that I’m not waiting for my life to happen because it’s already happening right now.
Focus more on how your life feels
As a digital native, most of my adolescence was ruled by the impulse to curate, perform, and post on social media. Social media was for pure fun and entertainment in the beginning (remember when it wasn’t cringe to post your avocado toast on the reg or when it was normal to go a week without opening any apps?). Now it feels like social media is a breeding ground for incessant comparison, competition, and jealousy. To overcome the pitfalls of social media, I tried Brianna Wiest’s advice: stop worrying about how your life looks and start focusing on how it feels.
“Ask yourself what you’d do if social media were no object and nobody would know. What would you do this Saturday? What would you do tonight? What would your career goals be, how many photos would you really take if you weren’t silently policing yourself through the lens of ‘what other people see?” Wiest wrote in 101 Essays That Will Change the Way You Think. After asking myself these questions, I felt a significant shift in how I use social media and, most importantly, how I view my life. How did I implement this advice? Regular check-ins. The time I dedicated to doomscrolling or stressing over which photo to post is now spent journaling. During my journal sessions, I ask myself questions like “How is my life going?” “Do I feel good about it? If not, what things can I work to change?” With this, I feel like an active participant in creating and living a life that is wholly authentic to me.
Write down your intentions and view them daily
Manifestation, at its core, is taking your dreams and desires and bringing them forth into the world. The first step to manifesting anything in life is becoming clear on exactly what you want and keeping your sights on your goals. As someone who struggles to stay focused and consistent, I needed a practice that kept me motivated and inspired when the going got tough because remembering our goals is a common roadblock—we become busy, unmotivated, or sidetracked. Luckily, I found my answer in The 7 Spiritual Laws of Success by Deepak Chopra.
To manifest our intentions and desires, attention and intention are required. “Whatever you put your attention on will grow stronger in your life. What you take your attention away from will wither, disintegrate, and disappear.” Chopra wrote. Because of this, Chopra recommends writing down your intentions and viewing them daily. Once I started bringing a piece of paper with my intentions and goals written down to my meditation practices, I noticed that I was way more consistent with working toward my goals. I also became more aware of when to pivot and approach my goals differently or change them altogether to find ones that better aligned with what I needed at the moment.
Agree to always do your best (even if that looks different every day)
As a (recovering) perfectionist, I can often be hard on myself. Negative self-talk was a constant battle until I swapped the question of “How can I reach perfection?” to “Am I doing my best?” This mindset shift came after reading The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz. Based on Toltec wisdom, Ruiz shares four agreements that can lead us to leading happier and more fulfilling lives. The one agreement that helped me change my inner self-talk was the fourth agreement: always do your best.
My “best” will inevitably look different from day to day. Whether that be my workout routine, diet, or any other goals I’m working toward. The difference between my perfectionist mindset and this one is that I don’t judge myself for the different ways my “best” looks. For example, instead of beating myself up for missing a workout, I ask myself, “What does my best look like right now? Is it a quick walk around the block or a quick 10-minute yoga sequence?” Or when I wanted to get up at 7 a.m. and hit snooze instead, I ask myself, “What does my best look like right now? Can I commit to nourishing myself even after getting up later than I intended?” This way, I’m working with the ebbs and flows that come with being human instead of punishing myself for it.
Aaliyah Alexander, Contributing Writer
Aaliyah is a writer, content creator, and blogger based in Brandon, Mississippi. She attended San Diego State University where she received a degree in journalism and worked as an editor for the award-winning student newspaper, The Daily Aztec. Aaliyah covers a range of topics including slow living, her favorite vegan food spots, minimalism, self-growth, and entertainment.