"Type the word ‘boundaries’ into your Instagram or TikTok search bar, and you’ll find countless posts. From quote graphics to podcast video clippings, each one gives you all the permission you need to set unapologetic, uncompromising boundaries in every area of your life. This is a good thing, right? Boundaries are necessary in our relationships, whether platonic, romantic, or professional, to ensure the relationship’s health. They are also essential to both our self-care and self-respect—there’s no arguing that. But yet, many of us struggle with setting them, especially if we didn’t see them set by our role models when we were kids.
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I don’t recall ever being taught about boundaries in childhood. It’s not like they are taught in grade school, and conversations with my parents about boundaries were non-existent unless a boy was making me feel uncomfortable. I didn’t fully grasp the importance of boundaries until I entered college, and the realities of adulthood began to test my ability to set them. Every opportunity, activity, and person who crossed my path heard a resounding “yes!” from me as my desperation for success caused me to put my people-pleasing and perfectionism into overdrive. I remained in that overdrive gear until I found my body stuck in fawn mode after years of suppressed burnout. I needed to learn how to set boundaries, like, yesterday.
To make up for those boundary-less years, I went from perfectionism-overdrive to boundary-overdrive. Clearly, I hadn’t yet learned that any gear in overdrive is harmful—even a well-intentioned one. Boundaries are vital, but too much of anything can become detrimental. Establishing excessive or rigid boundaries can result in obsessive thinking, self-centered behavior, and distancing from family and friends. Ask me how I know.
If you find yourself stuck in a pattern of inflexible boundary-setting or are uncertain whether your approach to boundaries is healthy, don’t worry. Ahead, we’re exploring why so many of us set such firm boundaries, how to recognize if they’re damaging our relationships, and how to establish healthy boundaries that serve us without negatively affecting our relationships.
Why do we set such strict boundaries?
It’s no coincidence that the conversation around boundaries has exploded in recent years. Many of us in our 20s and 30s are becoming more open about the challenges we are navigating in adulthood that may stem from our childhood or other traumas we have endured. This has resulted in an uptick in boundary-setting to address, heal from, and repair some of that damage. Some of us are setting boundaries to heal our inner child. Some of us are trying to recover from years of people-pleasing and perfectionism. And some of us have been abused or mistreated and want to make sure that never happens again.
Our reasons for setting strict boundaries, whatever they may be, are valid. Our feelings are real, our hurt is real, and we deserve to heal from our pain and repair that damage. Boundaries are one essential part of that healing and recovery. However, we live in a culture, particularly online, that encourages restrictive, unyielding, and sometimes harsh boundary-setting. But what about finding a healthy balance between prioritizing our needs and the needs of those we are in community with?
“The boundaries we set with others should be more about our behavior than the other person’s behavior.“
We are more influenced by the culture set by our algorithms than we realize. Many of us don’t set out to be uncompromising or self-serving with our boundaries, but the impact of social media, combined with our legitimate emotions and motivational factors, may be guiding us in that direction.
Your boundaries could be affecting your friendships if…
You are using boundaries as a list of demands
Much of the rhetoric around boundaries is about how to make demands of the people in our lives. We have rules and limitations; if someone wants to be in our lives, they must obey them. For example, maybe you expect your friends to accommodate your busy schedule, and when they can’t, you think they don’t respect you. In truth, these so-called boundaries are actually demands and expectations that are unfair and unreasonable to place on anyone, particularly those we care about. The boundaries we set with others should be more about our behavior than the other person’s behavior. Boundaries are not meant to be a set of standards that we hold others to, and then use their inability to meet them to justify punishment.
This misuse of boundaries can add to toxic and unhealthy relationship environments that boundaries are supposed to help alleviate. Rather than boundaries that come across as controlling or demanding, focus on actions you can take to serve your needs without demeaning others. For example, make sure you’re doing your part to make accommodations for your friends just as you need them to make accommodations for you.
Communicating boundaries with your friends is not a bad thing. In a healthy friendship, both parties respect each other’s boundaries to the best of their ability, with room for grace when necessary. But, if your boundaries are only a list of expectations and demands from others without compromise or action on your part, you’ve got it all wrong.
You are using boundaries as an excuse to not give any effort
Many of us have been in friendships where we feel we are the only ones putting effort into the relationship. It’s like a high school group project returning to haunt you in adulthood. You’re over friendships feeling like a one-way street. So, you vow to make sure you are never caught in the position of exerting too much effort again. To protect yourself from this frustration, you swing the pendulum in the opposite direction, ensuring the only effort you give is toward yourself.
“If your boundaries are only a list of expectations and demands from others without compromise or action on your part, you’ve got it all wrong.”
This may sound liberating. Putting forth effort into friendships after dealing with past friendship hurt can feel vulnerable and intimidating. It’s easier to wait for your friends to reach out to you and call it a boundary rather than put yourself out there. It feels easier to withdraw from a friendship when conflict or communication challenges arise rather than stick it out and have tough conversations. It’s easier to give space to a friend going through a difficult situation rather than exert the emotional energy required to show up for them.
However, this approach is like punishing every current or future friend for that one bad friendship you endured. Your feelings may be justified, but punishing those who haven’t hurt you out of fear and self-protection is not.
Yes, set some guidelines with yourself to make sure that you are still prioritizing your needs. Practice self-care so that you have the energy to coordinate plans, show up for a friend in distress, and work through battles that are bound to occur. Good friends put effort into their friendships. That effort may have to ebb and flow given various circumstances, and that’s OK. There will be times when you may have less to give than your friend, and vice versa. Your boundaries exist to help you navigate what that looks like when your capacity is running low. It’s OK to communicate how much capacity you have, how your effort may look different at times, or set guidelines for yourself about your abilities. However, your friendships deserve and require effort to be sustainable and healthy.
You are saying ‘no’ too much
“No is a complete sentence,” is one of the most popular quotes I notice circulating social media. And, for the chronic people-pleasers of the world, this is a reminder that many of us need daily. If saying ‘no’ has been tough for you until you began setting boundaries, you may feel tempted to make up for lost time. Once you realize how easy it is to say ‘no,’ you might find yourself getting excited for the next time you get to do so. Social media has taught us that our ‘no’ doesn’t need an explanation. Our peace is too important not to protect.
Yes, ‘no’ is a complete sentence. And, no, you shouldn’t feel guilty for the times you genuinely need to say ‘no’ to a friend. But, becoming the queen of saying ‘no’ could lead to you becoming the friend who is no longer dependable, who never wants to hang out, and who gives a general “leave me alone” disposition. This may not be your intention. You’re just making up for lost time! You want to make sure no one walks all over you again and expects you to be somewhere or do something at the drop of the hat. However, your ‘no’ boundary can turn you into a friend who’s never around, so don’t get mad when you stop getting invited.
You’re too quick to cut someone out of your life
This is the boundary trend that concerns me the most, yet it is the trend that I see the most supported online: cutting someone out of your life the moment you think they “no longer serve you.” Disagreement? Cut. Miscommunication? Cut. Your personality doesn’t mesh with mine? Cut. Didn’t follow my boundary rules? CUT!
“If we’re not careful, our boundaries can lead to isolation rather than strong, loving relationships that make us feel safe, seen, and cared for.”
Sure, there will be times when you will need to cut that unhealthy, toxic person out of your life. And your intuition will tell you when that time comes. However, every person you disagree with is not toxic. They’re human. Like you. And, like you, humans make mistakes!
The ability and grace to make mistakes in relationships seem to have gotten lost over the past few years. I get it—none of us want to feel like we are being abused or misused in our friendships. But, that doesn’t mean we can hold others to such high standards that they are being cut from our lives the moment conflict arises. Conflict will arise in all relationship forms. The strongest relationships are the ones that choose to weather the storm together because the value of the relationship and the humanity of the other person is more important than their ego.
So, what do you do if you’ve taken your boundaries too far?
Experts say that human connection is essential to our mental well-being, serving as the number one antidote to depression. We need strong connections in the form of friendships for optimal survival. While setting firm boundaries may seem like a way to protect your time and energy and avoid potential hurt in friendships, overly rigid boundaries can gradually push others away. The boundaries we set for ourselves and each other should only draw us into a more connected, healthy, and loving relationship where each party feels cherished and respected.
A lot of the rhetoric around boundaries tells us that our boundaries solely exist to serve us. Following that rhetoric may feel empowering, but if it leaves others feeling pushed aside, controlled, or that they are not worth our time and effort, naturally our friendships can dissipate. If we’re not careful, some boundaries can lead to isolation rather than strong, loving relationships that make us feel safe, seen, and cared for.
If you realize that your boundaries may be a bit more strict than what you thought, it’s OK. There is no shame here. Remember, your feelings and motivators behind why you are trying to protect yourself are valid, and boundaries are essential. You may just need to loosen them up a bit. If you’re saying “no” a little too much, challenge yourself to say “yes” more often. If you feel yourself pulling away from conflict and challenge, ask yourself why that may be and how you can adjust. Maybe you need to push yourself to be more flexible. Take some time to reflect on your boundaries, your relationships, and areas for growth. The goal is to ensure your needs aren’t neglected while creating resilient, thriving connections with those who matter most to you.
Caroline Sumlin, Contributing Writer
Caroline Sumlin is a writer, author, and content creator specializing in topics ranging from self-worth, lifestyle, wellness, motherhood, education, society, and culture. Caroline received her Bachelor of Arts degree in Journalism from Howard University in Washington, DC. Driven by her passion for freedom and justice, Caroline crafts articles that urge readers to reflect more deeply and critically about themselves, their lives, and the world around them.