"Chances are, you’ve probably heard some buzz about open relationships in the past couple of years. Maybe you have a friend (or a friend of a friend) who has opened up their relationship to wild success… or you’ve heard horror stories about open relationships devolving into cheating, disconnection, and breakups. Regardless, conversations about monogamy and non-monogamy are happening. According to HuffPost, the term “ethical non-monogamy” saw a 250 percent search increase on Google in 2023. But what does it actually mean to be non-monogamous, and why is it so buzzy these days?
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Aside from seemingly constant cheating allegations from Love Island cast members (is it really cheating if you are “competing” for a monogamous relationship on television?!), the lines between what is and is not proper “monogamy” seem to have blurred recently. Whether you want to be “monogamish” yourself or just want to understand more about what it looks like to date more than one person, learning what all of these terms mean is worthwhile. Here are your questions about modern non-monogamy, answered:
What does “monogamish” actually mean?
The term “monogamish” is largely attributed to sex and relationship columnist Dan Savage, who first used the word to describe his relationship with his partner. In a monogamish relationship, the couple is romantically monogamous, but they each have external sexual encounters. Most commonly (and importantly), these encounters “are typically done with the knowledge and consent of both parties,” as explained in a TikTok video posted by Jeff Guenther, LPC.
Essentially, monogamish occupies the halfway point between a closed relationship and an open one. Think of Daphne and Cameron from Season 2 of The White Lotus. They both knowingly have physical encounters with people outside of their marriage and stay romantically committed to each other (they are def toxic in other ways… but their non-monogamy isn’t a problem in their relationship). The beauty in these partnerships is that they are totally customizable—you and your partner get to decide what is OK versus what is not. For example, a one-time fling might be OK, but regular sexual encounters with someone else might not be.
If you haven’t heard of monogamish, you might have heard of ethical non-monogamy. Basically, ethical non-monogamy is the broader umbrella term under which monogamish relationships fall. Other relationship structures under this umbrella include polyamory, polygamy, open relationships, and more—all of which have different rules and boundaries. So if a monogamish relationship isn’t your style but you are interested in an ethical non-monogamous relationship, there is more to explore.
Why is non-monogamy so popular right now?
If all of this sounds really overwhelming and new, you might be wondering how we got here. Personally, I became aware of more people becoming interested in non-monogamy when I stumbled upon the TikTok account @OpenlyCommitted. On this account, relationship specialist Danielle (who does not publicize her last name)shares her life as a mother of two kids and a wife—who has also been in an open relationship with her husband for 14 years. In one of her most popular videos, from 2022, Danielle shares that she and her husband have been in “phases” of monogamy. “For us, the only way that non-monogamy works is if our foundation is really strong,” Danielle explained.
Since then, podcast episodes on non-monogamy seem to be popping up all over the place for me—I especially loved the ones from Binchtopia and Magical Overthinkers. From these podcasts, I’ve gathered that many people are interested in becoming non-monogamous because they simply want to see love from a different angle. Especially in the past decade or so, the idea of a non-traditional family structure has become increasingly compelling to many people, especially women. This could mean focusing on found family instead of biological family, not having a child, living with friends for longer than is “traditionally” acceptable, or even just focusing more on platonic relationships than romantic ones. All of these ideological shifts lend themselves to people being more open to dating outside of a traditional monogamous relationship.
So while non-exclusive relationship structures aren’t anything new, they are becoming increasingly more common. Case in point: One-third of 1,300 surveyed Americans described their ideal relationship as non-monogamous in a 2020 YouGov poll. And among the 1000+ comments on Guenther’s video, users are sharing how much they appreciate that these relationship structures are becoming less taboo.
How do I know if I should be monogamish?
One commenter on Guenther’s video said, “This is what I have with my current partner… I have never been in a more fun and free, yet safe and stable relationship,” while another said, “One relationship is challenging enough.” With that said, it’s not for everyone. Ultimately, your decision about whether or not to participate in non-monogamy in any way, shape, or form is between you and your partner. Only you know what’s right for you and where your boundaries lie, so no one else can tell you what to do when it comes to opening or closing your relationship.
Even if it seems like non-monogamy is “trending” right now in the dating world, you don’t have to participate if you’re an exclusive kind of person. However, it’s worth checking in with yourself about whether or not you feel open to non-monogamy every once in a while—because our relationships and the roles they play in our lives are constantly changing.
Emma Ginsberg, Associate Editor
Emma is a writer, editor, and podcast producer who has been creating at The Everygirl since 2021. She writes for all sections on the site, edits the Entertainment and Community sections, and helps produce The Everygirl Podcast. With a degree in American Studies, Emma is especially passionate about evaluating the impact pop culture and internet culture have on the day-to-day lives of real women.