"There are a few things you should know about me. One, I can recall almost every detail from every Friends episode ever made. Two, I can find a Friends reference for almost every life circumstance. Great—glad we’ve established that. You’ll need this information shortly.
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A few weeks ago, I was scrolling through Threads (Instagram’s version of X, formerly Twitter) when I came across a post claiming it’s selfish to have kids. I immediately paused my scroll. Selfish? As a mother, I often feel my entire existence is a never-ending act of sacrifice. Yet, here was someone arguing that bringing children into this world was the most selfish thing you could do.
The reason? Children didn’t ask to be here. And, unless you’re prepared to provide a saint-like level of selfless parenting, the choice to have them only benefits you. We usually hear the opposite narrative. Typically, not having kids is seen as selfish, prompting all sorts of unsolicited opinions from friends, family, and strangers on the internet alike. (Cue Kelly Kapoor, “Um, how dare you?”)
As I kept reading, my mind jumped to that Friends episode (Season 5, Episode 4) where Joey and Phoebe debate whether any good deed is truly selfless. Phoebe tries to prove Joey wrong by doing good deeds without reaping any benefit, but every attempt ends with her feeling good—and therefore, according to Joey, selfish.
Parenting isn’t exactly a “good deed,” but the motivation behind having children has become a hot-button topic amongst millennials and Gen Z-ers. Between living through a global pandemic, political unrest, economic uncertainty, and dwindling support for parents, the decision to have kids feels heavier than ever.
So, is it selfish? Are we filling our own voids? Meeting our own emotional needs? Is it right to bring a child into a world they didn’t ask to join—especially one that is broken? We decided to ask a few of you what you think, and the answers ranged from a Joey-esque everything is inherently selfish to a classic Phoebe belief that true selflessness does exist. The bottom line? Well, we’ll get to that after we take a look at what you shared with us.
Some chose motherhood for themselves—and don’t think that’s a bad thing
“I got married in 2012—the year when the events of Sandy Hook and Trayvon Martin happened, and both of those things gave me pause,” said Dr. Carey, 40, who shared that she always wanted to be a mother, but those events made her realize this country isn’t as progressive as she was promised when growing up. “I love mine with all my heart and can admit that I had them because I wanted to create the family I never had, which is very self-serving.”
Many share this sentiment of an inherent selfishness that exists when choosing to have children, but that doesn’t mean it’s negative. The desire to be a parent and raise a family typically comes from selfish desires. Some want to create the family they mourned never having as children. Others see parenthood as a part of their dream, just like any other dream career or life pursuit, which serves selfish ambitions. What matters is how the pursuit of parenthood is treated once it becomes a reality—whether it’s approached with humility, intention, and a willingness to grow or with entitlement and unchecked idealism.
“Choosing to pass on your genes—and likely your philosophy, your politics, your moral compass—to another person is selfish. Having kids because you want them, even when the world is burning, is selfish.”
This is the mindset that Linda, 37, and her husband approach parenthood with. “It takes a deep willingness to grow and learn, just like stretching yourself for any other dream,” she stated. For Laura, recognizing the privilege afforded to them in their family planning as an upper-middle-class, white, cis, heterosexual couple has been crucial. They recognize the privilege of being able to shape their lives around their children’s needs—including relocating to a part of the country that reflects their values and offers stronger support for their children—something many families can’t do.
They think it’s selfish to have children right now (or ever)
“As a mother, I’ve always said that the decision to bring kids into the world is always selfish (except for circumstances where someone wasn’t given a choice),” said Lindsay, 33. Alexis, 37, adds, “I think there has always been an inherent selfishness to having children. Choosing to pass on your genes—and likely your philosophy, your politics, your moral compass—to another person is selfish. Having kids because you want them, even when the world is burning, is selfish.”
There are many parents and non-parents who agree with the inherent selfishness of choosing to have kids, especially since it is a choice based on the desires of the adult who is making that choice. “I think it’s selfish AF,” said Carissa, who chose to have children at 34. “I think it will be the most profoundly selfish thing I will ever do. I can’t think of one unselfish reason to have a child. Every reason centers around the desires of the parents or adults,” she continued.
“I think it will be the most profoundly selfish thing I will ever do.”
Erin, 34, is willing to do whatever it takes to grow her family and agrees that it is selfish of her to do so. “Yes, I want children,” she said. “I want a large family of six. I’m willing to do whatever is (legally and ethically) necessary to achieve that goal. Those are selfish.” Molly, who doesn’t have children of her own, wishes her parents would have thought about the world they were bringing her into when choosing to have her. “I’m grateful for what I have in life, very,” she stated. “But I still think having children is an incredibly selfish thing.”
For some parents, the selfish decision to have children feels like guilt. “I always had a sense of guilt over bringing my son into this world since I love him so much,” Rita, 39, shared. “I believe having kids is always a selfish act in some ways. People have them for their own desire or that of others and often don’t bother to think ahead how they’ll make the child’s life safe and comfortable.”
They say selfishness is necessary for raising children
The political, economic, and lack of societal safety nets for children in our country is why many believe it is both negatively and positively selfish to choose to have children. On the one hand, knowing that there is much difficulty and uncertainty leads many to believe that it’s completely self-indulgent to have children. “I’m not sure now would be the best time to bring a child we naturally birthed in because it would feel selfish knowing there are so many social safety nets I want to continue fighting for so that they’d be protected even after leaving my body,” said Pheobe, 28.
“Parents do years of free labor to teach and train the next generation.”
Others believe, due to the same circumstances, that some selfishness is necessary. You must want to have children because that desire will aid you in the sacrificial effort you must put into raising your children to have as promising of a future as possible—especially in a world that feels so terrifyingly uncertain. “I am sick with worry about the future they are slated to inherit,” says Mosey, 44, who has two children via planned pregnancies. Climate disaster and other economic and systemic issues directly affecting marginalized communities inform Mosey’s intentional parenting choices. “I am also concerned that they show up in the world as liberatory individuals. [They] must be humbly willing to learn when their unconscious racial/ableist/heteronormative biases emerge.”
Georgia, 35, adds, “If you’re having children because… you want to help birth and raise the next generation—and help instill lifestyle practices they will pass on to their own offspring—that is not a selfish thing. That’s intergenerational stewardship, and it’s a deeply meaningful way to contribute to the future.”
They gave everything to become a mom and don’t see how that could be selfish
For some mothers, having children is synonymous with selflessness. “I feel like sharing my body with another human and giving birth was the most selfLESS thing I’ve ever done,” said Crystal, 49, who shared that her two c-sections caused her to feel like she was literally sacrificing her body. Because of this bodily sacrifice, Crystal says she has to remind herself to not be selfish in her mothering by living through them or dreaming for them, but also taking care of herself and following her dreams isn’t selfish. “Motherhood is not the graveyard of my dreams,” she continued.
This is often a point of contention when choosing to have children, especially considering our views on a woman’s right to be selfish about her body, life, and dreams. Oftentimes, women are shamed for wanting to continue their dreams when having children, which can lead to many women either opting out of parenthood or opting out of their dreams. To many, the very act of having a child is selfless. Your life is no longer just about you. You must be willing and ready to trade in a life of self-centeredness for one that revolves around someone else.
“I feel like sharing my body with another human and giving birth was the most selfLESS thing I’ve ever done.”
“Parents do years of free labor to teach and train the next generation,” said Lindsey, 34. Amy, 37, adds, “Having kids because you want them, even when the world is burning, is selfish. But, at the same time, being a good parent requires a level of selflessness that’s impossible to understand ahead of time. It’s a bizarre dichotomy.”
Erin, 34, who admitted above that her decision to parent was selfish, also says it’s about building a legacy and breaking generational cycles. “I value legacy and building on what my ancestors established. I want to continue to counter the negative stereotypes of Black people in the country and foster a healthier next generation. I don’t think that’s selfish.” There are many parents, and hopeful parents, who are passionate about the future of humanity and view parenthood as one of the ways to plant seeds of change and nurture a better world. For them, the work is selfless but fueled by a deep sense of purpose and generational responsibility.
They say reproduction is human nature
“Having children is natural, in the sense that all animals do it,” Lisa, 34, shared. “We, as humans, have the ability to consider whether we want to or not, and that’s the only choice.” For most of us, whether to have children is a choice (outside of forced birth circumstances). And the ability to choose is both selfish and privileged, regardless of what that decision is.
“Overall, I think we are privileged to even have these kinds of concerns because forced birth isn’t our standard (yet),” said Alyssa, 38, who first gave birth at 18 after what she says was a traumatic experience. “That’s not the case everywhere,” she continues.
Consent and free will are major factors to contend with, especially since the future of reproductive freedom is uncertain. The ability to have this conversation is one many women across the world do not have—and one that is increasingly at risk in our own society. That’s why the freedom to make these choices—openly, safely, and without shame—is so essential.
Reproduction is an act of human nature. It’s biological. But, as humans, we have the gift (and the right) of being able to choose whether raising children is something we desire. Children deserve parents who love being parents—who want a life of selflessness that’s required to raise them. And if you don’t want that life, children deserve your honesty. Choosing not to parent when your heart isn’t in it? That’s not selfish. That’s love, too.
It’s unfortunate, but the world is never not on fire in some way. There will always be reasons to fear bringing children into a world where you’re unsure of what the future holds. As Tanya shared, “When becoming a parent, we are not only accepting potential pain and suffering for ourselves; we are accepting it for our children. Does this mean a short life doesn’t have value, or a life with suffering isn’t worth living?”
I’m sure our parents shared many of the same fears. But the beautiful thing about humanity is that there is always hope—and children are often the face of that hope. Whether we choose to be a part of raising them? Yep, we get to selfishly make that selfish choice. And, when it’s their turn, they deserve to be able to make that choice, too.
Caroline Sumlin, Contributing Writer
Caroline Sumlin is a writer, author, and content creator specializing in topics ranging from self-worth, lifestyle, wellness, motherhood, education, society, and culture. Caroline received her Bachelor of Arts degree in Journalism from Howard University in Washington, DC. Driven by her passion for freedom and justice, Caroline crafts articles that urge readers to reflect more deeply and critically about themselves, their lives, and the world around them.
Feature graphic images credited to: Kelly Sikkema | Unsplash, Taylor Thompson | Pexels, PNW Production | Pexels