"Many of us know the name of the game by now: Match with someone on a dating app or IRL (bonus points for that), go on a few dates, get those butterflies in your stomach, and then…nothing. Boom, ghosted. A seemingly perfect start to a relationship ends before it can even begin. Or maybe you’ve been the one to love the initial exhilaration of a relationship, only to distance yourself when they start to get too attached. Sound familiar? The cliche of loving “the chase” is cringey, but unfortunately, it’s all too real.
I’ll admit it—I’m no stranger to this, on either side of the coin. However, my efforts to be self-aware led me to learn about the various attachment styles and their impact on relationships. These days, I’m noticing that singles with avoidant attachment styles are more prominent than ever, and I’m convinced that the incessant ghosting we’re experiencing is the result of that. So if you’re tired of getting ghosted or just want to do a little introspective deep dive to understand why you keep leaving your matches on read, keep reading. I’m breaking down everything you need to know about the avoidant attachment style, why everyone seems to have it, and what we can do about it.
What is an avoidant attachment style?
An avoidant attachment style is one of four main attachment styles that affect how you bond and maintain relationships. It is characterized by a discomfort with emotional intimacy, a need for independence, and a difficulty feeling close with other people. In an interview with Mel Robbins, attachment style expert Thais Gibson explains that an avoidant attachment style is formed as early as ages 0-2 as a result of caregivers who are emotionally distant or who invalidate the emotions of a child. Naturally, someone with this type of attachment style may struggle to express their emotions or trust others with what they’re feeling. Of course, they crave love and connection, but they find themselves withdrawing when someone gets too close or emotional with them, since that doesn’t feel natural to them.
Why avoidant attachment styles are so common right now
In today’s dating world, which heavily relies on dating apps, it’s easy for someone with an avoidant attachment style to connect with people without all the stress and pressure. Initially, this sounds like a good thing, but when a connection begins to ask for more intimacy, it causes them to pull away. Someone with an avoidant attachment style would rather start fresh with a new match or connection than give in to the anxiety that an emotionally intimate relationship may bring. Since the dating scene today is filled with situationships and non-committal “talking stages,” those with an avoidant attachment style can confidently navigate it, knowing that, more often than not, nothing long-term comes of these connections. Avoidants thrive and take advantage of it, consciously or not. They date, never commit, and then they come back to do it all again, which is why the scene is filled with them.
“[Avoidants] date, never commit, and then they come back to do it all again, which is why the scene is filled with them.”
Even though this attachment style is often formed early in life, many people fall victim to it in their adult years as a result of the world around them. Social media has played a huge role in the flourishing of avoidant attachment styles. In a world where everyone is always looking for the next best thing, cheating is all too common, and influencers are constantly raising the beauty standards, it can feel impossible to find someone who loves you for you. All of these things can make anyone fearful of letting someone in. Maintaining surface-level interactions allows singles to still have fun and date without getting hurt. At the end of the day, finding someone single with an actual intention to commit isn’t impossible, but dating someone who is tempted to run for the hills as soon as it stops being fun and easy for them is frustratingly common.
How to spot avoidant attachment behaviors in others
Once you understand what common avoidant attachment behaviors look like, you’ll begin to recognize these patterns in your dating life (more than you’d like to, unfortunately). One of the best ways to spot this attachment style in others is through love bombing. Avoidants often use this at the beginning of their relationships, whether they’re aware of it or not. When first getting to know an avoidant, they seem attentive and loving. But after a few weeks, their communication likely begins to slow, they become less interested, and you notice you’re starting to get breadcrumbed. Maybe they aren’t initiating conversations anymore or start giving you one-word responses.
“In a world where everyone is always looking for the next best thing, cheating is all too common, and influencers are constantly raising the beauty standards, it can feel impossible to find someone who loves you for you.”
Another common behavior is known as “the chase.” They have an obvious excitement to get to know you, and it feels fiery and passionate, but then, all of a sudden, the spark is gone, and it feels like there’s a whole new person in front of you. This decline of affection is a telltale sign that you’re about to get left in the dust. When you notice these behaviors, you can either call them out to try to remedy the situation or call it quits before they do.
How to heal your own avoidant attachment behaviors
Think back on all the relationships you’ve had in your life, or even the situationships you’ve been a part of. Did you avoid letting them in? Did commitment make you feel stuck? Were you the one to break it off? If the answers to these questions are a resounding “yes,” you likely have an avoidant attachment style. Thankfully, although attachment styles can form early in life and continue throughout adulthood, it is possible to heal your negative connotations associated with love and connection. If you’re recognizing avoidant attachment behaviors in yourself, all you need to do is want to change and commit to healing the self-sabotaging behaviors you inflict on relationships.
A therapist is a great catalyst to get in tune with your deepest feelings, ones you might not even recognize, and walk through noticeable patterns and triggers in your relationships. After becoming aware of attachment styles and their consequences on your relationships, you can begin to change your core beliefs around love, according to psychologist Dr. Maika Steinborn. So, before you think about swiping aimlessly again, be introspective and aware of the attachments that you’re building. By checking in with your emotions and communicating these struggles with future relationships, you can face your attachment style head-on and make progress toward a secure relationship style—you know, one you don’t feel tempted to run from.
Jenna Piotrowicz, Editorial Assistant
Jenna began working as an Editorial Assistant for The Everygirl in 2024. With her eye for detail, she assists the team with content creation, sourcing products and images, and works behind the scenes to support The Everygirl in uploading and updating content.