"They say not to dip your pen in company ink, but adhering to that adage is easier said than done. After all, it’s practically impossible to not mix business with pleasure when you’re with someone who makes you swoon for 40 hours a week, 52 weeks of the year. Plus, it stands to reason that spending that much time with someone would set your relationship up for success. Unlike other potential matches, you already have a camaraderie that’s been built through work. But what’s a girl to do when dating a coworker is frowned upon?
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This all begs the question: Is it really that bad to date someone you work with? To find out once and for all, I tapped a licensed psychotherapist and former HR consultant, along with a relationship expert, for their insight. Ahead, their answer to this question, along with why the stigma around dating a coworker exists in the first place, how mixing business and romance can impact your career, and what to consider before dating a coworker.
Madeleine Phelan, LMSW
Madeleine Blaine Phelan, LMSW is a New York City-based modern psychotherapist who specializes in dating & relationships. Prior to becoming a therapist, Madeleine worked in management consulting and co-founded a dating coaching company. She holds an LMSW from New York University, a B.S. in Human & Organizational Development from Vanderbilt University, and is currently in private practice at Madison Square Psychotherapy under the supervision of Kristin Anderson, LCSW.
Natasha Marie Narkiewicz
Natasha Marie Narkiewicz is a Sexual Wellness Expert and is the Head of Communications at sexual health company, MysteryVibe. As Head of Communications, she has intimate knowledge of the intricacies that lie both in and outside of the bedroom between strangers, friends, and couples.
Why is there a stigma around dating a coworker in the first place?
It doesn’t matter where you work or what you do: Dating a coworker carries a stigma—especially when the relationship involves a subordinate and a supervisor. According to Licensed Psychotherapist and former HR consultant Madeleine Phelan, this type of relationship has historically been viewed as a way to propel your career and receive special treatment in the workplace. She explained that when a romantic partner has sway over your performance review, promotion eligibility, or career trajectory, it not only creates a power imbalance in the relationship but also a disparity between other coworkers; it’s biased and unethical.
Dating a coworker can also blur the lines between your personal and professional lives, according to Natasha Marie Narkiewicz, a Sexual Wellness Expert. “When your love life is intertwined with your work life, it can be difficult to ‘clock out’ mentally,” she explained. Plus, team dynamics usually change if you’re dating someone within your department who’s at the same level you are; your colleagues may feel uncomfortable confiding in you, potentially assuming you would tell your partner. And, of course, there’s always the potential fallout to contend with, Narkiewicz explained. Keeping things professional after a breakup is oftentimes easier said than done, and the breakup will likely be felt by everyone on your team—not just you two.
“Even relationships that are within company policy and are approved by HR can be detrimental to your professional reputation.”
Can mixing business and romance negatively impact your career?
In-office romances are nothing new, but dating a coworker can still be seen as unprofessional. While every company has its own policies regarding in-office romance, Phelan explained that even relationships that are within company policy and are approved by HR can be detrimental to your professional reputation and alter your colleagues’ perception of you. After all, it’s hard to remain clearheaded and not allow your partner to influence your decision-making at work. And if your colleagues suspect there’s any favoritism going on between you and your lover, there will be tension in the workplace, Narkiewicz explained. To pour salt in the wound, Phelan said that because every company has its own policies about in-office romances, dating a coworker might require changing teams or companies.
Furthermore, not all relationships are built last. “If the relationship ends, the emotional fallout can spill into your work life,” Narkiewicz explained. Unsurprisingly, this can make it harder to stay professional and on top of things at work. “This could result in squandered opportunities, strained relationships with coworkers, and hindered productivity.”
Ultimately, all of these things—hindered productivity, bad reputation, moving teams, or switching companies—can alter the trajectory of your career for the worse. And this, in turn, can affect your success.
Can dating a coworker get you fired?
Although mixing business with romance can negatively impact your career, Phelan explained that dating a coworker can’t get you fired, so long as you’re following your company’s policy regarding in-office romance. While policies vary, she explained that dating a coworker on your level is usually allowed, while dating someone you report to, like a supervisor, crosses a line; with the latter, the relationship usually needs to be reported to HR immediately. “Of course, violating such policies or failure to report a relationship that requires doing so could result in termination.” So, it’s better to be safe than sorry. If you’re worried about losing your job, either report it to the uppers or don’t get involved at all.
What you should consider before dating a coworker
The heart wants what it wants, and if your love interest feels the same way you do, pursuing a relationship might be worth it. However, it’s easy to get caught up in the excitement of a new romance and throw caution to the wind when it comes to your career—and this could jeopardize your job. To prevent this from happening and ensure you’ve fully outweighed the risk to reward prior to dating a coworker, here are three things to consider:
“Learning how to work together is one thing—learning how to work together as a couple when others are involved is another completely.”
Your company’s policies about workplace relationships
Before pursuing a relationship with a coworker, both Narkiewicz and Phelan recommend first checking your company’s policies about workplace relationships. This will let you know whether the relationship is allowed, what the guidelines are for working with someone you’re romantically involved with, and whether you have to report the relationship to HR. Obviously, the latter will depend on your company’s rules, but honesty is always the best policy. Phelan explained that reporting the relationship, even if it’s not required, will ensure there are no issues in the future with reorganization or promotions that might put one of you in a position of power over the other.
Narkiewicz agrees with this sentiment. “Even if there isn’t a strict policy in place, transparency is always good practice to keep a healthy work environment and protect both your job and your partner’s,” she said. “Keeping things above board can help prevent any misunderstandings or complications.”
How the relationship might impact your career
As we discussed earlier, Narkiewicz stressed that most company cultures frown on workplace romance. She explained that even if you don’t face disciplinary action and the relationship’s above board, “you may encounter a hostile work environment that makes it extremely difficult to advance through.” This could drive a rift between you and your partner down the line; you might resent them for what’s happened to your career. Similarly, Phelan also recommends considering how your daily work life might be impacted. Putting aside your feelings and staying objective and efficient might be tricky if you work together frequently, and you’ll have to navigate working alongside each other in a team. Learning how to work together is one thing—learning how to work together as a couple when others are involved is another completely.
Alternatively, it’s important to consider how work might affect your relationship. For starters, not bringing work home with you will be more challenging; you might find yourselves arguing about different project opinions over dinner, taking bad days at work out on each other, and so forth. Likewise, one person being promoted while the other stays where they are could lead to resentment. Being able to talk to your partner about your career is important, but a romantic relationship is more than that. And it might be hard to separate the two if you’re dating your coworker.
The worst-case scenarios for your job and the relationship
Things don’t always go according to plan, so while it’s OK to hope for the best, it’s also important to plan for the worst. To do this, Phelan recommends considering the worst-case scenario for your job situation. Would you be OK with moving to a different department, company location, or leaving altogether if HR said one of you had to? Discussing this with your potential partner can also be helpful since it’ll give you both an idea of how serious you are about the relationship and what you’re willing to compromise on.
“If you’re on the fence about dating a coworker, it’s important to remember that your career will never wake up and tell you it doesn’t love you anymore.”
Additionally, Narkiewicz stresses thinking about the potential outcomes and what might happen if the relationship doesn’t work out. “Can you handle seeing this person every day and still perform at work if things go south? Can you remain objective and put the company’s best interest before your personal interests if you have to work closely with your ex-lover?” she asked. Answering these questions might be uncomfortable, but it’s vital. After all, if this is something you can’t handle, you might have to get a new job—something you also have to determine whether you’d be OK with.
So, is it really that bad to date someone you work with?
When it comes down to it, there is no clear-cut answer to this question. On the one hand, the risk seems to far outweigh the reward. “While a steamy office romance might be tempting, in reality, it could put your job and professional reputation on the line,” Narkiewicz said. And if either of you is in a position of power over the other one, that will complicate and blur lines in and outside of the workplace even more.
On the other hand, workplace romances do exist; there would be no company policies about them if they didn’t. If you and your potential partner are in positions where dating is allowed, have discussed the potential consequences of going forward and public with your romance, and are mentally prepared for workplace gossip, it might be worth pursuing. Ultimately, you two are the only ones who can determine if it’s worth it.
That said, if you’re on the fence about dating a coworker, it’s important to remember that your career will never wake up and tell you it doesn’t love you anymore. While healthy relationships involve compromising and making sacrifices, they should never come at the cost of something you’ve worked so hard for—especially when it’s something you love that fuels you, day in and day out. Don’t risk it all for someone who wouldn’t do the same for you. When the right person comes along, they’ll be willing to take that leap of faith right alongside you.
Arianna Reardon, Contributing Writer
Arianna is a Rhode Island native, professional blogger, and freelance writer. She’s passionate about helping women develop healthy relationships with money, become financially independent, and invest in themselves for the future. Arianna is a firm believer in going after what you want, taking time to stop and smell the roses, and the importance of a good cocktail.