"Thanks to teen dramas like One Tree Hill and The O.C., I was convinced that the first person you ever loved would be the only person you ever loved. As someone who craved stability, the idea of marrying your high school sweetheart was especially attractive to me, not to mention incredibly romantic. I would find my person and live happily ever after, just like the characters in my favorite shows did, and everything from then on would be easy. Enter: my ex-husband, who I met on the first day of high school.
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Our connection was instant, and we got married a year after I graduated from college. It was exactly what I always wanted, and at the time, we thought we’d be in it for the long haul. Five years later, I found myself in a place where I could no longer ignore the doubts I had about our relationship. I tried working through my feelings in therapy, justified arguments we had on repeat, and ignored the truth of our incompatibility for as long as I could. But eventually, I admitted defeat. I asked him for a divorce, even though I still loved him.
In my experience, loving someone isn’t enough to stay married. There are so many different aspects of your relationship and life to consider, like your compatibility and long-term goals. In the process of this realization and ultimately, divorcing my high school sweetheart, I learned a lot about myself and relationships as a whole. So, whether you find yourself in a similar position to me or not, I’m sharing why I did it, and what I learned.
Why I divorced my high-school sweetheart
I was betting on potential, instead of facing reality
When you’re a teenager, you’re your most optimistic. You’re not familiar with the realities of adulthood, like how much work it takes to save money or how many curveballs life can throw at you. You are excited about life’s possibilities and confident you know where your future is headed. As a couple, we excitedly looked forward, betting on each other’s potential. I thought he’d become more career-oriented, while he thought I’d become less emotional. Spoiler: Neither of those things happened.
What’s worse, we were sure that our issues would figure themselves out with time—like we’d grow out of the fact that we didn’t see eye-to-eye. Every day we battled more and more with unmet expectations. We were upset that the other person wasn’t who we thought they were supposed to be. While everyone is a work in progress, this wasn’t fair to either of us. I learned the hard way that we all deserve to be loved for exactly who we are, right now.
I realized shared history is not a good reason to stay together
For a long time, I talked myself out of separation because of the good times we used to have together. We knew each other so well and had such a great relationship before tying the knot. The thing is, that was then, and this is now. It wasn’t a good enough reason to stay married. I realized there would always be an inherent level of intimacy and history since we were together for half our lives, but when you take that away, what’s left isn’t enough.
“I was comfortable in my unhappiness, but if I ever wanted to pursue joy, I had to let go of the past.”
By staying together because of our shared past, we were choosing an incompatible relationship over any other possibility out there. We didn’t align on spending habits, community involvement, sense of humor, and a million other big and small things. It took me a few years of therapy to admit that I was comfortable in my unhappiness, but if I ever wanted to pursue joy, I had to let go of the past. Embracing the unknown, no matter how much it scared me, was the only way forward.
I realized my anxiety worsened the longer I ignored my feelings
My anxiety wreaked havoc on our marriage for a while. The littlest things would trigger me, and my ex struggled to spend time with me as a result. For a long time, I didn’t understand why I was like this. With the help of a lot of therapy, I realized it was my body’s way of responding to our relationship and the lack of control I felt in it. When I asked for one thing, he would do the opposite. When I had a plan, he had a different one. Everything felt out of my control, and my anxiety was quick to respond to that.
As someone diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder, I know that it can come out to play whenever it wants, often for no reason at all. But sometimes, and in my case, there was a root cause—the nagging doubts that I was in the wrong relationship. In learning that, I was able to treat it. Now, I feel significantly less anxiety than I did when I was married, which is saying a lot considering I’m now a single mom.
I learned the “opposites attract” theory was just masking our incompatibilities
I leaned hard into the “opposites attract” theory with my ex—harder than I should have. What I didn’t realize is that we weren’t just opposites because we didn’t share hobbies or social calendars. Our differences in our priorities, values, and goals were so deep, they made us incompatible.
“When I asked for one thing, he would do the opposite. When I had a plan, he had a different one. Everything felt out of my control, and my anxiety was quick to respond to that.”
Relationships are all about compromise, and we tried. But it was always going to be impossible to build a life together that we were both happy with. Instead, we built separate lives, rarely inviting each other into them. Though subconsciously, I think we craved an escape from the realities of our marriage.
Over five years of marriage, our lives continued to become more divided, the two of us living more like roommates than spouses. Unless we were willing to give some of the big things up—his desire for a simple and uncomplicated life, and my desire to keep reaching for more—the trajectory wasn’t going to change. Shared priorities, values, and goals create a firm foundation for a relationship, and we didn’t have them. Inevitably, we weren’t able to build anything lasting together without them.
Why I’m not looking back after divorcing my high school sweetheart
There’s nothing pleasant about divorce, even when it’s as amicable and fair as ours. I combatted emotional exhaustion with daily naps and found normal tasks challenging for months. Even with that said, I felt a sense of peace that I hadn’t in a long time after our divorce. That sense of peace has remained, and it gets stronger every day.
By choosing honesty, I was choosing myself. Without all the stress and ambiguity that my marriage brought, I’ve been able to make room for purpose and joy. I’ve since rediscovered my values, my hobbies, and my friendships. I will always be grateful for what my marriage gave me—my daughter, most importantly—and now I extend that same gratitude to my divorce.