"When I got engaged, I ran to TikTok. I’m getting married this October, and I have been fed all the “2024 Bride” and marriage advice content you could possibly imagine. I’ve been told before that marriage is hard, and TikTok seems to agree, which hasn’t exactly eased my mind during what should be an exciting time.
Boston TikToker Liv posted a video in March asking the people of TikTok to stitch her video explaining why “marriage is hard”—and specifically why the first year of marriage is hard. There were thousands of responses to her video, some with more serious advice and insight on why marriage is challenging, and plenty more with responses like “because my husband can’t find the hamper and leaves his socks on the floor” (which is annoying but doesn’t seem any more difficult with or without a ring). Intrigued, I set out to find out if the first year of marriage really is the hardest. Here are what three relationship experts said about making it past the paper year.
Seth Eisenberg
Seth Eisenberg is the President and CEO of the PAIRS Foundation, a nonprofit founded in 1983 that teaches emotional understandings and behaviors that nurture and sustain healthy relationships. He has written hundreds of articles on marriage and relationship education and has decades of experience as a relationship skills educator and course facilitator.
Cheryl Groskopf, LMFT, LPCC
Cheryl Groskopf is a holistic therapist based in Los Angeles, specializing in anxiety, relationship anxiety, and trauma therapy. With Master’s Degrees in both Psychology and Counseling, she uses a holistic and collaborative approach in her practice to lead her clients to lasting change.
Dr. Trina E. Read
Sexologist Trina E. Read is a sex educator and a sexual equality advocate based in Canada. She has been a sexologist for over 25 years, and her focus is helping women develop a healthy sexual mindset through creating a safe space for conversations about sex.
Why is the first year of marriage so hard?
Challenges in the first year of marriage can create stress and conflict, making this a crucial time for establishing communication, compromise, and understanding in the relationship. But don’t let the TikTok nay-sayers get you down! Here’s what three experts have to say about everything after you’ve driven off into the sunset.
Adjusting to cohabitation
One reason why the first year of marriage can be so hard? It’s a huge adjustment period. Seth Eisenberg, president and CEO of the Practical Application of Intimate Relationship Skills (PAIRS) Foundation, said that the first year of marriage can be especially tough if you’re just now learning how to share a space and live together. “Newlyweds might still be learning how to communicate their needs, preferences, and concerns effectively, which can lead to misunderstandings and conflicts,” he said. Moving into a shared space might bring to light the differences and preferences each person may have, and that will require compromise, patience, and healthy communication. Those aforementioned dirty socks that don’t make their way to the laundry bin? Yeah, those can become a problem.
With this said, a lot of these more mundane domestic adjustments have changed since more traditional roles and timelines were the norm. Cheryl Groskopf, LMFT, LPCC, said that the first year of marriage used to be considered the hardest because of these domestic shifts. “Nowadays, many couples cohabitate and date longer before tying the knot, so the first year isn’t always as tough,” she said. “It’s more about fine-tuning your dynamics and less about massive change. If you’re already comfortable sharing space and managing conflicts, the first year can be more about deepening your bond than surviving challenges.” If you’ve never lived together before or have only dated for a short time, the adjustments might be more shocking than if you know your partner’s living habits.
Changing Expectations
It’s not hard to romanticize an idea of what your marriage will be like—believe me, as a bride-to-be, I know. Newlyweds may get married and have high expectations based on what they see in movies, read in books, or simply have seen on the surface of other people’s marriages. We can’t always have Emily Henry-novel-worthy chemistry with our partners all the time.
The first year of marriage can also cause a shift in sexual expectations in addition to romantic ones. Whether you’ve been having sex or waiting until you’re married, many people have different ideas of what their sex life should look like after they officially tie the knot. “In the first year of marriage, you’re moving from honeymoon sex into day-to-day sex,” said sexologist Trina Read. “The majority of couples never discuss this dramatic change in their partnership, and it fundamentally affects their ability to be close and emotionally intimate.” When the reality of marriage hits, and the ebb and flow of sex life in a long-term relationship doesn’t match your expectations, it can cause tension and disappointment for both parties.
Blending Families
Blending two families together can often be a headache. Think Bridgerton: Even totally fictional characters like Daphne and Simon navigate uniting different familial expectations and backgrounds. How much time families spend together and how they get along may become more important in the first year of marriage.
It can be hard for couples to navigate their spouse’s family when they may have different religious or political values, tense relationships with siblings, or overprotective parents. Newlywed couples may have to tackle different family traditions and expectations, which can create stress and require the couple to figure out how to establish boundaries around their relationship. It might not quite be the iconic 2005 JLo and Jane Fonda classic Monster in Law, but stuff with in-laws can still get pretty weird. After all, your relationship is your relationship, not your family’s. Learning how to strike a balance between what’s best for the two of you and what’s best for your in-laws, parents, and siblings is a process that might involve some growing pains.
Financial Stress
“Money is one of the most common sources of conflict in marriages,” said Eisenberg. “Newlyweds often face financial adjustments, such as combining incomes, managing debt, and planning for future expenses.” The first year can be a shock, especially if you and your partner don’t combine finances before getting married. To avoid this, try to be as clear with your partner about your financial situation as you possibly can. “Financial transparency and joint financial planning are essential to prevent conflicts,” Eisenberg said. Being honest with each other about what you make, spend, and what you want to be saving or working toward can help ease tension around finances—if one of you is secretly drowning in credit card debt a la Confessions of a Shopaholic, it’s probably better to get that out in the open ASAP.
So, Is The First Year of Marriage Always the Hardest Year?
If the challenges that these experts pointed out are really the reason why the first year of marriage gets a bad rep, it’s not the first year that’s hard: It’s starting a life together (and dealing with socks on the floor). There’s a common belief that any issues in the first year are permanent—I know many couples who fear becoming stagnant in the conflicts that come up in the first year. However, don’t let these myths get to your head. Many married couples find that early challenges help them grow stronger and more resilient as a team. At the end of the day, the presence of a marriage certificate doesn’t change the fact that building a long-term, hopefully forever relationship with someone you love takes work.
Every relationship is unique, and some couples may find that they’ve tackled most of these possible challenges already while dating or during their engagement, and some may find that the later years of their marriage bring their own set of challenges. “The real trick is using the first year of marriage to strengthen your connection and set the foundation for the years to come,” said Groskopf. Whether you’re in a honeymoon period for the entire first year or you’re struggling through big changes together, the point is that your first year of marriage should only make you more sure of the person you’ve chosen to be your one and only.