"People-pleasing has one of the best PR teams in the industry. At first, it appears to be a positive attribute. I mean, what’s wrong with making sure other people are happy? Even the name itself sounds like a cute, fun, harmless quality. However, we people-pleasers know how draining and defeating it can be. In fact, it’s usually not even about pleasing people—it’s about minimizing yourself and putting your needs aside in exchange for the approval of others. Personally, I have spent years in this trap. And it’s hard not to; everyone wants to be liked. But after watching the most recent episode of Amy Poehler’s podcast Good Hang, featuring Giggly Squad’s Hannah Berner and Paige DeSorbo, I’m officially inspired to rid myself of my people-pleasing ways.
It’s safe to say that Paige, Hannah, and Amy have far more eyes on them than me, but the outside pressures that led them to people-pleasing were surprisingly relatable. Paige discussed how her experience on reality TV has led her to struggle with accepting that people won’t always understand her perspective. In her 30s, she has made a concerted effort to accept that sometimes people won’t like her, and that’s OK. Even without an audience of Bravo fans tracking my every move (and as one, I know how crazy they can be), I’ve definitely struggled with the anxieties of being perceived.
The idea that your actions or words could be misinterpreted and the “you” existing in someone else’s mind is entirely different from who you really are can be incredibly stressful. But as Paige reminded us in the podcast, the only opinion that matters is your own. Accepting that some people might not like you is ultimately more freeing than constantly feeling the need to defend your actions or choices. “Not everyone is going to like you, not everyone is going to think you’re funny, not everyone is going to love your outfits, and that’s OK because you think you’re funny and you like what you’re wearing,” she said in the episode.
“The idea that your actions or words could be misinterpreted and the ‘you’ existing in someone else’s mind is entirely different from who you really are can be incredibly stressful.”
No one knows you as deeply as you know yourself. Yet, our own opinions are often the first ones we dismiss. If your best friend treated your opinion as if it were nothing, despite knowing you better than anyone else, you would probably feel offended. So, why do we do that to ourselves over and over again? Instead of turning to strangers on the internet to tell you what’s cool (I acknowledge the irony in this as I take the advice of three strangers on the internet, but you have to admit, it’s good advice) or changing your life’s goals based on a comment from a random second cousin at a family reunion, look inward for validation.
If you clicked on this article, it’s safe to assume you’re a fellow people-pleaser, so I don’t have to tell you that this is far easier said than done. As Amy put it, “Being misunderstood is painful.” We’d rather bend over backward to present ourselves in a way that others deem acceptable than do, say, and wear what we truly want because it just seems easier. This episode reminds us that, sure, at first, it may be challenging to listen to yourself over others, but once you stop jumping through hoops and only have to listen to one voice instead of thousands (online and in person), it’s worth the initial discomfort.
We can’t control others. And more than that, most people form their opinions about a situation faster than you’d be able to change it. Hannah said it best by reminding us that people who want to misunderstand you will, and those who want to understand you will. Knowing that is how you can come to peace with the desire for approval. So, as long as you feel confident about the kind of person you are, try to tune out the noise. Amy agreed, saying, “What other people think of you is none of your business.”
While I wouldn’t wish the internal anxiety spiral that people-pleasing can cause on anyone, knowing that these three strong, successful women, who on the outside appear to have their entire lives together, also struggle with trusting and standing up for themselves is reassuring. Climbing out of the people-pleasing hole may be a daily battle, but at least we’re in great company—and have relatable podcasts to listen to while doing it.
Lauren Blue, Assistant Editor
As an Assistant Editor for The Everygirl, Lauren ideates and writes content for every facet of our readers’ lives. Her articles span the topics of must-read books, movies, home tours, travel itineraries—and everything in between. When she isn’t testing the latest TikTok trend, she can be found scouring Goodreads for new releases to feature on the site.