"Sure, we might swoon for a certain eye color or body shape, but what drives us to pick a romantic partner goes way deeper than physical appearance. Rather, we look for people who will complement us and add value to our lives. So, when we don’t get a perfect match, we learn from the relationship and don’t make the same mistake again—or we at least try to, anyway. Admittedly, falling for the same type is a tale as old as time. But something deeper has got to be going on if you’re repeatedly picking the same type of partner, only to have things not work out in the end, right?
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To get to the bottom of this predicament, I tapped four relationship experts for their insight on this topic. Ahead, the common reasons why we repeatedly pick the same type of partner, what this might mean, and what to do about it.
Why people pick the same type of partner over and over again
To mend unhealed emotional wounds
You might have unhealed emotional wounds if you’re repeatedly picking the same type of partner. These emotional wounds could stem from childhood or even a recent breakup in adulthood. “Some individuals may unconsciously try to fix these issues by entering into relationships similar to those where such problems existed before,” Brittany Astrom, LMFT, explained. For example, if someone was recently broken up with, they might pick someone else with similar qualities to prove to themselves that they can keep the love and affection of someone like their ex. The biggest problem with this is that their fear of getting dumped again often becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. They are repeatedly pursuing someone they’re not compatible with, according to Suzannah Weiss, a sex and love coach.
Low self-esteem drives their decision-making
No one should settle for less than they deserve. But, people with low self-esteem tend to gravitate toward partners who can’t give them what they want, psychiatrist Dr. Dees explained. “They pick partners who make their negative opinions about themselves true rather than finding healthy supportive ones,” she said. Unsurprisingly, this only reinforces their low sense of self, further cementing their belief that they deserve poor treatment in a relationship. Ultimately, their low self-worth keeps driving their repetitive relationship decisions.
Humans like comfort zones, so we unknowingly look for what’s recognizable and familiar to us when it comes to love.
The partners feel familiar
Humans like comfort zones, so we unknowingly look for what’s recognizable and familiar to us when it comes to love. For example, someone who grew up with an emotionally distant parent might go for emotionally cutoff partners, while someone with a narcissistic ex might go for partners with ego problems.
Dr. Tatkin, PsyD, MFT, said this behavior is driven by the subcortical processes—AKA the neurotransmitters in the brain responsible for memory, emotion, pleasure, and hormone production. “We may have sex with or date non-familiars, but as the vetting process moves forward, partners with too much strangerness may be dropped,” he told me. Dr. Dees backs this up, saying that “the fear of change keeps people from trying anything new,” and that can be a driving factor in how we choose partners.
They lack self-awareness
Like Taylor Swift said: “I’ll stare directly at the sun but never in the mirror,” people who pick the same partner time and again lack self-awareness. “They may have deep-seated beliefs about themselves and what they deserve that influence their choice of partner,” Astrom told me. If you believe you’ll never find love, you might pick noncommittal partners who won’t settle down. Similarly, you might hold yourself back from finding love if you believe your ex was the best you’ll ever get; this belief will influence you to pick partners you’ll never be serious about because they won’t measure up. Whatever it is, Astrom explained that a “lack of awareness leads to a cycle where unsuitable partners are always chosen.”
There could be something deeper going on
While we all tend to gravitate toward what’s most comfortable and familiar to us, Atsrom says this behavior can be indicative of something deeper going on. “These recurring choices aren’t just made regarding individual mates but instead mirror one’s entire internal universe as well as emotional wellbeing,” she explained. So, while picking the same old Joe Schmo might seem harmless on the surface, albeit problematic, it’s usually more deeply rooted. Likewise, you might also have deeply rooted beliefs about love and relationships that are subconsciously misdirecting you.
“For breaking the cycle behind those repeating patterns, understanding these fundamental issues is very important,” Dr. Dees said. Once you understand where your decision-making is getting a little skewed in the relationship category, you can make better decisions moving forward.
How to break the cycle and date someone actually new
Date outside your type
If you’re repeatedly picking the same partner only to have things not work out in the end, Weiss encourages you to go on dates with people outside your type. “Going on one date won’t hurt anyone, so give yourself the chance to be surprised even if you doubt you’ll end up with that person,” she said. This means swiping right on people you wouldn’t normally, striking up conversations with people who embody different qualities than your previous partners, and so forth. The best part about breaking out of your comfort zone is that it might help you find what you’re truly looking for and prevent you from falling back into old habits, according to Weiss. It worked for Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce, after all.
Figure out what you’re looking for in a partner and relationship
Weiss suggests making a list of five qualities your next partner must have, five you’d also love for them to have, and five deal breakers. Then, date accordingly. “Make sure anyone you pursue a relationship with has all five qualities you need, at least three of the ones you’d really like, and none of the ones that are deal breakers,” she told me. ”Run your dating choices by someone else like a friend, coach, or therapist so that you’re held accountable for broadening your horizons and honoring your values.” Likewise, she also stressed the importance of being honest with yourself while you’re dating; if someone has a deal breaker, you need to acknowledge that—not pretend it doesn’t exist.
Additionally, Dr. Tatkin encourages you to visualize your ideal relationship. When you’re doing this, be mindful of using the pronoun “we” instead of “I.” Case in point? If you want a partner who makes you feel heard and supported, you’d say, “We hear each other out and support one another.” Saying, “They make me feel heard and supported” doesn’t get you fully in the relationship mindset because you’re not viewing it from a place of teamwork.
Engage in activities that can help boost your self-esteem
Building your self-esteem will help you finally realize how worthy you are of love. This is why Dr. Dees recommends engaging in activities that boost self-worth. On top of journaling and using positive affirmations, get involved in hobbies that get your body moving or express your creativity. This can be anything from joining a recreational sports team to taking pottery classes or writing. Exercise releases endorphins and can make you feel good about yourself, while creative self-expression can make you feel accomplished and relaxed. What’s more, this also might help you find a partner you’re more compatible with since you’ll be surrounded by others who enjoy the same things as you.
Building your self-esteem will help you finally realize how worthy you are of love.
Practice mindfulness
Practicing mindfulness is not only going to make you more self-aware, but it’ll also make you more present. This can ultimately make connecting with your innermost thoughts and emotions easier. Dr. Dees explained that because of this, you’ll likely become more deliberate in your approach to dating; you’ll have a greater understanding of what it is that you truly desire and need in a partner and relationship, and this, in turn, will allow you to break away from a pattern that’s not serving you.
Meditation, journaling, deep breathing, and yoga are all great ways to practice mindfulness, but if you’re unsure of where to start, try enlisting the help of an app like Superhuman, Calm, Open, or Headspace.
Seek the help of a professional
When it comes to unpacking deeply rooted emotions and breaking away from old habits, enlisting the help of a professional, like a therapist or mental health counselor, can make all the difference. A mental health professional will have the tools to help you get to the root cause of your behavior and, ultimately, help you fix it. Remember: You deserve your happily ever after, and if a mental health pro can help you get that, then you’ll be all the better for it.
Experts Consulted:
Brittany Astrom, LMFT
Brittany Astrom is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and the Clinical Supervisor at OC Revive in California. She holds a Master’s Degree in Marriage and Family Therapy from California Baptist International University and has over 15 years of experience working in the Mental Health and Substance Abuse field, supervising Associate Marriage and Family Therapists for almost six years.
Suzannah Weiss
Suzannah Weiss is a Sex and Love Coach, author of Subjectified: Becoming a Sexual Subject, and Resident Sexologist for Biird, a female-led, pleasure positive brand. She has written for publications such as The New York Times, The Washington Post, and New York Magazine, and worked as an editor at Teen Vogue. Weiss also holds a Master of Professional Studies in Sexual Health, as well as a Bachelor of Science in Cognitive Neuroscience and a Bachelor of Arts in Gender & Sexuality Studies and Modern Culture & Media.
Dr. Michelle Dees
Dr. Michelle Dees is a board-certified Psychiatrist who specializes in treating anxiety, mood disorders, and depression. Currently practicing at Luxury Medical Spa, Dr. Dees uses her training from Washington University to provide psychiatry that prioritizes patients’ well-being and mental health so they may “feel beautiful inside and out” and succeed in life.
Dr. Stan Tatkin, PsyD, MFT
Dr. Stan Tatkin is the Developer of the Psychobiological Approach to Couples Therapy® (PACT), a unique approach to couples therapy that combines attachment theory with developmental neuroscience and arousal regulation. His best-selling novel, Wired for Love, provides readers with cutting-edge research, tips, and tools on how to better understand their partner’s brain and attachment style, so they can defuse conflict and build long-lasting relationships.