"After hosting The Everygirl Podcast for almost three years, I consider myself an expert on self-love. To get to spend an hour chatting with some of the most confident women in the world—from billionaires to body image advocates to wellness gurus to general badasses—I’d have to be an idiot to not pick up on a few things. Whether I’m interviewing a celebrity nutritionist or reality TV star, the topic of confidence always comes up, whether I plan for it or not. I’ve learned self-love is the foundation of everything: optimal health, career success, a happy relationship—whatever you want in your life, self-love is what you need to get there.
Spoiler Alert: It's so, so worth it.
And yet, it has been so deeply programmed out of women. We’ve been taught the “right” way to be a woman is to hate our bodies, put others first, make ourselves small in body and spirit, to be selfless—as if being void of self is a virtue to strive for rather than a devastation to run away from. So my hope for you—and my call to women everywhere—is to be selfish. To love yourself so unburdenedly and unconditionally, to be so full of self that no one would even think to call you selfless. Here are six lessons about self-love I’ve learned from unbelievably confident women that I want you to know, too.
“Be selfish—love yourself so unburdenedly and unconditionally, be so full of self that no one would even think to call you selfless.”
1. Self-esteem is a matter of focus
My conversation with self-esteem expert Dr. Simone Alicia (known as The Self-Esteem Doctor) completely transformed my relationship with myself and the way I think about self-love. A major lesson she shared was that self-esteem or lack of self-esteem, confidence or lack of confidence, is just a matter of where we put our attention. “ A lot of self-esteem issues are a matter of our focus, where we’re giving our attention and how much of our attention we’re giving.” Dr. Simone explained that emotions are like seeds; whatever emotions you “water” begin to grow. If you focus on the bad—how you compare to other people, flaws you dislike, or mistakes you’ve made—it starts to grow like a garden of weeds in your mind.
But the opposite is also true: If you water the seeds of what you like about yourself, what you’re proud of, or why you’re worthy, that will grow, too. So next time an unconfident or unkind thought about yourself comes up, get into the habit of giving it less attention: Replace it with positive thoughts, or simply remind yourself that no one else notices or cares about your flaws as much as you do, and think about a different subject if that feels easier.
Listen to my episode with The Self-Esteem Doctor
2. When you’re lacking confidence, visualize the best-case scenario
You may be familiar with Dateline correspondent Andrea Canning as the true crime queen, but I surprisingly learned an amazing confidence tip when I got to chat with her. She has been in the most insane situations—from interviewing serial killers to breaking news to millions of people—that require you to be very sure of yourself. So I asked Andrea for her #1 confidence tip or something she does when feeling self-doubt before going on live TV in front of millions of people. Her response: “ Especially at the beginning, I would visualize it all going great: I know my stuff, I walk out of this live shot, and everyone’s gonna say, ‘Hey, Andrea, you did a great job.‘ I just put the positive out there that it’s all going to be perfect.”
The truth is that most of us spend time thinking of the worst-case scenarios, feeling like we’re not worthy or not ready for big opportunities. We often ask ourselves, “What could go wrong?” I’ve learned that the most confident women ask themselves, “What could go right?” Confidence isn’t a trait you’re born with; it’s making the effort to think of the best-case scenarios instead of the worst.
Listen to my interview with Andrea Canning
3. Actually look at yourself in the mirror for body acceptance
Ayesha Perry-Iqbal is an inspiring model, women’s rights advocate, and speaker who shared with me her healing journey and how she found self-love and body acceptance. When I asked her how she learned to love her body after growing up feeling othered and dealing with bullying, she told me that we need to look at ourselves in the mirror more often—and actually look. “I couldn’t look at myself fully in the mirror for a long time,” she said. “Looking at myself in the mirror, accepting the image that I really see—not the disproportionate vision I have of myself—giving myself actual compliments, being around myself more naked, like when you’re in the shower, pay attention to yourself…” When you truly look to admire your body, Ayesha notes that you’ll realize there is nothing wrong with you: You’re healthy, and you’re beautiful. We need to see our bodies for what they are, beyond obsessing over every little flaw, and know that even if we can’t find beauty in our bodies, they are doing exactly what they are meant to do and—to quote Ayesha—actually, there is nothing wrong with you.
Listen to my interview with Ayesha Perry-Iqbal
4. Social media changes your self-esteem
To me, hearing “social media detox” is like hearing “eat your vegetables”: I know I’m supposed to be doing it, but is it really exciting advice that feels like it will change my life? Not really. Until Mimi Bouchard told me the surprising effects of being off social media for almost six months. “I thought that I had done a lot of work on myself and never compared myself to other people,” she said. “But when I was on social media, I realized I was not feeling great about myself and comparing myself, feeling like I had so much I had to constantly improve, and I didn’t realize it at the time.” Because social media has been such a prevalent part of our lives for so long, we have no idea how it is really affecting us—and it likely is negatively affecting our contentment, stress levels, and self-esteem.
It took Mimi leaving social media for months to realize how much it was actually impacting her. “Being offline, I don’t have this craving to show off or a need for validation. And I’ve just really fallen in love with myself even more.” Even if a six-month social media detox doesn’t feel realistic, consider spending less time on the apps (even just five minutes less every day adds up) or unfollowing any accounts that may be harming your self-esteem.
Listen to my interview with Mimi Bouchard
5. Don’t give external or changing factors the credit you deserve
Sarah Nicole Landry (The Birds Papaya) initially went viral years ago for her “successful” 100-pound weight loss journey—but secretly, she had never felt worse, physically and mentally. Sarah decided to start posting about her insecurities instead, and years (and millions of followers) later, she has created a successful career out of helping women embrace their bodies, get over insecurities, and love themselves. An important message she shared in our conversation is how we tend to use external factors as tools to love ourselves: finishing a marathon, getting a fresh haircut, wearing a cute outfit. While you should feel proud of what you work hard for and love your haircut or outfit (because you do look SO cute!!), your self-love shouldn’t hinge on these things. Because does that mean you are unlovable during the times in your life when you can’t run a marathon or you’re having a bad hair day?
What we accomplish or how we look affects the way we feel about ourselves, but they’re just representations of who we are and who we still would be if we didn’t finish a marathon or look cute in an OOTD. “A red lipstick doesn’t make you a more powerful person in the boardroom; you wearing it is reflecting who you want to be,” Sarah said. “A blazer does not make you a badass bitch. You’re a badass bitch, and you feel it when you put on a blazer.” In other words, you deserve the credit, not the external factors.
Listen to my interview with The Birds Papaya
“A blazer does not make you a badass bitch. You’re a badass bitch, and you feel it when you put on a blazer.”
6. Feel the fear and do it anyway
Psychology says that a key pillar of self-love is self-efficacy, or the belief that you can accomplish a task or goal. A lack of self-esteem is often due to letting fear stop you from what you want to do (whether it’s a tough workout, getting up once the alarm goes off instead of scrolling on your phone, going on a first date, or making a career move), so you subconsciously learn you cannot trust yourself to do what you actually want to do. I asked best-selling author and entrepreneur Lori Harder how she was able to accomplish what she wanted over letting her fears take over, and she explained that she started practicing what she was afraid of. “ Public speaking was like my biggest fear. I couldn’t speak in front of four people… I now speak on huge stages—15,000 people—often.” She recommends taking baby steps: She started speaking at a table with a few friends and eventually increased until she got comfortable being uncomfortable with public speaking.
But the important part is not getting over the fear; it’s knowing that you can do it anyway. “ Notice that I did not say stepping into your fear and getting over it—it doesn’t go away,” she said. “I still am the most nervous person before I speak, no matter how prepared I am.” We often look at fear as a red light; because we are afraid or uncomfortable, we shouldn’t do it. Feeling discomfort and fear but still doing the thing you want is what builds self-efficacy, which improves self-esteem and confidence.
Listen to my interview with Lori Harder
Josie Santi, Senior Wellness Editor & Podcast Host
Josie has been an editor and writer for The Everygirl since 2017 and became a certified Holistic Health Coach in 2020. As the Senior Wellness Editor, she oversees, writes, and edits wellness content, as well as reports on wellness trends and interviews the industry’s leading experts. Listen to Josie on The Everygirl Podcast.
Feature graphic images credit to: Felicia Lasala for The Everygirl Podcast, Ajaila Walke | Dupe, Emily Park | Dupe