"The start of my relationship was marked by a continual urge to jump my partner’s bones. We ripped each other’s clothes off every chance we got, and often had sex multiple times a day. At the time, I naively believed things would always remain this hot and heavy between us and said as much. Yet here I am, 12 years later, eating those words. Nowadays, our sex life is sporadic, and the only time we rip each other’s clothes off is when one of us is wearing something too tight to take off without assistance.
The caveat of being in a committed and secure relationship is that letting intimacy fall by the wayside is all too easy. So when I realized my husband and I had been putting sex on the back burner, I proposed scheduling sex to remedy this problem. To my surprise, my husband agreed under one condition: Scheduled sex would be for the weekends, and during the workweek, we’d surprise the other with a sexual favor, with the giver and receiver alternating weekly. His logic? Doing this would add spontaneity back into our sex life.
A month has passed since implementing this weekly ritual, and the shift’s been palpable. Surprising my husband with sexual favors (think: sensual massages, hand jobs, oral sex) and vice versa brought the heat back into my marriage. Both of us are now heady with lust, the same way we were during the early days of our relationship. Adding spontaneity back into our sex life through surprise sexual favors rekindled the spark that, unbeknownst to us, was missing from our marriage. So naturally, I’m here to share exactly how, just in case you are in desperate need of a little more heat, too.
How we incorporate sexual favors
Because these sexual favors hinge on spontaneity, implementing this new regimen with a laid-back mindset was key. This would allow us to reintroduce and then maintain that spur-of-the-moment passion our sex life had lost. More importantly, it would grant the giver the freedom and flexibility to adapt and adjust as needed. Some weeks, a quick massage followed by kissing and cuddling on the couch might be all the giver can fit in. Other weeks, the giver might massage the receiver one night and perform oral sex another night. It all varies based on the week.
Of course, none of this is to say that incorporating sexual favors has been smooth sailing from the start—because that’s absolutely not the case. Not only was my husband’s first week a wash because he got sick, but both of us had to relearn how to be extemporaneous with sex again. No matter how well-versed you used to be, initiating a sex act doesn’t come easily when you’re out of practice. But practice makes perfect, and after a couple of weeks, we found our footing and a nice rhythm.
How sexual favors rekindled our sex life
1. We became hornier for each other
I know I’m not alone in saying that the longer I go without sex, the less I want to have it. Obviously, experiencing dry spells is normal in any relationship because life happens, but the saying “use it or lose it” exists for a reason. Like most long-term couples, my husband and I have a habit of putting sex on the back burner whenever we’re faced with challenges at work or in our personal lives, and lately, my libido has suffered because of it.
Needless to say, I fully expected these surprise sexual favors to reignite my libido, but what I didn’t expect was how much hornier we’d become for each other. I no longer wanted the simple release of an orgasm—I wanted my husband to be the one giving it to me. This insatiability reminded me of the frenzied lust we’d experienced during the early days of our relationship. More than a decade had passed, and yet we were able to rekindle that ravenous desire for each other.
2. Emphasizing pleasure over sex brought us closer
When my husband and I agreed to perform surprise sexual favors for one another, we said that emphasizing pleasure over sex was key. The idea behind this was to remove the pressure of feeling like the encounter had to evolve into full-blown intercourse. Likewise, we’ve always been big on performing small acts of service, and these acts would essentially be the sexual equivalent of giving your partner a back rub or making them dinner after a long work day.
Pleasing the other “just because” reaffirmed the importance of simply being there for and helping your partner. Plus, they encouraged us to think about each other more often. This, subsequently, made us more available to one another, sexually and non-sexually. We started helping each other out unprompted and doing whatever we could to make each other’s lives easier. My husband started leaving ready-made coffee for me before he went to work because I love the way he makes it. Likewise, despite my propensity to leave things in disarray (think: unfolded laundry and clutter on the counters), I began making an effort to keep the house organized because disorganization stresses out my husband. Ultimately, emphasizing pleasure over sex has brought us even closer and strengthened my marriage in and outside of the bedroom.
3. Pleasing my partner made me feel sexier
I became sexually active in an era that claimed sex wasn’t enjoyable for women. Unsurprisingly, this made me think that pleasing a man was my sole purpose in the bedroom. It took years of suffering through subpar sex before I finally realized how wrong this was, and once I had this epiphany, I made having an orgasm my number one priority for every sexual encounter. What can I say? I’m a huge proponent of closing the pleasure gap.
Somewhere along the way, though, I started equating performing sex acts for nothing in return with giving away my power as a woman. Honestly, I was unaware I was harboring this belief until my husband came up with our weekly ritual; saying “no” was my knee-jerk reaction to his proposal. I love my husband, but I wasn’t about to agree to a plan that offered me nothing in return; however, he (correctly) pointed out that favors are essentially acts of kindness. More importantly, he assured me that the favor would be reciprocated, and I was able to let my guard down and get on board with the plan.
“There’s something incredibly empowering about being able to disarm the person you love and make them come undone. I felt invincible, and subsequently became bolder and more creative with how I’d make the approach.”
Despite my propensity to shy away from things like this, surprising my husband with sexual acts, knowing I wouldn’t get an immediate orgasm in return, made me feel sexier. There’s something incredibly empowering about being able to disarm the person you love and make them come undone. I felt invincible, and subsequently became bolder and more creative with how I’d make the approach.
4. It broke up the monotony we’d become accustomed to
It’s easy to fall into a sexual routine when you’ve been with someone for a long time. It’s something that occurs naturally as you learn how to please your partner specifically; over time, you develop go-to moves and eventually begin reciting the same old song and dance during sex because you’re guaranteed satisfying results.
Surprising my husband with sexual favors and vice versa broke up the monotony we’d become accustomed to. The acts that normally fell into the “foreplay” category were now the stars of the show. This meant we had to put our all into truly pleasing one another and creating a satisfying sexual experience. Better yet, we could no longer use fatigue or thinking the other wasn’t in the mood as excuses for not initiating anything sexual, nor could we settle for cuddling on the couch every night and never taking things further. In essence, we had to rework our daily routine to make taking care of each other sexually a priority, and that added a spark of excitement to our workweek.
5. The spontaneity made us feel young again
Lastly, surprising each other with sexual favors throughout the week did more than just give my sex life the spark of spontaneity it had been so desperately missing—it transported me back to a time when I was younger and more carefree. Although my husband is four years older than me, we got together when neither one of us was carrying the full weight of adulthood. It was the start of summer and we had less responsibility, and our passion for one another rivaled the scorching temperatures outside.
“Stretching the honeymoon period for as long as possible doesn’t have to be the goal—knowing how to transport yourself and your partner back to that time is.”
That said, the truth is that honeymoon phases aren’t meant to last. Something will inevitably come along and pop your love bubble. Yet, contrary to popular opinion, this doesn’t have to be a bad thing. Learning how to weather storms as a couple is a vital component of a healthy relationship. In my eyes, stretching the honeymoon period for as long as possible doesn’t have to be the goal—knowing how to transport yourself and your partner back to that time is. Adding spontaneity back into my sex life rekindled the flame that had been lit during the start of our relationship.
What to know before adding sexual favors into your sex life
It goes without saying, but there is no universal prescription that works for every couple’s sex life. Plus, every relationship experiences highs and lows with sex. If you’re considering incorporating surprise sexual favors into your sex life, it’s important to determine whether you’re simply experiencing a dry spell or if your sex life needs a revamp. On the one hand, if outside factors have stressed you out and killed your libido, a sexy evening with your partner might be all you need to get your sex life back on track. On the other hand, surprise sexual favors might give you the refresh you need if not having sex has become normal, you’re feeling sexually unsatisfied, or you’re merely going through the motions in the bedroom.
If you’re experiencing the latter, have an open and honest conversation with your partner. Talk about how you’re feeling and why you think adding surprise sexual favors to your sex life will be beneficial. Highlighting how this isn’t scheduled sex but rather a way to bring back that hot, rip-your-pants-off lust from your honeymoon phase can be helpful. Likewise, making the first move can also work in your favor; it might make them more inclined to agree and return the favor once they glimpse what this ritual can do.
When it comes down to it, the key is to make this ritual work for you and your relationship. This might mean following the same regimen as me or altering the frequency. Either way, remember that it’s unrealistic to think that nothing will ever veer you off track. Life happens! But this ritual can make it easier to prioritize intimacy even in the craziest seasons of life and ensure you don’t fall into a sexual lull in your relationship for too long ever again.
Arianna Reardon, Contributing Writer
Arianna is a freelance writer and journalist, and the self-proclaimed hot and dirty martini queen. At The Everygirl, Arianna uses her authenticity and relatability to empower, inspire, and motivate women everywhere. Whether she’s writing about sex and relationships, career and finance, beauty and fashion, wellness, or home and living, Arianna’s passion shines through in all her work.