Society has made us believe that sex is supposed to just happen. If it doesn’t, it means that the sex is bad, there’s a lack of attraction, or the relationship is in trouble. Most of the time, though, this is simply not the case. The truth is, life gets busy, and when you’re comfortable with someone, you don’t feel the added pressure to put on an acrobatic performance in bed every night. Instead, you promise each other that you’ll have sex tomorrow—but tomorrow never comes, and before you know it, a month’s gone by and you and your significant other haven’t slept together.
If this rings all too true for you, you’re not alone. It’s easy to let sex fall by the wayside when you’re in a relationship and dealing with the ups and downs of daily life. However, sex shouldn’t be neglected—which is exactly why scheduling it can be so beneficial.
Admittedly, scheduling sex sounds like the least sexy thing in the world, but experts swear by it. Putting it in your calendar can help make sex—and your much-deserved, blissful orgasms—a priority again and help strengthen the bond in your relationship. Keep scrolling to learn the 4 major benefits of scheduling sex in a relationship, and how to schedule sex with your partner so you can keep the connection strong.
Why scheduling sex is actually a good thing
1. It nourishes intimacy and keeps satisfaction alive
Sex may not be everything in a relationship, but it is still so vital. It helps two people connect physically and emotionally, which is exactly why it deserves extra attention. “If sex feeds your bond, it isn’t just some extra fluff you should try to work into your day if you have time,” certified sex coach and sexologist, Gigi Engle, writes in Self. “When it’s part of the glue holding you together, it deserves some respect and dedication.” When it comes down to it, the intimacy you and your partner share is something that should be nourished.
In addition, scheduling sex also helps keep sexual satisfaction alive because it grants you the time to focus on your own needs as well as each other’s. It is much harder to have a satisfying orgasm when you’re crunched for time or worried about getting to sleep because you have an early morning.
2. It keeps things spicy
Sure, there’s nothing like a good heat-of-the-moment romp, but spontaneous sex doesn’t give you the opportunity to experiment with new things. After all, learning what you like in the bedroom is akin to finding a golden egg, and once you find yours, those moves become your go-to. While there’s nothing wrong with this (if it ain’t broke don’t fix it, right?) it can inadvertently make sex stale.
Scheduling sex, though, can help keep your sex life spicy. In fact, planning in advance gives you time to brainstorm and discuss new things you’d like to try, and knowing when something’s coming up gives you time to build up anticipation. You can think about new lingerie you might want to wear or positions you want to try, fully prepare and set the scene beforehand, and so on and so forth.
3. It prioritizes one-on-one time together
Let’s be real: Every couple is glued together during the honeymoon phase. It makes sense; it’s an exciting time! The relationship is brand new and you’re fully wrapped up in the lavender haze, as Taylor Swift likes to say. However, as you settle into a routine and long-term couple-hood, that one-on-one time together often dwindles down. Scheduling sex, though, can help you once again prioritize that physical intimacy and crucial one-on-one time together.
In addition, scheduling sex also demonstrates full commitment to the relationship. Think about it: If the relationship didn’t matter to you, sex wouldn’t matter to you. “Scheduling sex is not just about scheduling sex. It is also about carving out focus time with one another which is an important part of maintaining a bond in a relationship,” Jenn Mann, LMFT and author of The Relationship Fix, tells Insider.
4. It naturally increases libido
Look, I’m personally a huge believer in going on brief sex cleanses (they can give you the best orgasms of your life, FYI), but there’s no denying that sex begets more sex. It’s a simple fact. When you go without something for a while, you forget how good it is. Once you’re reminded of it, though, you’ll become insatiable. And with a naturally boosted libido, you’re more likely to have spontaneous sex. Really, it’s a win-win all around, and having more sex—if you’re up for it—is never a bad thing.
How to schedule sex with your partner
Scheduling sex with your partner may sound unappealing, slightly stressful, or even a bit overwhelming, which is totally normal. That said, though, scheduling sex with your partner doesn’t have to be difficult. Here’s how to do it in 4 easy steps:
1. Decide how often you want to have sex
The first thing you and your partner should do together is decide how often you actually want to have sex. When figuring this out, it’s important to be realistic with your expectations. If you’ve been struggling to have sex once or twice a month, trying to fit it in multiple times throughout the week is going to prove challenging—and that’s OK! We all start somewhere; the important thing is that you start. Remember: You can always build up as you go.
2. Actually schedule it
Sit down together and figure out a day and time that works best for both of you. This can be a standing sex date or something you decide each week anew. Think about when you feel your best physically and emotionally and what days you tend to have more free time. If you both have Saturdays off but you feel best in the morning while your partner feels best at night, try scheduling sex for a late afternoon or early evening on a Saturday.
Once you’ve figured that out, both of you should mark it down in your own respective calendars, digitally or physically. This will give your sex date the same weight as any other important appointments or events. Marking it down will also amp up the excitement and help hold you both more accountable, which will increase the likelihood of you following through with it.
3. Do your best to stick to the schedule
When it comes down to it, it’s really up to the two of you to stay committed and follow through with your plans. Granted, this may take some getting used to, especially in the beginning, so be flexible and tweak as needed. That said, if you’re both feeling OK, try your best to stick to the schedule and make sure that you’re both finishing sexually satisfied.
In addition, some people find that scheduling sex creates unwanted, added pressure, so keep in mind that this is about creating a space where sex can happen; the entire goal of scheduling sex is to increase and maintain intimacy. So, be flexible! There may very well be times when one of you simply isn’t feeling up to it, and during those times, you can choose to engage in another form of intimacy or simply spend time together. If one of you is under the weather, you can always opt for some nice cuddling. If you’re crunched for time, have a steamy make-out sesh. Whatever the case may be, remember that this is all about strengthening your bond and carving out one-on-one time together.
4. Have fun with it
Sex should never feel like a chore, so have fun with scheduling it with your partner! Take the opportunity to lean into the anticipation and build up excitement. Brainstorm ways you can experiment in the bedroom; research different positions you can try. Plan out a sexy outfit to wear that day to entice your partner and get them in the mood; spritz on some of your favorite perfume for good measure, or turn your room into the romantic setting of your dreams.
Additionally, you can also tease your partner in the lead up to the event. A sexy text or enticing whisper the night before can really get them going. Or, sit down and talk about something you’d like to try ahead of time. Just remember that safety is an absolute-must for all parties involved.
At the end of the day, dry spells in a relationship are totally normal; anyone who’s ever been in a serious, long-term relationship has undoubtedly experienced at least one. When this happens, the best thing you can do is make sex a priority once again in your relationship. Be patient in the beginning of your journey. Scheduled sex may not work for everyone, but going into it with an open mind and willingness to try can make all the difference. Remember: When it comes down to it, what really matters is that you’re spending quality time together and nourishing your bond.