"Throughout my dating life, the idea of dating for “the one” has seemed…well…a little ridiculous. I’ve never known a dating world without dating apps, where countless options are algorithmically served to me, so I’ve never even considered that there might be one right person out there for me. However, a new dating theory has opened my eyes: the “single scale” theory.
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Whether you’re like me and have been trying to figure out why the idea of “the one” isn’t super appealing, or you have been searching for that person for years, the “single scale” theory can help you put your dating life in context. In a dating landscape full of painful situationships, ghosting on apps, and fewer opportunities to connect in person over shared interests, knowing where you fall on the single scale can help you date smarter.
For me, finding out where I fell on the single scale allowed me to breathe easier about not dating for “the one”…but for others, it’s changing the game in terms of finding their perfect person. Here’s what you need to know.
What is the “single scale” theory?
Dating sociologist and Dateable podcast cohost Julie Krafchick introduced the idea of the “single scale.” On Instagram, Julie shared the idea that most people actually are not purely single, and are instead somewhere along a spectrum of singlehood. “What’s interesting about relationship status is that it’s so binary. You’re either single or in a relationship, but I actually think it’s more of a spectrum,” Julie observed on an episode of Dateable. “On the far left, you have your single AF, no prospects…and on the far right side, you’re married and you’re off the market.”
The “single scale” proposes the idea that the middle of the scale is where most people in the dating market fall. Maybe they’re having casual sex, are in a friends-with-benefits situation, are in a situationship, or have harbored an unrequited crush on their coworker for several years. They may be “single” in the traditional sense of not being in a committed, long-term, monogamous relationship, but they are not “single AF.” If you’re in the middle of the single scale, you have romantic or sexual prospects floating in your orbit—so you’re not actually that single.
How being in the middle “single scale” can prevent you from finding “the one”
If you’re dating for marriage, or you’re at least looking for a long-term, committed, monogamous partnership, being in the middle of the “single scale” (or dating someone who is) instead of the far left of the scale—where you are 100% single—might be preventing you from reaching that goal. Here’s how:
You’re distracted by too many prospects
One of the most common problems with today’s dating landscape is feeling like there are too many options. Dating apps are the culprit—since there’s a seemingly endless feed of “single” people in our areas, we assume that the best thing for us is always the next, newest person. Basically, we’ve taken “thank you, next” a little too far. If you are perpetually in undefined situationships and addicted to Hinge, this is definitely a sign that you’re stuck in the middle of the single scale. Cutting off those “potential” prospects is really the only way to get back the time and energy it takes to foster a true connection.
You’re not seeking out people who are “single AF”
The single scale might be hurting your chances of finding “the one” from the opposite direction, too. If you’re not explicitly seeking out people who are 100% single then you might find yourself getting frequently ghosted. Keeping the single scale in mind when you are going on first and second dates will help you weed out people who are in or distracted by undefined relationships themselves. Learning how to ask “How single are you?” should become a part of your dating arsenal. But don’t take it personally if their answer is… well… not very single. Most people aren’t, according to this theory, but don’t fear, people on the left do exist and want to find you too. Try speed dating or asking friends to set you up on a blind date with serious prospects.
You don’t have sufficient time to connect with yourself
The idea that you need to “know yourself” before you find “the one” may be cliché, but it’s cliché for a reason. If you haven’t had sufficient time to reflect on your interests, take stock of your platonic relationships, or improve your confidence because you’ve been too busy dating around, you could be getting in your own way. It might be time to be single AF and do some reflective journaling, so you can be as open as possible when you do make that strong connection.
When being in the middle of the “single scale” can be helpful
Here’s the good news: If you’ve realized you’re in the middle of the single scale and you’re not dating to find “the one,” then you have nothing to worry about! There is nothing wrong with keeping your options open. The single scale isn’t meant to discourage you from being active in your own dating life—it’s just meant to give you some perspective on where you fall.
For me, the single scale opened my eyes to why I was never compelled to date for “the one.” My situationships, gray-area relationships, and even long-term crushes have given me a lot of necessary insight about myself that I wouldn’t have been able to learn were I perpetually single AF. I enjoy being in a constant state of self-discovery. Big career changes, cross-country moves, or joining new friend groups can’t always be the answer: sometimes, I need a crushing situationship to learn more about myself. For example, being in the middle of the “single scale” has taught me what I like to do on dates, what personality traits I find attractive versus the ones that give me the ick, and even more about my physical type. I don’t need to date for “the one,” but the single scale theory does ease my mind about why not all of my relationships have had fairytale endings.
Imagine a dating world where everyone knew about the single scale. You could not only get clear about what you want from your dating life but also ask the same of potential partners. If you’re dating for “the one,” then it’s time to add the single scale to your dating vocabulary—and you might want to hang out on the far left side of that scale for a while. It may no longer be chic to wear the phrase “single AF” splashed across a T-shirt anymore, but when it comes to finding “the one,” you should wear it on your sleeve.
Emma Ginsberg, Associate Editor
Emma is a writer, editor, and podcast producer who has been creating at The Everygirl since 2021. She writes for all sections on the site, edits the Entertainment and Community sections, and helps produce The Everygirl Podcast. With a degree in American Studies, Emma is especially passionate about evaluating the impact pop culture and internet culture have on the day-to-day lives of real women.