We didn’t have enough time. We weren’t motivated. We were too tired, too busy, too distracted. So we make a deal with ourselves—I’ll start tomorrow—and feel briefly absolved before repeating the same song and dance tomorrow, next week, next month… and before we know it, an entire year has gone by. We beat ourselves up for not trying hard enough, but what if that’s not the real issue? What if the reason we’re not crushing our resolutions doesn’t have anything to do with a lack of discipline, willpower, or motivation?
Mark Manson, the three-time New York Times bestselling author of The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck and co-founder of Purpose (not to mention one of the internet’s most-read voices on modern self-help), argues most people fail at their goals for one unglamorous fact: they’re not asking the right questions. Not the inspirational ones you’ll find in self-improvement books, a ChatGPT pep talk, or spread across a vision board. But rather the hard, sometimes uncomfortable gut-checks that force you to confront what you truly want, what you’re willing to give up for it, and whether the goal is just another box you feel pressured to tick. Read on, and you’ll find out the exact questions Manson says you need to ask yourself, and why answering them might be the only thing standing between you and a goal that actually sticks.
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Mark Manson is the three-time New York Times bestselling author of The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck and co-founder of Purpose. He’s been featured in over 50 of the biggest publications, including New York Magazine, GQ, Time Magazine, and Variety. His advice has resonated with millions of people all over the world who are committed to a more practical, realistic form of personal growth. In his own words, “I write life advice that is science-based, pragmatic, and non-bullshitty—AKA, life advice that doesn’t suck.”
If It’s Not Laziness or Willpower, Why Do Most Goals Fail?
Maybe you swear this is the year you’re finally going to lose weight. You buy a couple of workout sets, schedule your gym sessions for the week, and prep some meals. Say a promotion, a higher salary, or a leadership role is what you’re after, so you say “yes” to more assignments and work longer hours. Or, you decide you’re going to launch your own Substack or open an Etsy shop, and you block off time in your off-hours and tell all your friends. But when the novelty wears off and you don’t follow through, momentum dies, and you blame life, work, and everything in between—or you chalk it up to laziness or burnout.
But according to Manson, it’s not effort that’s missing—it’s direction. “Most people fail at their goals because they’re chasing the wrong things in the first place,” he said. “They set goals based on external expectations, what looks impressive, what their family wants for them, and what society defines as success, rather than what really matters to them.” When your goal comes from seeking outside validation, it’s going to take a lot of coercing to keep it going. You have to continue pushing yourself forward since there’s no internal pull doing the heavy lifting for you. “You can have all the discipline in the world, but if you’re climbing the wrong mountain, you’re still going to feel empty at the top,” Manson added.
The Questions to Ask Before Even Committing to a Goal
Manson pointed out the mistake most people make happens before they even commit to a goal: they never ask, “Why do I actually want this?” And when they do, their answer usually stops at something vague like “I want to be successful” or “I want to be happy,” without digging deeper into what those words specifically mean to them. The result? People pour their blood, sweat, and tears into goals that look good on paper, only to end up frustrated or feel empty once they get there. To avoid that trap, Manson said you have to unpack the underlying values driving your goals in the first place. Here are the reality checks to run before choosing what to chase:
Question 1: Why Do I Actually Want This?
Be honest with yourself. Do you really want to lose weight so you feel stronger and healthier for the long haul—or because you’re trying to live up to the unspoken standards society sets for what “attractive” is supposed to look like? Will getting that promotion make your work more meaningful, or will it just quiet your parents or that nagging voice telling you you’re behind and not good enough? And that side hustle you keep talking about? Are you fulfilling a real passion, or just trying to keep pace with friends’ highlight-reel side projects? Because no amount of willpower or late nights will carry you when the motivation underneath is surface-level. “Most goals fail because the ‘why’ behind them is weak and superficial,” Manson said. “Identify your true values before spending years pursuing someone else’s definition of success.”
Question 2: What Struggles Do I Secretly Kind of Enjoy?
Losing weight means showing up for workouts and nutrient-dense meals even when you’d much rather binge-watch or your favorite pasta takeout is calling your name. A promotion isn’t just a raise or a shiny new title; it often comes with more responsibility, stress, and pressure to prove you can handle it. And launching a side business takes the evening grind, rejection, and the slow, uphill climb of creating something from scratch. Each of these goals comes with its own flavor of difficulty, and the ones that last are the ones where you don’t just tolerate the hard parts—they pull you back in. “Achieving anything requires a degree of struggle,” Manson said. “If you find the forms of struggle that you enjoy having in your life, you’ll go much further.” The trick isn’t sidestepping the challenges, but picking the battles that low-key energize you instead of wear you down.
Question 3: If I Achieve This and No One Ever Found Out About It, Would I Still Want to Achieve It?
Manson called this one a good litmus test: Do you genuinely want a goal because it matters to you, or because you just want recognition from others for it? Would you still push through 5:30 a.m. wake-up calls to hit the gym and meal prep if no one complimented your progress or how you look? Think about that promotion you’ve been gunning for. Would you still put yourself through extra meetings and long days if no one ever noticed your new title? Or let’s talk about that side gig you’re getting off the ground—would you keep grinding through sleepless nights and “thanks, but no thanks” emails if no one liked your launch post or shared your “success story?”
Reflecting on this pulls back the curtain on the real motivation behind every pursuit. Between social media, society, family, and friends, we’re constantly fed a version of success that looks impressive on the outside. But Manson doesn’t sugarcoat it: If the goal doesn’t hold up once you strip away everyone else’s approval, it’s not yours; it’s someone else’s trophy you’ve agreed to work for.
What to Do With Your Answers
“Asking the right questions helps you understand what you actually value and care about, and what you don’t,” Manson said. “If you set a goal that’s not aligned with your current values, you’re going to run out of fuel every single time.” So you’ve stared down your “why,” weighed the struggles you secretly like, and admitted which goals are really yours. Now what?
Ditch the Goals That Don’t Pass the Test
If losing weight is just about fishing for compliments, the promotion is only to impress your hard-to-please family, or your side hustle exists to keep up with social media appearances, cut them loose. You’ll save time, energy, and all that unnecessary mental load.
Double Down on the Goals That Light You Up
These are the ambitions where the hurdles to get to the finish line fire you up and the ones you’d pursue even if no one was watching. Build a game plan around them. Want to get fit because deep down you enjoy moving your body? Choose classes you look forward to, not the flashy TikTok fitness routines everyone’s raving about. Go all in on a passion project because it fuels your creativity, not because it’s the move everyone in your friend group is bragging about.
Test It Out Before You Fully Commit
Treat your goals like mini experiments: start small, pay attention to how each action—every workout, work task, or late-night grind—makes you feel, and see which stick. If you hit a wall and it makes you drained, stressed, or dreading what’s next, consider it your cue to rethink the whole thing. Pushing blindly through a goal that doesn’t fit you won’t get you anywhere. Instead, tweak, pivot, or abandon what isn’t working, and run through the inner audits again.
Revisit the Questions Regularly
You’re not the same person you were five years ago, or maybe even a year ago. What gets you up in the morning today might feel hollow six months from now. Checking in consistently ensures your intentions reflect what you truly care about, not just what everyone else expects of you. It’s not about trying harder, but zeroing in on the right things. Answer Manson’s three questions honestly, act on them, and suddenly you’re owning your goals. Going off Manson’s metaphor, only climb the mountains that are worth the sweat—and skip the ones that leave you wondering why you even started.
Katherine Chang, Wellness Staff Writer
Katherine Chang is The Everygirl’s Wellness Staff Writer with over five years of experience in the health and wellness space. She navigates the latest wellness topics and trends through expert interviews and studies, and she’s always first in line to try them firsthand.
