"As a little girl, you’re gifted baby dolls before you can even walk. From there, your job is simple: feed them, change them, play with them, love them, and make their little make-believe lives your own. You are their mother now, and they need you. This early training exercised the maternal instincts a lot of us already had. But not every girl fell in love with them the same way. Instead, they wondered if there was something they could play with that didn’t require so much from them. When they grew up and decided that children wouldn’t be in their future, for one reason or another, it clicked—maybe motherhood was never a fit for them after all.
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Out of all the assumptions made about women (to which there are many), a frustratingly inaccurate one is that we all feel called to motherhood. Not everyone wants a white picket fence and a set of twins. And the ones who do but can’t (or who made the hard decision to be child-free) really wish everyone would stop acting like all forms of joy have been sucked from their experience as a woman because of it.
We asked our readers to share more about why they are child-free, and their responses varied from exhilarating to devastating. What feels “as natural as breathing” to some still brings grief to others. But above all else, we learned this: There are immense opportunities for fulfillment outside of having children, your decision is yours alone, and it’s literally no one’s business (not even ours!). Ahead, the reasons why 20 women are child-free.
They’ve never felt any desire to have children
“I’ve always known that motherhood wasn’t something I wanted for myself,” said Sara, 39, who shared that even as a child, she never had dreams of having children. This sentiment is echoed throughout most responses we received—having “a maternal bone” is not as common as you’d think. Sammie, 36, even jokes about it, saying, “I simply did not come installed with the motherhood software.” For many, not having kids wasn’t much of a decision—they just never pictured their life that way.
For others, not desiring to have children from a young age came from outside factors, such as childhood trauma, a fear of generational patterns, and being parentified. “I was parentified at an early age due to my parents’ divorce and their addiction issues,” shared Frankie, 41, who feels like she already did her fair share of raising her brothers and maintaining a household. This was echoed by Nicole, 30, who laughed and said, “I honestly feel like I served my time, and I need to retire.”
“I simply did not come installed with the motherhood software.”
Whether they simply don’t feel maternal, were handed a responsibility they never asked for, or don’t want to relive their childhood experiences through their own children, there is a very real lack of desire present among some women.
They’re afraid of the complications
Pregnancy asks a lot of a woman’s body—and it’s scary. Molly, 30, says it “sounds like a horror movie” and that almost none of what scares her is temporary either. Postpartum hair loss, incontinence, diastasis recti, a changed body type, and the potential for mental health struggles are all very legitimate fears. Not to mention, childbirth is frightening. “I grew up knowing my older brother died due to complications during childbirth and that my mother nearly died, too,” shared Chloe, 37, who already suffers from health conditions of her own that could further complicate her experience.
Lauren, 32, says that the risks aren’t worth the reward. She attributes a lot of this to maternal health not being prioritized, stating that “there are so few resources out there for mothers and families.” Preach, Lauren! And with the way the political climate is going, she added, “Getting pregnant feels just as scary as it did when I was 16.” Pregnancy and childbirth are anxiety-inducing for many women for these reasons, plus more. “Building a whole person from scratch is a huge responsibility that scares the living shit out of me,” Kassie, 33, put simply.
Conceiving didn’t, or wouldn’t, come easy
Let’s make one thing very clear: Thousands of women who have decided to be child-free really, truly wanted children. They wanted to be a mother, and they were willing to make the necessary sacrifices, but conceiving brought more physical, emotional, and financial overwhelm than they could bear. Taylor, 46, describes her child-free life as “part choice, part circumstance.” After an abortion at 21, a miscarriage at 32, and a trying period at 37, she and her husband decided not to pursue fertility treatment.
“Being a mother is something I’ve wanted my entire life, but due to my age and inability to afford egg freezing, I just don’t see it as being a realistic possibility.”
There is a financial side to egg freezing and infertility treatment that simply cannot be ignored. “Being a mother is something I’ve wanted my entire life, but due to my age and inability to afford egg freezing, I just don’t see it as being a realistic possibility,” says Tate, 34. She explains that not having children feels like a decision that was made for her, not the other way around.
Similarly, women shared stories of health diagnoses that have, or would, get in the way of conceiving, such as fibroids and autoimmune diseases. With these things in mind, they don’t feel comfortable trying to conceive if it means risking their life or the life of their baby.
The stress is too much to bear
“I don’t want to raise children in a world that’s unfriendly to them,” says Heather, 28. When it comes to the political climate we live in today, Heather isn’t afraid to say what a lot of us are thinking. Laura adds that the “world feels terrifying between climate change, mass school shootings, and political unrest,” and she’s right, it does.
Alex, 32, puts this into perspective: “I can’t imagine having to meet the physical and time needs of a child with our lack of support for working parents… If I had a little girl, I would have to explain to her one day that I had her knowing her rights were slowly being stripped away.”
Not to mention, our economic climate is only getting worse, and people are having a hard time keeping up as it is. After deciding that she wouldn’t have children, Madison, 30, felt a huge release of financial pressure. “What would’ve been diapers or college is available if my car breaks down or I decide to pick up and move,” she explains. Kat agrees, stating, “I can’t guarantee a good life for a child (financially, emotionally, politically), but I can maintain a good life for myself.”
They enjoy their freedom
Speaking of lack of freedom, the flexibility to do whatever you want is basically lost the moment your baby is handed to you. This is why many parents grieve the life they had before their children. Of course, you won’t be tied to their needs and schedules forever, but it is long enough to make you question whether or not you’re willing to sacrifice your freedom. Your hobbies, career, relationships, and more are all affected. With this in mind, Victoria, 40, said her decision to be child-free came from not wanting her life to change. “To give life, I have to give up mine,” she explains.
“If I had a little girl, I would have to explain to her one day that I had her knowing her rights were slowly being stripped away.”
“My time feels entirely mine,” says Blair, 32, who loves her ability to travel, give back to her community, and nap whenever she wants. Laura agrees, saying, “My time and money go to the things I value, and I’m not willing to give that up.” She noted how important spontaneous hangouts with friends and sleeping in on the weekend with her partner are—two things that parents of young children do not have the luxury of. Similar sentiments were shared in a large majority of responses. A few women admitted that kids would alter how they find joy and fulfillment, and they don’t care if that sounds selfish.
They prefer to nurture in different ways
There are plenty of ways to nurture—none of which explicitly require having your own children. “Being a mother comes in a lot of shapes and forms,” explains Chloe, who shares that she doesn’t feel a need to have a child of her own. She explains that, to her, being a mother can mean being a “loving and nurturing presence to your friends and others around you”—and that includes her pets, who she is fiercely protective of.
Many women expressed their admiration for children (whether they are their students, neighbors, or nieces and nephews) but made clear that just because they love them and love caring for them doesn’t mean they want their own. Reagan says, “I think they are wonderful, magical little beings… I just don’t want them in my space all the time.” She loves that her career allows her to care for other people’s children and that she gets to go home to her quiet, clean home afterward. Madison shares a similar sentiment about her friends’ children: “I still love kids, and I still love your kids, but I still won’t be having kids.” You can call anytime for her to babysit, though.
Cool aunt, babysitter, pet mom, plant mom, nurse, foster parent, coach, teacher—we see you. Raising, nurturing, and loving just about anything takes a village—and that village is you.
They’ll regret having children more than they’ll regret not having them
“Aren’t you worried you’ll regret it?” This is the most common question child-free women get asked. And their responses? Well, they’re pretty powerful. After telling whoever asked that they really should mind their own damn business, they respond with full confidence. “I’m not worried at all. Becoming a parent is too great a responsibility. Playing with an entire human being’s life based on possible regret is just careless,” says Kara, 45. There are plenty of things in life we might end up regretting, but most child-free women are certain that not having kids won’t be one of them. Lauren says, “I’d rather regret not having children than have them and regret that.” Can you imagine your child finding out that you never really wanted them?
“I would hate to have kids just because I thought that was what I was supposed to do in this life,” says Zoe, 38. She explains that there are so many things she wants to achieve and experience, and having children would interrupt that. A child-free life offers endless possibilities, and they are ours for the taking. “I’ll never regret choosing myself,” confirms Leah, 26.
Editors note: Names have been changed to protect identities.
Hailey Bouche, Associate Editor
As an Associate Editor for The Everygirl, Hailey Bouche oversees, writes, and edits content across various categories on the site. From the pitching stage through publishing, she works alongside the team to ensure that the content that our readers see every day is inspiring, relatable, and timely.