"There are certain things in life we tell ourselves we’ll never do: get bangs, lie to our therapist, stay in a job we hate, lose touch with friends. We tell ourselves we’ll work hard, love hard, and always see the good in people but that we will never, ever stay with someone after they’ve betrayed us. However, as we move through life, we realize these decisions are more nuanced and complex than we initially thought. More often than not, we change our minds. We do get bangs, we do lie to our therapists, and most shockingly, we do forgive partners after they’ve cheated on us. Never say never, right?
A lot of us have done that last one—I have, and so have many of the women reading this. I can say that with certainty because we asked you to share your stories, and an overwhelming number of responses came in. Reading through them, I felt a mix of relief and heartbreak—it’s clear that many of us are part of a club we never intended to join.
The Everygirls are getting real about what happened after they forgave their partner for cheating. Are they over it? Are they still together? Not shockingly, the answers range from “hell no” to “we are happily married.” Read on for solidarity, validation, or the juicy details—either way, you’re not alone.
They made a backup plan
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Vowing to leave if it happened again and not fully trusting that it wouldn’t, a handful of women shared that they now have a backup plan. “I have my own amazing travel trailer on the Texas coast and am looking to buy land for myself,” said Sarah. After her husband had an emotional affair with his coworker, they remained married, but Sarah said “I should not have looked to him solely for safety and security.” She encourages others to be pragmatic, since “you never know what the future holds.”
It’s not uncommon for people to stay in relationships because they aren’t sure how or where they will live. Is it easier to be unhappy than to start from nothing? With a backup plan in place, readers like Sarah share that they don’t have to worry about that. Sure, it’s not great to pay for land or set money aside just in case you get cheated on again, but it does give peace of mind.
They became better than ever
Sometimes, couples lose their way. Whether they are going through something difficult, like the loss of a loved one, or they fear being judged for their desires, communication and connection can break down. This is where infidelity can find its way into your relationship. In this case, Blair, 35, says “honest conversation can clear that air,” since she believes that cheating can be a result of “unmet needs.” Her partner, who is bisexual, cheated on her with another man, which she explains was due to him feeling like he couldn’t talk to her about what he needed. With clarity and a dedication to be open and transparent moving forward, it’s possible that you can find your way back together—which Blair and her partner did.
Brooke, 38, said, “I truly don’t think our relationship would be as good as it is today with it not happening.” After her now-husband cheated on her, he became dedicated to being “all in” which meant communicating openly and honestly. Now, they don’t keep any secrets and are better for it. This is echoed by Alex, who confronted her partner after seeing suspicious texts. “Our relationship is better than ever… it was a major bump in the road, but it has given us that much more perspective on how to care for a relationship so that it stays strong,” she explains.
They dream of starting a new life
Allison, 47, whose response hit me like a ton of bricks, said, “I sometimes wish he would cheat on me now so I could start a new relationship.” She forgave her husband over a decade ago for his infidelity, and believes he’s been faithful since, but admitted, “You are sometimes so far in that it’s so much harder to leave.” Hindsight provides clarity, making it easy to see that leaving would have been the best choice. However, as more time passes, it becomes harder to justify.
“Our relationship is better than ever… it was a major bump in the road, but it has given us that much more perspective on how to care for a relationship so that it stays strong.”
Cara, 29, shares that it’s been two years since her partner cheated on her with another woman he swore “meant nothing” to him. She’s been grieving the end of their relationship this whole time. Now, she dreams of leaving and admits that this year, she plans on actually doing it—once she can figure out how.
Many readers express that they still aren’t sure if they made the right decision to stay, and they wonder what would have happened if they had left. Would they be happier now? Would they feel stronger for it? With that in mind, they vow to do so if there is a next time, and some of them, like Allison and Cara, find themselves waiting for the day they feel free.
They became concerned for their kids’ futures
“Stay Together for the Kids” isn’t just the Blink-182 song we used to play on the way to middle school, it’s what a lot of couples do after infidelity, trusting that it’s easier on their littles that way. One reader, Catherine, 41, who noticed her husband was “distracted” by something she couldn’t pinpoint at the time, shared that she didn’t want her husbands cheating to “f*ck up” their children’s view of him, since “he was and is an excellent father.” Kate, 35, who found out her husband was cheating thanks to Facebook, says that because their finances and kids were intertwined, “it was easier to stay and work through it than to leave and start over.”
Alternatively, another reader, Emily, 31, who had a “gut feeling” that her partner wasn’t being faithful to her, shared that she plans on leaving with her kids in tow if it happens again. This was echoed by Cheyanne, 33, whose husband “gaslit” her into thinking his coworker was “just his best friend.” She says she will be “strong enough to walk away and be the parent their child needs.”
“I started hating myself. I started doubting my self-respect and feeling as if I couldn’t trust myself. I felt icky. I didn’t feel like myself because I knew I deserved better.”
As a child of a cheating-induced divorce, I can’t say which way is better, but I do know that kids play a big factor in decision-making. Do you stay so they have a “normal” household, or do you leave to show them that you shouldn’t be with someone who disrespected you? This is something many women are still grappling with, even after giving forgiveness.
Their mental health took the brunt of it
When you tell yourself you’re never going to do something, like stay with a cheating partner, and then you do, you start to question yourself. Lauren, who quite literally was having dreams her husband was cheating on her only to find out he actually was, shares “I started hating myself. I started doubting my self-respect and feeling as if I couldn’t trust myself. I felt icky. I didn’t feel like myself because I knew I deserved better.” At one point, she thought they could start over and move forward stronger together, but worse than feeling like she could never trust him again was the feeling of not being able to trust herself.
Millie, 34, had a similar experience after her partner cheated on her with a bartender. She wanted to forget it and move past it, but when she tried, her body felt the stress. “The body keeps score,” she says, explaining that she suffered from panic and anxiety attacks while they tried to work through his infidelity. Eventually, for both Lauren and Millie, the mental and physical effects forced them to put themselves first.
They became better versions of themselves
Trauma changes people, and that’s not always a bad thing. Sabrina, 37, felt in her gut that her boyfriend at the time was cheating on her while she was studying abroad, and even though their initial fallout was difficult, their years apart did them both wonders, as she explains. They chased their dreams, started new careers, and “got a lot of growth and expansion” out of their systems. 15 years later, they reconnected and got married. She still has a tender nerve and says it’s not the fairytale she imagined, but says “I appreciate the level of realness and courageous love it requires of us.”
Molly, 33, who has a similar story of growth, found out her fiancee cheated on her six months before their wedding day—oof. She said forgiveness happened slowly: “When I let him come home, when I let him back in our bed, when I married him…” Through individual therapy and couples counseling, they came out the other side as different people. She explains that she grew in too many ways to count. “I realized how strong I was. I became a better communicator. I learned how to have more compassion. I learned more about him. He learned more about me… we grew together,” she explained.
They are still working on forgiveness
Forgiveness doesn’t happen overnight—that sentiment rang true in almost every response. You can “forgive” your partner for cheating and move forward together, but, Jess, 30, who had a gut feeling her partner wasn’t being loyal and confirmed it by going through his phone, explains, “It will constantly be a work in progress, something we will never truly leave behind.”
Rebuilding a relationship requires hard work. It asks you to communicate when it’s not easy. It begs you to see the good in each other. It forces you to respect the other person’s boundaries. But even when you do all that perfectly, a scar remains. If you’re reading this and you’re still trying to forgive your partner, or you’re still trying to forgive yourself for staying too long, know you’re not alone. We are all a work in progress.
Editors note: Names have been changed to protect identities.
Hailey Bouche, Associate Editor
As an Associate Editor for The Everygirl, Hailey Bouche oversees, writes, and edits content across various categories on the site. From the pitching stage through publishing, she works alongside the team to ensure that the content that our readers see every day is inspiring, relatable, and timely.