"The holiday season has always been my favorite time of year. I am someone who feels most motivated when I have something to look forward to, and envisioning the magic of the holidays often keeps me going throughout the year. Celebrating Christmas with my family and indulging in all the festive activities with friends can’t be beat in my book, but there is one aspect of the season that I’ve become particularly accustomed to—I have never celebrated the holidays with a partner.
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I’ve had my fair share of interesting dating experiences during cuffing season and around the holidays (thanks for the good times, Tinder!), but I’ve somehow always managed to end up flying solo for every holiday soiree thus far. Even in my most serious relationship, our relationship was still new by the time December rolled around, so we spent the holidays separately as they didn’t seem like the right time to “meet the family.” And by the next holiday season, I was packing up my things to move out of our shared apartment.
Whether it was the timing of each connection or the various life chapters in which I was focused on anything but dating, I’ve now reached 30 years of age without having decked the halls with a significant other by my side.
Historically, I’ve been a person who is just really good at being single. I enjoy my alone time and independence; I love myself deeply and find plenty of internal validation rather than seeking it from others, and my career has always kept me occupied and focused on furthering my success. Whether I can chalk it up to having über present parents growing up or years of therapy and inner work as an adult, it’s safe to say I have never felt like I needed a partner. All the different facets of my life fulfill me in ways I am eternally grateful for, but that doesn’t mean I never fall into the dreaded comparison trap.
Sometimes it feels like I’m surrounded by people who are lightyears ahead of me in life—but then I have to remember that it’s not a competition.
Taking a scroll on Instagram during cuffing season can send anyone into a downward spiral of loneliness or feelings of inadequacy. After all, society kind of pushes the narrative that we need “someone special” to cozy up to for the winter. As content as I am being single and career-driven at 30, seeing all the engagements and happy couples at the pumpkin patch or sporting matching pajama sets in front of the Christmas tree still gets to me sometimes. I’ve asked myself, “Why haven’t I found someone to smooch under the mistletoe or decorate a gingerbread house with?” or “What is keeping me from meeting someone who wants to share these special moments with me?” and the dreaded “Am I not good enough?”
It’s easy to fall into these thought patterns when we compare ourselves to others. Honestly, I have had to battle a lot of feelings about the fact that I don’t have a partner or own a house at the age of 30. Sometimes it feels like I’m surrounded by people who are lightyears ahead of me in life—but then I have to remember that it’s not a competition.
We are all on our own journey, and it’s no secret that things are really tough right now for a lot of people. Between economic struggles and the sociopolitical climate, very few people are finding adulthood to be a walk in the park. Add in the stressors of the holiday season, and you’ve got a cocktail of chaos that can understandably get anyone down. When I consider all of this, spending holidays alone doesn’t really feel like the end of the world. Would it be fun to enjoy the local light displays hand-in-hand with someone I love? Sure. Do I think adding a new member to my family traditions would be so special? Absolutely. What I don’t daydream about, however, is settling for a relationship that doesn’t enhance my life or rushing into a new connection just so I’m not alone in our Christmas morning photos.
I can say pretty confidently that women—myself included—are often led into the mindset that our value comes from attracting romantic attention. If we have a partner, we’re automatically seen as better than, or like we have it all together. This can be especially amplified over the holidays as you spend extended time around friends and family. When your nosy aunts start to pry and ask, “So why are you still single?” while passing the cranberry sauce, it’s natural for anyone to feel a sense of dejection.
Even in the midst of the most romantic and memorable time of year, I can still enjoy being where I am and who I am now.
While maintaining a healthy and loving partnership can certainly be an accomplishment, I don’t subscribe to the idea that I’m inherently less worthy or significant just because I’m single and spending holidays alone. Even during the most romantic and memorable time of year, I can still enjoy being where I am and who I am now.
One day, I hope to decorate the Christmas tree and bake lots of cookies with a person I’ll have fallen madly in love with. I hope that my future significant other blends seamlessly into my family and adds joy and laughter to our holiday celebrations together. Until then, I’m going to make all the memories I can with the people around me. My girlfriends make great plus-ones for holiday parties, and my sisters and I always have a blast driving around town screaming Christmas music at the top of our lungs while scoping out the festive lights. I trust that I’ll meet my person when the time is right, and in the meantime, I’ll be spending holidays alone and living my best life—without having to share my hot cocoa.