"Attention high-achievers and people-pleasers, you don’t have to do everything all by yourself. In fact, research shows that you really shouldn’t—especially if others are on your team. This is advice we hear often as it pertains to work, and while it’s important to remember in a more literal team setting, it applies after hours in our relationships too. I’ll be the first to admit that I have a hard time remembering the latter, especially in high-stress situations when I think everyone is out to get me, including my partner. But recently, I came across a TikTok touting the benefits of having a “team cue” with your partner, and let me just say, I adopted this ritual immediately and it’s already improved my relationship. Ahead, I’m sharing what a team cue ritual is, why you need to have one, and how to implement it.
What is a team cue?
A team cue is a ritual or a motto that acts as a reminder that you and your partner are on the same team. A video shared by Dani Bennington showed this in action. Before boarding any flight with their “wild pack of children,” her husband says “Same team, same team” and brings her in for a handshake. It looks like they are getting ready for a big game as he reminds her to think of him as a teammate, as opposed to an enemy. They are in this together, “no matter what happens,” he says. If you’ve ever traveled with children, you know this feeling all too well—but this can pertain to any stressful situations or conflicts you and your partner are facing. Instead of facing it separately, a team cue can remind you that you have each other’s back and will navigate whatever is at hand together.
How a team cue can benefit your relationship
Ali, the founder of the couples’ app Lovewick, shared that “even subtle suggestions of being part of a team dramatically improve someone’s motivation and enjoyment of doing a difficult task.” So, instead of going into a situation with dread and overwhelm, a team cue can help you and your partner feel more confident in your ability to handle it. You might even enjoy the process no matter what happens because you know you have someone to either 1) commiserate with or 2) celebrate with. Did someone say trauma bonding??
“A team cue reminds you that you’re tackling life together—the good, the bad, and everything in between.”
It’s easy to get caught up in the heat of the moment, say things you don’t mean, or play the blame game, which can hinder connection and hurt people’s feelings. A team cue can help stop this in its tracks. You’re less likely to get aggravated with your partner when tension is high, nothing is going as planned, and you’re not on the same page. A team cue reminds you that you’re tackling life together—the good, the bad, and everything in between.
How to implement a team cue
The first step in implementing a team cue is defining one, and it can be as simple or creative as you want it to be. For example, one commenter said that their family’s team cue is “one team one dream.” Another commenter said she and her husband often say “It’s me and you pal, me and you.” Brainstorm a few options (whether it’s a phrase or a fun handshake) with your partner. Then, choose the one that resonates with you the most! Pro tip: It helps if it’s a little funny or silly! Since you’ll often be using this in stressful situations, your cue can help lighten the mood before you move forward.
Once you have one locked down, remind each other of it often. It helps to start using it in lower-stakes situations (like before dreadful chores) so when bigger issues arise (like family drama), you remember to use your motto before you get caught up in the moment. You won’t always be perfect and there will always be times when you and your partner forget you’re a team—that’s normal. At the end of the day, having a team cue and reminding each other of it (even when it might feel “too late” to do so) can help you feel closer and more prepared to take on anything together.