"How many times a day do we all use the word “should?” I should go to bed early, I should’ve worked out today, I shouldn’t order takeout. Especially as women, we are inundated with societal, internal, professional, aesthetic, and familial pressure: I should try harder at work to prove myself; I should spend more time with my kids to be a good mother; I should lose weight to be more attractive; I should have more friends, or else I’m not loved. Relevant side note: I believe women must use the word “should” at least 10 times as much as men (based purely on my observations, but there should be a scientific study on this).
I recently interviewed Peloton head instructor, best-selling author, and wellness queen Robin Arzón for an episode of The Everygirl Podcast, and when I asked for tips to crush New Year’s resolutions, Arzón suggested a “Should Detox”—and it immediately changed my brain chemistry. A detox so powerful, so life-altering, and so simple, I had to share it with you. Read on to find out how the word “should” is affecting your life and how to try a Should Detox for yourself.
Robin Arzón
Robin Arzón is a head instructor at Peloton, a New York Times best-selling author, and a fitness expert who has been featured in media outlets such as Women’s Health and SHAPE.
Why the Word “Should” is Toxic
The Oxford English Dictionary defines “should” as “indicates obligation, duty, or correctness, typically when criticizing someone’s actions.” When we “should” ourselves, we’re criticizing our own actions, pointing out where we may be failing or what is expected of us that we may not be naturally living up to. Its toxicity does not come from the word itself but from how the word is used; typically evoking shame, guilt, obligation, or self-judgment. Dr. Shad Helmstetter explains in his book, What to Say When You Talk to Yourself, that when we tell ourselves that we “should” be doing something, we’re implicitly reinforcing the idea that we’re not doing it (the unspoken part of “I should’ve worked out this morning” is “… but I didn’t“).
Even if we say we should do something and then actually do it (“I should go to bed early tonight”), the “should” implies the only motivation is an obligation or because it’s what is expected, not because it is an authentic decision we are making for ourselves—and how unmotivating is that? The way we speak to ourselves matters. Internal dialogue affects your actions and the way you feel about yourself. Saying you “should” be doing something doesn’t actually help you do it and can even lead to feelings of shame, guilt, regret, low self-esteem, or low motivation. In her experience, Arzón found that saying “should” was one of the main reasons people don’t reach their goals. Enter: The “Should” Detox.
“The way we speak to ourselves matters. Internal dialogue affects your actions and the way you feel about yourself.”
What is a “Should Detox”
Replace “I Should…” with “I Will…” and then add a reason
Remember that the way you speak to yourself matters; the words you say become your reality. When it comes to your goals or what you want to accomplish, replace “I should” with “I will…” and then add a reason why you will accomplish that goal. So instead of saying, I should go to the gym tomorrow, say, I will go to the gym tomorrow because I feel amazing after exercise. “Replace ‘I should’ with ‘I will’: I will get my steps in, I will pick up weights, I will not engage with this toxic person in my life, and then add a reason,” Arzón explained on The Everygirl Podcast. “That’s what the ‘should detox’ is. You’re replacing ‘should’ with ‘will’ plus purpose.” Instead of criticizing your actions, you’re making an empowering plan of action and then adding what the motivation is for you instead of implying that the only motivation is obligation or expectation.
Say “… yet” more often
To take it a step further, Arzón added that while we decrease the amount we say the word “should,” we can also increase the number of times we say the word “yet” when we’re having a negative thought about ourselves or our identity. For example, when we find ourselves saying, “I’m not a healthy eater,” add on “I’m not a healthy eater… yet.” We become the stories we tell ourselves. Henry Ford explained this phenomenon, famously saying, “Whether you think you can or you can’t, you’re right.” We often limit what we’re capable of and even who we are because of the way we speak to ourselves. Adding “… yet” changes the story we’re telling ourselves so it’s no longer limiting. We’re acknowledging that we’re not where we want to be, but that we can (and will!) get there eventually. I’m not good at finances… yet, I don’t have enough friends… yet, I didn’t get that promotion… yet.
