"The first time I came across the term “quiet intimacy,” I was thrilled. As an intimacy coordinator by day, this term defines something I’ve tried to explain to actors, directors, and friends alike. When most people think of intimacy, they tend to run full-tilt into sex, assuming that’s all there is to it, but intimacy is about so much more than just sex. It happens in quiet moments, too—like sipping coffee in silence together before the day starts or the rhythm you fall into while passing each other the toothpaste. These small, seemingly insignificant, intimate moments of connection inspire a deeper level of closeness. They are what make our relationships better in every way.
Use code EVERYGIRL15 for 15% off your first order!
Quiet intimacy, or quiet love, started to trend on TikTok to celebrate the power of simplicity in relationships. But I think what we’re all still trying to figure out is how something so understated, that requires little thought or communication, works to strengthen relationships. To find out, we dug into the research. Ahead, we’re breaking down what quiet intimacy is, how it creates strong relationships, and how to implement it yourself.
What is quiet intimacy?
The definition of intimacy pretty much tracks with our societal outlook on the term: being engaged in or involving sex. This isn’t inherently wrong. I mean, being intimate centers around the physical act of sex, right? Yes, sometimes. But being intimate, by extended definition, can also mean you have close association, warmth, or familiarity with someone. This is what sets the idea of quiet intimacy apart. At its core, quiet intimacy is the small, often unspoken moments that anchor relationships, making them feel familiar, secure, and deeply personal.
As psychologist Mark Travers, Ph.D., writes, small acts of kindness, service, and bids for connection “communicate deep affection and commitment.” He explains that they reinforce your emotional bond and show that you cherish and think about each other. It’s when your partner instinctively fills up your water bottle before a movie or when they grab your hand in the car because they know you get nervous in traffic. Quiet intimacy isn’t about grand displays of affection but subtle micro-moments that scream, “I see you.”
How does quiet intimacy strengthen relationships?
It enhances non-verbal communication
Cue Allyson Kraus singing, “You say it best when you say nothing at all”—your tone of voice, eye contact, and body language speak volumes. In fact, non-verbal communication is sometimes more important than verbal communication in relationships, as Jamie Ratowiski of Bayview Therapy explains. Over time, you pick up on each other’s non-verbal cues—what they’re saying when they’re not saying anything, how they’re feeling before they say it, and what they need from you before they ask. From there, you can act on them, or not, with moments of quiet intimacy. For example, being able to read your partner’s body language after a hard day and hugging them because you know they need it can make your partner feel valued, loved, and emotionally safe. These deliberate, purposeful acts of service and moments of connection communicate care and comfortability with your partner that transcends words.
“Quiet intimacy isn’t about grand displays of affection but subtle micro-moments that scream, ‘I see you.'”
It makes you feel more connected
As an intimacy coordinator, I am constantly using quiet intimacy as a technique to build connection and chemistry. For example, on set, we can’t jump into two people confessing their love just like we can’t jump right into sexual contact. We have to create the moments of connection that lead up to that. Think: playfully bumping each other’s shoulders, engaging in prolonged eye contact, or lightly brushing each other’s hands. These intentional moments build on each other as you form a connection. It’s no different than in our real-life relationships. As time goes on, quiet intimacy communicates that you’re still tuned in and interested in maintaining your connection. Think about it: If you always held hands at the beginning of your relationship and now you can’t remember the last time you did, grabbing their hand will communicate that you want to connect.
It enhances your sex life
Quiet intimacy can help make you feel emotionally seen and safe with your partner. When you feel that way, it’s much easier to be vulnerable and open about anything, including your desires in the bedroom. In The Gifts of Imperfection, Dr. Brené Brown explains that couples who feel safe to express and then receive acceptance for their authentic selves have more satisfying experiences in the bedroom—and find it easier to act on their fantasies. Quiet intimacy lays the groundwork for emotional security and acts as a form of foreplay itself.
“Moments of quiet intimacy nurture a constant undercurrent of respect and closeness that makes transitions into sex feel natural, effortless, and oh-so steamy.”
Moreover, foreplay doesn’t start with a kiss or a touch—it begins long before, through everyday moments of attention and thoughtfulness—or quiet intimacy. These nurture a constant undercurrent of respect and closeness that makes transitions into sex feel natural, effortless, and oh-so steamy. Especially if you know your partner’s sexual initiation style, you can stay tuned into their needs and desires and create moments of quiet intimacy that enhance overall sexual satisfaction.
15 ways to practice quiet intimacy
Practicing and identifying quiet intimacy in your relationships shouldn’t be difficult; it should feel natural. These gestures are small, consistent reminders of your care and commitment that leave a lasting impact. Of course, the best kind of quiet intimacy will vary from couple to couple, but here are a few ways you can practice quiet intimacy to strengthen your relationship.
- Hold their hand, just because.
- Remember their food preferences and act on them. For example, prepare a coffee or tea, specifically as they like it!
- Send them a song that reminds you of them.
- Give an unprompted but honest compliment. Did your partner finally cross something off their never-ending to-do list? Tell them you’re proud of them. Do you love the way their shirt makes their eyes pop? Let them know.
- Watch their comfort show or favorite movie, even when it isn’t your first choice.
- Support their interests and hobbies, even if they aren’t yours.
- Do their least favorite household chore for them without being asked.
- As you settle in for a movie, move a little closer to them on the couch.
- Let them have the last bite of something you’re sharing.
- Actively listen when they’re having a hard time without immediately offering solutions.
- Light their favorite candle before they get home from work.
- Choose their favorite restaurant for dinner plans.
- Offer a massage when you can tell they’re tense.
- Read together in comfortable silence.
- Write them a little note to let them know you’re thinking of them.
Sydney Cox, Contributing Sex & Relationships Writer
Sydney Cox is a Chicago-based writer and intimacy coordinator who is passionate about exploring the complexities of human connections and teaching readers to advocate for themselves. Sydney’s work has been featured in various publications, where they aim to foster open and honest conversations.
Hailey Bouche, Associate Editor
As an Associate Editor for The Everygirl, Hailey Bouche oversees, writes, and edits content across various categories on the site. From the pitching stage through publishing, she works alongside the team to ensure that the content that our readers see every day is inspiring, relatable, and timely.