"Wait for them to call you, don’t kiss on the first date, be interested but not too interested, and for the love of god, never, ever be the first one to say “I love you.” Somewhere along the way, we decided that keeping things casual with someone new was the only way to keep them from running. But as Chappell Roan painfully describes in Casual, trying to be the “chill girl” doesn’t always lead to a happy ending.
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Couples have taken to TikTok to recount all the things they did to keep things “casual” with their partner when they first started dating, but the majority of couples participating in this trend did “absolutely nothing” casual. So, who is to say which way is the right way to play your cards? As someone who really, and I mean truly, had zero chill when starting their relationship, I’m here to say that you don’t need to be so concerned with keeping your cool. The perfect relationship timeline, as far as I’m concerned, doesn’t exist.
What happens when you do “absolutely nothing” casual
In the words of Chappell Roan, “I try to be the chill girl, but honestly, I’m not.” I spent many years fearing that if I showed genuine interest in someone too quickly, I’d scare them off. But after many failed relationships, I came to the harsh realization that trying to stifle my true feelings was only making me feel small, and since it wasn’t working anyway, I wasn’t going to play that game anymore. In divine timing, I then met my now-husband.
I meant it when I said there was nothing casual about the way our relationship started. If I participated in this TikTok trend, here’s what my video would say: We were set up on a blind date that ended in us booking a three-day vacation for the following week. We then spent every moment together, and after six months, we moved across the country to start new jobs and build a life together. In the last two years, we have done the following: moved across the country again, bought and renovated a house, got married, and had a baby.
When I tell people our story, I sometimes laugh my way through it because I still can’t really believe it. After all the years I spent trying to make sure my feelings weren’t too much for someone, it’s quite shocking how our timeline unfolded.
Moving fast doesn’t mean it won’t work out
This TikTok trend goes to show that we aren’t the only ones who were inseparable almost immediately. Influencer Campbell Pucket posted her own version of the trend, explaining that she and her husband Jett knew they were soulmates on their first date, and Kelsey Kotzur explained a similar story, saying that she and her husband were “anti-casual” and said I love you in the first month. (Spoiler: so did I!)
Given the unwritten rules we’ve always been told about keeping our cool and not jumping into anything too quickly, you would think that this super-speed cadence would only set you up for disaster. But when you meet someone who you genuinely like and who genuinely likes you back, why would you concern yourself with the details? Kiss on the first date. Say I love you when you feel it. Who cares if that takes two weeks, two months, or two years? The timeline that you create together is the timeline that is right for you.
“Trying to stifle my true feelings was only making me feel small, and since it wasn’t working anyway, I wasn’t going to play that game anymore.”
The right person won’t think you’re too much
When you’re in the depths of dating, the last thing you want to hear is that you’ll just know when the right person comes along. Like some imaginary switch will just flip, a lightbulb will go off, and all of your worries about being too much for someone will go out the window. When I met my husband, I didn’t automatically think I was going to marry the man, but I didn’t feel the need to quiet down my feelings for the sake of making him more comfortable. Maybe that came from my decision to stop making myself small, but I also think it had a lot to do with meeting someone who respected me and accepted me for who I am.
We all deserve to be in relationships where we don’t have to question if the other person is going to think we are crazy for texting back right away. We should be able to love someone with our whole being and not feel like we have to wait three months to act like it. The speed at which you enter a relationship should be the speed at which you feel the most comfortable, excited, and happy to. Not the speed at which you think it’s acceptable.
Hailey Bouche, Associate Editor
As an Associate Editor for The Everygirl, Hailey Bouche oversees, writes, and edits content across various categories on the site. From the pitching stage through publishing, she works alongside the team to ensure that the content that our readers see every day is inspiring, relatable, and timely.