"Dating and relationships can give you some of the best experiences in the world. This is especially true when you’ve found someone who really gets you—you know, the kind of person who feels hand-picked to love you for exactly who you are. But despite all the excitement and love that a relationship might provide, moving from one stage to the next with someone you’re dating can be big-time nerve-wracking. And the journey to an *official* relationship may not always be on a set and standard path. Maybe the timing isn’t right, or maybe one too many failed situationships set you on a path to focus on loving yourself and being on your own for a while. All of these reasons are valid ones to not move forward with someone, no matter how great they seem.
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As a woman in today’s society, it can sometimes feel like you’re supposed to always be interested in being in a relationship—but what if you’re not? Believe it or not, that’s perfectly OK. Ahead are some reasons why saying “thanks, but no thanks” to a relationship proposition from anyone, at any stage of the process, is not only OK but sometimes the better call.
You’re just not that into it
Maybe you went on a few dates and they were good but not, like, good. Or maybe you felt chemistry at one point but it fizzled out. Whether this happens after just a few dates or months down the line, simply not being into it is reason enough not to pursue a relationship. Be honest about your feelings, and learn from what you didn’t like so you can take it with you as you date in the future. You should never settle for “good enough,” and you don’t owe it to anyone to try to force something that isn’t there. This is your love life, after all.
You’re not ready
I like to think that I’m always ready to commit to someone else. I want a long-term relationship eventually! But so often, I’m in a time of transition or growth that makes me emotionally unavailable. Whether you’re focusing on your career, exploring what you like or don’t like in a partner, or just enjoying your solo time, you might not feel like you have the capacity to commit to a relationship. Pursuing a relationship that you’re not ready for can do a disservice to yourself and your potential partner. Be vulnerable enough with yourself and them to say “no” to moving forward, for the benefit of you both.
“You should never settle for ‘good enough,’ and you don’t owe it to anyone to try to force something that isn’t there.”
The logistics don’t work out
This might be what I scream about most while watching The Bachelor; if one of you lives in Scottsdale and one of you lives in Toronto, and neither of you wants to move, what the heck are you even doing?! Does your 5-year plan involve buying a house and starting a family and they want to travel the world before potentially, maybe, possibly one day settling down? It doesn’t sound very romantic to boil the success of relationships down to logistics, but if it’s already hard to be together given the circumstances and neither of you wants to make a sacrifice, it’s OK not to move forward.
No matter how long you’ve been dating, these kinds of opposing lifestyle goals can lead to something that might just not work out. Of course, you could fall so in love that you’ll do anything for each other, but you could (more likely) bump up against those pesky life differences and end up breaking up because of it. If you feel like these conflicts might get in the way of your relationship, even if they don’t affect you in the moment, you might be right.
You’re into it now but can see it breaking down later
There’s a big difference between wanting to be in a relationship and wanting to be in a relationship with that specific person. If you find yourself romanticizing certain characteristics for the sake of justifying flaws you don’t love (he brought me flowers that one time but we can’t hold a conversation, like at all), you might be falling into that trap. Maybe the connection is dull, and not as exciting as you’d hoped, or maybe there’s just nothing you have in common with each other. No matter how much you might want to be in a relationship, make sure you want to be in this relationship.
“You can say no to a relationship whenever you damn well please, for any reason you see fit.”
Even if they are fulfilling your needs now, there might be things that you know you won’t be able to move past, from beliefs or values to a bad habit that they might never get over. It can be easy to ignore the red-ish flags, but your future self will thank you if you just cut it off now rather than convince yourself that those characteristics will become “endearing” rather than “annoying.”
You don’t want a relationship
So maybe it seems like your life is perfectly primed to accept another person into it: your job is solid, you have a strong group of friends, and you really like the person, but you’re just not up for shaking up the life you’ve crafted. And that’s totally fine! Having a partner in your life can be wonderful, but it is a time and emotional commitment that might not be attractive to you, even if the person you’re seeing is. So if they’re looking for more commitment and you’re not, decide not to pursue a relationship—and hold to that choice, as no one deserves to be led on.
The bottom line is that you can say no to a relationship whenever you damn well please, for any reason you see fit. With that said, open and honest communication is always the best move. Make the call that’s best for you, with the care that’s best for them.