"If real life was a rom-com, your relationship would go something like this: The ultimate meet-cute would have you locking eyes and knowing in your soul that they’re The One from the first “hello.” Cut to a montage of baking together (with spilled flour all over the kitchen, obviously), sunset strolls holding hands, and maybe a tandem bicycle ride or two. You wouldn’t need any relationship advice. Sure, you might have a brief dramatic misunderstanding, but then you’ll decide once and for all that you’re totally meant for each other.
Unfortunately for us hopeless romantics, relationships tend to develop less cinematically in real life. The beginning of a relationship is tough to navigate, and it can make or break the longevity of your romance. Here are 15 key pieces of new-relationship advice to start off on the right foot (and figure out if it’s even worth sticking with).
1. Focus on the present moment
It’s natural to bring your fears and negative past experiences to a new relationship; after all, it’s a survival mechanism to prevent heartbreak. However, old fears and insecurities can also prevent you from truly at peace in a new relationship. For example, if you were cheated on in the past, don’t distrust your new partner just because of your ex’s actions. Focus on what you’re learning about your partner in this moment, now, instead of thinking too much about the past.
While the “dating history” conversation will be an important one to have with your new partner eventually, don’t rush into it. There’s no need to explain what went wrong in your last relationship on the first date or find out about their dating past before you know the names of their siblings and where they grew up. Likewise, if you’re finding yourself unable to focus because you’re fantasizing about forever just a few dates in, try to slow your roll and exist in the moment with this new person in your life. You only get the honeymoon period once, after all!
2. Talk about the future early on
While you shouldn’t obsess over what’s to come, you and your partner should focus on the future, at least somewhat. You don’t need to (and probably shouldn’t) ask how many kids they want before the salad course arrives on date #1, but you also don’t want to wait until after one year of dating to find out that they never want to get married if marriage is a non-negotiable for you. It’s not always fun to talk about things like life goals, religion, marriage, and politics, but naturally work your deal-breakers into the conversation to make sure you’re at least on the same page.
Even if you’re not talking about huge life plans early on, you should definitely communicate whether you’re looking for a long-term relationship or a casual fling as soon as possible. This will help you avoid falling into yet another situationship—been there, sister.
3. Make sure you’re attracted to the person, not the idea of a relationship
Sometimes, we want to be in a relationship so badly (dating burnout is real) that we don’t even realize we’re more attracted to the idea of a relationship than the person we’re in a relationship with. If you’re so focused on finding happily ever after, you run the risk of forcing a spark. You overlook flaws or red flags because your mind has already convinced you that this has to work. Instead, take your partner at face value—assume that they’re not “the one,” and go from there. Would you still want to hang out with them if you weren’t set on being in a committed relationship? If you enjoy their company so much that you’d want to be with them regardless, then you’re likely attracted to them, not just a relationship.
4. Don’t skip the sex talk!
This should go without saying, but if you’re not comfortable talking to your partner about sexual health (including STD testing and history), then maybe they’re not someone you should be intimate with. Discuss your likes, dislikes, and what you are (and are not) comfortable with while listening to theirs without judgment. Oh, and don’t forget that the “right time” to be intimate is different for every couple (screw the “three-date rule” or any other bullsh*t guidelines). Also, just one partner feeling ready is not enough—physical intimacy is a two-way street.
5. Meet each other’s friends
In new relationships, it can be tempting to keep it all to yourself. However, meeting friends early on is crucial for building a healthy partnership. The way you interact with each other’s crew can give insight into what the relationship will be like. If all of your partner’s friends end up being terrible people who you would never get along with, you might not know your partner as well as you think you do. Or, in a less extreme example, if your partner’s interests and activities with their friends don’t align with yours, that might be a bit of a beige flag.
Having your new partner around your friends can illuminate potential red flags. Your friends might see something that you don’t—nobody wants a case of boyfriend blindness—or your partner might not get along with them as well as you had hoped. If you both fit in seamlessly with each other’s group of friends, that establishes a mutual friendship, meaning you won’t have to choose between hanging out together or with friends when you all get along swimmingly. Then comes the fun part (setting your respective friends up, of course).
6. Don’t have important conversations over text
Texting is a modern-day blessing when it comes to regular check-ins and sending funny memes to make your partner laugh while they’re at work. However, don’t text for anything deeper than making plans or LOLing over TikToks. Discussing your feelings for each other or getting into disagreements should always be done in person. A lot can be lost in translation in writing (as a writer…trust me), and texting usually only causes more confusion when it comes to serious topics. If you feel an argument coming on, let your partner know you’ll discuss it when you can talk it through together, face-to-face.
7. Be yourself
This one sounds so cliché, I’m embarrassed to even write it. But I would have saved young, single Josie from a lot of wasted time if I had been fully myself on every first date and at the beginning of every new relationship. Since the dating market can be so brutal, you might try to be all “chill” and “cool” at the beginning. You pretend you watch horror movies instead of the Hallmark channel, and you tell them you like their artsy music even though you only listen to Taylor Swift’s first three albums on repeat. But hiding your vibrant, fangirl-y, enthusiastic self does no one any good—be honest and upfront about your likes, dislikes, and who you are. It saves you time with people who aren’t a good match, and it will also help the right person find you. A win-win!
8. Actually enjoy it
Another personal story coming at you: I can look back at the beginning of every relationship and remember all the times I worried about how my hair or makeup looked before going on dates or reading into all the little signs out of worry they didn’t like me as much as I hoped they did. But the beginning of relationships is so special: The “new-relationship bubble” has yet to pop, the honeymoon phase feels like it will last forever, and you’re smiling, like, all the time.
It’s normal to feel scared or reluctant to be vulnerable when your heart is on the line. But no matter how scary a new relationship can feel, don’t forget to enjoy it. Notice all the little moments, try new things together, and live in the now as much as possible. Remember that dating is supposed to be fun. If it’s not, either you’re seeing the wrong person, or you might not actually want to be in a relationship.
9. Don’t put too much pressure on labels
With Bumble, Tinder, and Hinge, it can be incredibly confusing where you are in a relationship (“Talking?” “Dating?” “Hooking up?” “FWB?”). If ambiguity still lingers over where you two fall on the relationship scale, don’t panic. Different people have different timelines for when they feel ready to take each relationship step, so different timelines don’t necessarily mean you’re incompatible.
However, you should have clarity about whether or not you’re both seeing other people, and you should know if you’re on the same page in terms of keeping it casual or looking for something serious. But otherwise, the “girlfriend,” “boyfriend,” or “partner” label does not necessarily mean what it did back in the day. Oh, and if you run into that awkward introducing-them-but-don’t-know-how-to-refer-to-them situation, just call them by their name. You don’t need to clarify what they are to you, and it might cause a lot more confusion if you try to guess without a conversation first.
10. Know that red flags aren’t going to go away
If you catch them in a lie, they’re rude to the waiter, or they say something mean about a friend, don’t consider it a “one-time thing.” Unfortunately, you have to assume that they’re not going to change. Red flags are gut feelings that are telling you something isn’t right. Ignoring red flags can only prolong the inevitable demise of a relationship and make the eventual breakup harder for both of you. Of course, nobody’s perfect. Both you and your partner might stumble in the early stages of a relationship. If it’s simply a judgment or mistake, you’ll be able to talk it through. However, if you’re noticing inexcusable behavior, run for the hills.
11. Intentionally spend time apart
A new relationship is incredibly exciting. So exciting, in fact, that it’s easy to get swept up in your life as a new couple and let the routines from your single life dwindle. For instance, you might see your friends less often or spend less time on your hobby. It’s a great sign that you want to be together all the time, but spending all of your time together could set you up for a relationship disaster.
Having your own social life and relationship with yourself outside of your partner is essential. No matter what, make sure you don’t lose your friends or yourself in the early stages of dating. Avoid constantly texting or calling, and try your best to act like nothing has changed when you’re with your friends. You’re not looking to merge into one unit with this person; you’re looking for someone to share your life with.
12. Stop bringing up your ex
It’s natural to compare your new partner or new relationship to your old one. Newsflash: Your new partner is not your ex (thank god!), and they don’t want to keep hearing about your ex. Sure, you’ll need to have the “dating history” chat to understand each other better, but otherwise, is it really necessary to ever bring up an ex?
No one wants to feel like they’re being measured against someone else, but it’s also destructive to compare your relationship to past experiences instead of enjoying it for what it is. If you’re finding yourself bringing up your ex constantly, it might actually be a sign that you’re not totally over them. In that case, you wouldn’t want to start your new relationship in a one-sided place, so take some time to think about why you’re talking about your ex so much.
13. Know that relationships aren’t 50/50—they’re 100/100
Some of the best relationship advice I’ve ever received is that relationships really aren’t all about compromise. Contrary to popular misconception, you can’t just contribute what you think is “your share” of the relationship. For a happy, successful, long-lasting relationship, give all that you’re capable of and expect the same in return. Of course, conflicts will arise, but you both should be 100% in the relationship. You cannot split up relationship responsibilities like you split a check on a dinner date.
14. Communicate how you feel often
The start of a relationship can lay the foundation for the future, so pay particular attention to how you talk to each other and work through problems. I know that “communication” might seem like a cliché for relationship advice, but it’s a cliché because it’s true. If you’re unsure of the right communication tools to use in your disagreements with your partner, consider consulting a couple’s therapist (there’s no such thing as too early).
Besides the overflowing designer closet on a writer’s salary, Sex and the City got one more thing wrong: Your friends should not always be your relationship sounding board. Of course, you should have a strong support system, but when you get in a disagreement with your partner, think of turning into the partnership instead of outward to fix it. Remember, it’s you two together versus the problem, not you two versus each other. Talk the disagreement through with each other instead of immediately complaining to your friends. PS: Your partner is not a mind reader, whether it comes to date nights or sex positions. Tell them what you want and create a perfect relationship instead of expecting a perfect person.
15. Remember that actions matter more than words
Labels are one thing that everyone has different opinions on, but at the end of the day, you should know how your partner feels about you. It doesn’t matter if they’re promising to take you on vacation or if they say they want to introduce you to their parents when they’re not making consistent plans, making you feel special, and showing you how they feel about you. Love is a verb, and if your partner really loves you, that love will come through in their actions. Confusion happens when actions don’t match words, so pay attention to what they’re doing instead of what they’re saying to find clarity.
