"Recently, I noticed a pattern in how I move through life: I mentally collect little stories or funny things that happen to me and file them away like souvenirs. Then, I have a little highlight reel to share with my friends the next time I see them. Initially, I thought this was a good idea. I mean, I don’t want them to miss anything! But somewhere along the way, I realized that all we do is get together to recount old memories—we hardly ever make new ones together. This, as coined by creator Jessica Lee Reynolds, is apparently called the “catch-up trap.”
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Any kind of trap sounds like a bad thing, so at first, I felt a little bad about it. But after doing some digging, I realized I’m not alone—and it’s actually quite normal. In fact, the “catch-up trap” is so common in adult friendships that you’re probably experiencing it with a few of your friends, too. But what causes it, and can we ever get out of it? Ahead, we’re breaking it all down.
What is the catch-up trap?
Reynolds posted a reel to her Instagram describing the catch-up trap as a “loop” where friends live their lives separately and sporadically “catch up” over lunch, dinner, or drinks. You do this over and over, updating each other on anything that has happened since the last time you saw each other. You discuss how your boss is finally getting rid of the slacker in the office, how your 3-year-old started sleeping through the night, or how your latest Bumble date says he doesn’t want a commitment but texts you every morning.
The problem? No new memories are created together. Your connection is maintained by sharing your highlight reel, but the day-to-day moments, adventures, and spontaneous experiences are missing. Catch-up traps can make you feel like you’re involved in each other’s lives, but really, you’re missing being fully present and connected to your friends. Tanya Hennessy considers this “friendship admin.” You have scheduled meetups and remember each other’s birthdays almost on autopilot. But your dynamic just isn’t the same as it was when you and your friends would actively participate in each other’s lives.
Why do we get stuck in catch-up traps?
Life gets complicated. Between careers, family responsibilities, side hustles, and just surviving adulting, it’s easier and more convenient to schedule a quick catch-up coffee date than a full day or weekend together. Catch-ups fit neatly into busy calendars and don’t require the planning or commitment of shared experiences. This makes sense for us; we seem to fall into this sneaky trap because it’s the easiest and most convenient route to take since every other area of our life is so full.
“I realized that I have years-long friendships where I couldn’t even remember the last time we did something spontaneous or fun together.”
One user commented on Reynolds’ reel, pointing out another important factor: “Not everyone has the time and money to do activities… Sometimes, a simple, cheap coffee with meaningful conversations can lead to amazing and enlightening experiences for both parties.” This is especially true in today’s busy and expensive world. A quick phone call or coffee date is a little bit more doable for many of us.
Beyond that, sometimes a catch-up is exactly what you need: a quiet coffee date to vent about work drama, an uninterrupted conversation about your breakup, or a low-key chat without distractions. Catch-ups are comforting—they help us feel connected even if we don’t have the time or energy for more. They’re like a warm check-in, a mini pause in the chaos. But, it goes without saying that maintaining friendships this way isn’t exactly ideal long-term.
Is it bad to get stuck in catch-up traps?
In busy or expensive seasons of life, we fall prey to catch-up traps. We assume our friends are always going to be there, so oftentimes, friendships are put on the back burner. In all honesty, it’s not because we don’t appreciate them, but it’s because we don’t think our friends will drop us just because we don’t prioritize full-blown, frequent hangouts.
“Meeting for lunches to hear about your friend’s lives rather than being in their lives feels so off.”
However, when catch-ups are the only way we connect, friendships risk becoming transactional and surface-level. We get the big picture updates but miss out on the little things—the quirks, the inside jokes, the shared silly moments that deepen bonds. Over time, this can lead to friendships feeling stale or distant. Another commenter agreed: “Meeting for lunches to hear about your friend’s lives rather than being in their lives feels so off.”
I realized that I have years-long friendships where I couldn’t even remember the last time we did something spontaneous or fun together. We hadn’t gone to concerts, taken road trips, or even just spent a weekend relaxing in the same space. We’re just “catch-up friends”—two parallel lives with a quick meeting point. Friendship is supposed to be more than exchanging bullet points; it’s supposed to be about shared memories and experiences that build layers of connection. With that said, though, catching up isn’t good or bad—what’s important is finding the balance and making an effort to connect in a meaningful way.
How to get out of a catch-up trap
Some of the most meaningful conversations happen over simple catch-ups, and there’s absolutely value in those moments of shared reflection and empathy. However, if you feel like your friendships have become a little, well, old (and not in a good way), it might be time to find some balance between actual times of connection and your quick coffee dates.
Getting out of the monotony is as simple as suggesting something new. If you always do the same thing together, try walking around the local farmers market and taste-testing your way through each booth, or planning a high school yearbook night and digging up old memories over cocktails. These low-lift activities can make a big difference in expanding your experiences together in place of (or in addition to) your catch-ups. Remember: These don’t need to cost a lot, happen every week, or look straight out of a Nancy Meyers movie as long as you’re both putting in the effort.
When life gets busy, don’t stress if you occasionally fall in and out of your catch-ups. Learning to find the balance, prioritizing quality time over quantity time, and making a consistent effort to show up for your friendships, whether it’s over the phone or in person, is what really counts here. Quality friendships don’t require perfect or constant activity; catch-ups are valuable and sometimes exactly what we need. But I’ve learned that friendships deserve space to grow beyond just updates—to include adventure, spontaneity, and shared moments that make us laugh until our cheeks hurt.
Amanda Modaragamage, Contributing Wellness Writer
Amanda is a Canadian-based freelance writer with a certificate in Multimedia Journalism from the University of Toronto. She also has an extensive background as a Primary Care Nurse, which she relies on to write compelling health and wellness content. She currently works as a Fertility Nurse and works closely with people of all ages in their family planning journey.