"I’ve always struggled with pretty severe anxiety and a deep need for control. I’ve spent years in therapy, filling my toolbox with tools to help me combat that need in real-time, with varying levels of success. The idea of not being liked used to sit on me like the weight of the world, and I’ve made numerous situations worse due to my people-pleasing tendencies—neither of which I’m proud of.
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After a particularly sticky situation with a friend that left me at a loss, I came across the “Let Them” theory, thanks to author and mindset coach Mel Robbins. The Instagram video she posted explaining the theory resonated with me instantly, and I’m not alone—the video has 1.4 million likes. Robbins branded this theory so deeply into my mind that I’ll never get it out, and it has since changed how I approach every situation in my life. So, what is the “Let Them” theory all about? I’m breaking it down and sharing how it is helping me find a happier and more centered version of myself.
What is the “Let Them” theory?
While I could paraphrase, I’ll let Robbins’ words speak for themselves. She explains the theory in its simplest form by offering a few examples. “If your friends are not inviting you out to brunch this weekend, let them,” Robbins says candidly. “If the person that you’re really attracted to is not interested in a commitment, let them.” Initially, I thought these examples seemed super self-explanatory. I mean, duh, right? Maybe in theory, but not always in practice—certainly not for me.
As Robbins sees it, too much of our time and energy is wasted on forcing others to match our expectations. Just “letting them” exist how they choose is a better response, especially in our social lives. The idea is that people will reveal their true colors to you through their behavior, and you need to let them—the real authority lies in what you choose to do about it. I was immediately interested but still pretty skeptical, so my research began. I found first-hand experiences, pitfalls, and further explanations, all of which made me lean in further.
How does the “Let Them” theory work?
Gloria Zhang, CCPA-registered psychotherapist and host of The Inner Child Podcast, noted that this theory “allows us to let go of the burden of responsibility of things outside of our control.” She goes on to say, “We cannot force people to behave in ways that they don’t want to. Therefore, trying to control or coerce will always lead to more fear, resentment, and unhappiness.” This resonated with me hard. I’ve spent so much time agonizing over my decisions and how others will respond to them that I’ve completely lost sight of what I want in the first place.
“People will reveal their true colors to you through their behavior, and you need to let them.”
Zhang adds, “By letting go of attachment to things we can’t control, we become free to focus our attention on things within our control.” She uses examples like wanting to control someone else’s texting patterns or political beliefs, two things I brought up in a conversation about the relationships in my life with my partner just the other week. Focusing on our decisions, thoughts, and trajectories gives us a larger sense of inner peace. The theory works because it’s true: You can’t control how other people act, what they do, or what they say. The only thing within your control is you.
How I’m practicing the “Let Them” theory
1. I’m detaching from my expectations—in a healthy way
I’ve been working extra hard to release myself from the mental and emotional struggle of worrying so much about the decisions of people around me. Does that mean I no longer care? Of course not. However, what my friends choose to do with their free time is not my business, just like what I do with mine is not theirs. I’ve spent endless time thinking about partners I don’t like or the moves my friends are making in their careers, and for what? That’s their partner, and it’s their career. Just because I expected something different from someone doesn’t mean their actions are wrong. It’s their life, and I need to let them live it.
I still feel myself clam up a little when my loved ones don’t confide in me, but I’m noticing the gap between my expectations of what I think they should tell me versus what information I’m entitled to. I’m also lowering the bar for myself in this regard. Just because someone in my life wants to be privy to information doesn’t mean I need to share it.
2. I’m taking personal responsibility and letting others take it, too
Call it my people-pleasing nature or nurturing reflexes, but I love to help… even when people don’t need it. There I’d be, frantically following my friends around the bar in college, making sure they didn’t drink too much, even though nobody asked. Did I save folks a lot of hangovers? Probably. Did I provide any peace for myself? Not at all. That sounds like a silly example, but it goes much deeper. I’m bad at letting people suffer consequences. Learning about the “Let Them” theory taught me that by constantly trying to swoop in and save people, I’m robbing them of the ability to grow. Of course, there are exceptions to every rule, and this isn’t to say that people don’t need help from time to time. When it comes to repeated behavior, however, people have to take responsibility for their own consequences.
I’m practicing this behind closed doors, too. I’ve only recently begun writing down in detail the vast amount of appointments and schedules I need to keep track of in one place. I’ve operated one-third on Gcal, one-third in my planner, and one-third in my head for as long as I can remember. My fianceé has an impeccable memory for dates and times, and I have gotten angry when I felt like he should have reminded me about an event or a deadline. That isn’t his job, though. It’s mine. Sure, it might have taken a few stressful nights to get through to me, but I write EVERYTHING down now. I had to take responsibility for my actions and grew because of it. The hardest part for me is letting others do the same.
“I hate feeling the obsessive need to live up to the potential others see in me, but I also need to let go of that in others.”
3. I’m letting people be themselves
I’ve learned that I need to let people be who they are and who they are not. I hate feeling the obsessive need to live up to the potential others see in me, but I also need to let go of that in others. I’ve been asking myself, with friends, my fiance, my family, my coworkers—literally everyone—whether or not I’m authentically engaged with this person as who they are or who I want them to be. If the answer is the latter, I know it’s time to self-reflect. Constantly thinking about what I wish people would do, say, or change doesn’t allow me to be present with who is right in front of me. The more I distance myself from my visions of people, the more I see people (and myself) as we are… sometimes, for better or worse.
How the “Let Them” theory has changed my relationships
Growth comes with a lot of discomfort, which isn’t a new idea. Dealing with the reality of who someone is allows me to make more knowledgeable decisions about who I am and the kind of people I want to surround myself with. The “Let Them” theory is forcing me to focus on myself, how I respond to stressors, my typical thought patterns, and the areas where I need to grow.
This mindset protects and controls my “emotional peace,” as Robbins puts it, and it also allows me to get the heck out of other people’s business. I’m far from perfect, but I feel happier and more confident than ever. My relationships are improving. I’m making mistakes and letting my loved ones make theirs. I’m releasing control over people’s opinions and decisions. And most of all, I’m letting go and accepting what is—in every area of my life.
Sydney Cox, Contributing Sex & Relationships Writer
Sydney Cox is a Chicago-based writer and intimacy coordinator who is passionate about exploring the complexities of human connections and teaching readers to advocate for themselves. Sydney’s work has been featured in various publications, where they aim to foster open and honest conversations.