"Making (and honestly, keeping) friends as an adult can feel… weird. You’re juggling a demanding job search, unpredictable schedules, and an increasingly heavy mental load no one prepared you for. It feels like somewhere along the way, the effortless social life we once had evaporated. Now, hanging out with friends requires a Google Calendar invite, six reschedules, and a level of energy we desperately wish for but don’t always have. Friendship gets so much harder with age, and for a long time, I thought this was just a personal problem. But, as it turns out, I’m not alone, and there is even a theory behind it.
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In a recent interview with Jay Shetty and again on her podcast, motivational speaker and author Mel Robbins shared a simple yet powerful explanation for why it’s so difficult to make and keep friends as adults. Her theory instantly struck a chord with me, and ever since, it has changed the way I think about relationships altogether. So ahead, I’m sharing Mel’s refreshing perspective on adult friendship, including her advice for making friends at any age, why fallouts are so common, and more.
How adulthood changes our friendships
“There is a massive shift that happens in adult friendship when you hit 20,” Robbins explains, “and no one sees this coming.” As kids and young adults, we’re constantly surrounded by people our age doing the same things at the same time. Think about it: school, sports, theatre, dorm life—you were all in the same season of life and around each other constantly. “Your entire childhood set up the conditions for friendship,” she says. Robbins explains that we “expected” friendship to happen, and she’s right.
With every transition in my life came a new group of friends, all the way through college. But eventually, that traditional structure fell apart. People move away—myself included. Life timelines scatter between engagements, children, and career changes. I’ll actually never forget the gut-wrenching feeling of watching my most active college group chat go quiet. We went from sending memes and updating each other on the most mundane parts of our lives to missing birthdays and major milestones altogether. It was heartbreaking, and I took it personally. But what actually happened is structural: The environment for friendship disappeared. Making and keeping connections isn’t so black and white as adults. In fact, according to Robbins, three essential pillars need to be aligned to have thriving adult friendships, and we have to work at them in a way we aren’t familiar with.
The essential pillars that adult friendships require
There are “three pillars of adult friendship,” according to Robbins: proximity, timing, and energy. Understanding these explains why friendships fade and change over time, as well as how to create new ones proactively. Soon after learning them, I was able to release my vice-grip on my old relationships and welcome the opportunity for new ones, which is why they are worth breaking down in their entirety.
1. Proximity
Robbins defines proximity as physical closeness. “This matters way more than you think,” she says, citing research that shows it takes 50 hours to become a casual friend and 200 to become a close friend. If you’re not around each other, it’s hard to log the time required for a real connection. When you’re no longer in school or living with friends, that kind of time together doesn’t happen by accident. “The number one predictor of friendship is how often you see people,” Robbins explains. “You have to physically be around people to become friends.” That’s why moving, switching jobs, or even just working remotely can so deeply affect your social life.
“When it comes to our friends, we have to ‘Let them live their lives. Let them change. Let them meet new friends. Let them not invite you. Let them go quiet. Let them come back.'”
I’m preparing for a major location change, and it’s weighing heavily on me that I won’t be able to pop by my friends’ houses after work or run errands with them. I don’t want something as simple as physical distance to change these friendships, but it makes sense that it would. It’s much easier to plan regular coffee dates with the person who lives a train stop away than it is to coordinate a plane ticket. Is it impossible? No. But it does create a large barrier that can seriously affect a friendship.
2. Timing
When it comes to friendships, timing is all about what season of life you’re in. “You can love someone and not be in the same season,” Robbins says. Timing determines whether your lives have natural overlap—if your priorities, schedules, and values currently align enough for regular connection. Robbins gives the example of coworkers: You might like the people you work with, but if one person is juggling three young kids and another is traveling every weekend, you may never build the connection required for any kind of deeper friendship. The same goes for long-time friends. “Sometimes, the distance isn’t emotional; it’s just the fact that your lives have diverged,” she says.
This pillar made me think deeply about a specific friendship of mine that came to a standstill pretty suddenly. There wasn’t a big falling out, and I racked my brain for months trying to figure out what I did to push her away. The truth of the matter? I didn’t do anything—our priorities simply don’t align right now. And that’s OK. Shared timing makes the connection easier. When it’s misaligned, it takes more effort, and sometimes, it just doesn’t flow the same way.
3. Energy
Energy is how it feels when you’re around someone, and often, that energy changes based on the two pillars above. “Do you feel safe, supported, and understood?” Robbins asks. “Energy is one of those things you can’t fake.” You might have the same job or live in the same building, but if the emotional vibe between you isn’t clicking, the relationship won’t thrive. There have been multiple occasions in recent years where every circumstance should have set me up for a wonderful friendship with someone… and it just didn’t happen.
Robbins emphasizes that trying to force chemistry, especially if proximity or timing is also misaligned, can absolutely backfire. “If the energy’s off, let it be off. Don’t try to twist yourself into someone else’s rhythm.” As a recovering people pleaser, this tends to be the hardest part for me. Letting a ~vibe~ be off isn’t really in my wheelhouse.
“Pay close attention to the energy that your friendships bring, and nurture the ones that make you feel seen.”
Proximity, timing, and energy were once built into our lives. Now, they have to be created with intention. And if a friendship feels strained or starts to fade, it’s often because one of these pillars has shifted. That isn’t your fault. It also isn’t theirs.
How to not take friendship fallouts personally
Let’s recall Robbins’ classic theory: “Let them.” When it comes to our friends, we have to “Let them live their lives. Let them change. Let them meet new friends. Let them not invite you. Let them go quiet. Let them come back,” Robbins explains. Friendship isn’t static, and it doesn’t have to be. Robbins compares friendship to a rubber band: Given the correct combination of the three pillars, it can always snap back into shape. This visual has made it so much easier to accept the different seasons of my friendships. They will naturally ebb and flow, and I don’t need to take the change so personally.
People scatter, life shifts, and energy changes, but it doesn’t mean anything is broken. Her advice? Be more flexible. Stop clinging. Stop assuming rejection. Accept that people come and go. More importantly, “Let me.” Reach out, check in, and match their effort—whether big or small or none at all.
Mel’s secret to creating new friendships at any stage of life
So, what do we do when we need to make new friends? According to Robbins, finding and keeping meaningful friendships as an adult starts with a mindset shift: We have to stop waiting for it to happen and start building it on purpose. This is based on her experience with meeting some of her best friends in her 50s. Small hellos turn into conversations, which turn into walking dates, group texts, and so on, until you have a circle of meaningful, close friends.
This mindset shift encourages taking action, choosing consistency over intensity, and looking for alignment in the three pillars. It means being open, patient, and willing to show up. So, be the one to say hello at your Pilates class, and do it often. Seek out people in a similar life stage as you because timing doesn’t just ease logistics; it shapes your emotional compatibility. Pay close attention to the energy that your friendships bring, and nurture the ones that make you feel seen. Most importantly, give it time. “Some of your best friends in life, you haven’t even met yet,” Robbins says.
The only certainty we all have in life is change, so instead of viewing that with resistance, embrace the opportunities that can come your way. Allow new connections to form and give them the space to grow into something real.
Sydney Cox, Contributing Sex & Relationships Writer
Sydney Cox is a Chicago-based writer and intimacy coordinator who is passionate about exploring the complexities of human connections and teaching readers to advocate for themselves. Sydney’s work has been featured in various publications, where they aim to foster open and honest conversations.