"When the demands of everyday life take over all of your attention, the last thing you might have the energy to do is connect with your partner at the end of the night. Your tank is on E, and it’s not either of your faults, but let’s face it: if you don’t prioritize your relationship, you might not have much of a relationship at all. And I don’t say that to scare you—quite the opposite actually. I say that to remind you that while you might not get many moments in a day to truly connect, the ones that you do get to really matter. We all want to reap the benefits of being in a close, loving relationship, but knowing how to connect with your significant other and finding the time to do it isn’t always as easy as it sounds.
We’ve all been there—we know we want to prioritize our relationship more but can’t even begin to know where to start. And sometimes it seems like all of the advice we get from our girlfriends involves massive routine changes or grand gestures that aren’t always attainable. If this sounds like something you can relate to, you’re not alone. But, we’ve got good news. We’ve found the one simple habit to add to your routine that can make you feel closer to your partner in a week. The golden nugget? Engaging in pillow talk before bed. Let’s get into it.
What is pillow talk?
Let’s face it, after a long day sometimes all you want to do is veg out and catch up on social media. It’s a habit we’ve all gotten too used to. To wind down at the end of the night, we turn to Instagram or TikTok for some lighthearted content that takes our minds off of the stressors of the day. While I think mindless scrolling does have its time and place, I’m a firm believer that doing that in bed right before going to sleep is not that.
Pillow talk offers an alternative to scrolling. It means that you and your partner put your phones aside (or in a different room altogether) and spend time intentionally chatting with one another. The key word here is intentional. You’re making the conscious choice to prioritize your partner over your phone, giving one another a space to share whatever’s on your mind, and choosing to be open and vulnerable with one another. To put it simply, pillow talk is an intimate conversation that takes place between lovers while in bed. It’s during this time that a couple can share an intimacy they don’t have with anyone else. When done right, it’s an opportunity to be your authentic self without judgment. And the best part? It doesn’t have to take much time at all. Start with just a few minutes and let the conversation continue naturally from there.
How do you do it?
The beauty of pillow talk is that it’s customizable to the couple doing it and can change from night to night. However, experts suggest keeping the topics lighthearted but emotionally driven (AKA, having the goal of getting closer to your person). Save the heavy topics for the dinner table. These chats can be comparable to the beginning of the relationship when you’re still learning about your new partner. Use this time to share and learn something new, even if you’ve got years together under your belt. If you’ve had a particularly heavy day, sharing some giggles with your person might be just what you need to reset.
No matter what you’re looking for, pillow talk can be for any couple. Here are a few ideas on how to get started:
- Pick a topic and discuss your favorites—season of the year, where you’d travel to if you could go anywhere, best movie of all time, etc.
- List 3 things you’re grateful for from the day or week
- Make up stories for one another
- Try an ‘ABC convo’—one person begins with a sentence that starts with the letter ‘A,’ and the other must add to it with a sentence that begins with ‘B.’ You’ll go back and forth until you reach the end of the alphabet and it will get more ridiculous and goofy with each passing letter.
What are the benefits?
As “connected” as we are with the world thanks to social media, spending so much time on our devices can leave us feeling extra disconnected from our partners. Engaging in pillow talk throughout your week is a great way to reconnect with your significant other, and perhaps learn something new about them, no matter how long you’ve been together. It’s no secret that intentionally spending time with one another without outside distractions can foster a closeness that you may not otherwise experience. Pillow talk is a great way to prioritize your partner and your relationships. Once you get in the habit of spending quality time together before bed, you’ll begin to look forward to this uninterrupted couples time and likely grow closer than you’ve felt in a long time.
Couples that have implemented pillow talk into their weekly routine have seen positive changes within a week. Studies show that engaging in pillow talk increases oxytocin in the brain, also known as the bonding hormone. This allows couples to feel closer emotionally, feel more connected to their partner because they’ve started to learn more about them, and increase the desire for physical intimacy. While the goal of pillow talk isn’t necessarily sex, it can be a welcomed result. Sounds like a win all around if you ask me.
Other habits to consider
I can’t think of a better opportunity to intentionally spend quality time with your partner than right before bed. What better way to unwind from the stressors of the day than by engaging in some lighthearted banter with your partner? If you want to take your pillow talk game a step further, consider making these simple changes and see how much closer you can feel to your partner in no time.
- Charge your phones in a different room overnight
- Take the TV out of your bedroom
- Download the app “Card Decks” by Gotten Institute for fun questions to discuss together