The #1 Lesson I’ve Learned Dating as a Plus-Size Woman

The very first article I wrote for The Everygirl was about plus-size dating. We’ve come a long way since then, but I still think back to that very article constantly. See, I have a bit of a tumultuous experience with dating. I self-sabotage, I push away, I get too attached, I don’t get attached at all — I’m kind of a trainwreck on the dating front. However, as a plus-size woman, I often feel like I’ll have a “harder time” finding someone.

 

As a plus-size woman, I often feel like I’ll have a ‘harder time’ finding someone.

 

Every time I hop on a dating app, I get excited for the first 10 minutes. I’m getting matches left and right; I’m feeling good. Then, it all goes to sh*t. No one responds, and my confidence goes out the window. I get myself in a cycle of feeling like no one will ever like me because I’m plus-size. My body type “isn’t ideal.” Men aren’t attracted to me; if I meet someone who is, I better run with it, because he’s one of the very few people I’m going to find. 

When I go out to bars with my friends, they never have a problem meeting guys or getting someone to talk to them. I always feel like the “fat friend” who just stands there while my friends get attention. For a long time, I would get really upset and come home and cry to myself because I wanted the attention and praise they got. Now, I’ve come to expect it. 

Instead of welcoming you to my pity party (hi, hello), I’m here to explain exactly why this line of thinking is wrong. Being plus-size doesn’t affect my “chances” of finding love because being plus-size isn’t something that makes me undesirable. The idea of having extra fat on my body doesn’t have to be a dealbreaker for every person. Like anything, everyone’s appearance is different and unique and what I might think is hot (tall, goofy dudes with blonde hair and blue eyes seem to be my thing) isn’t what everyone else wants, and that’s OK. Being plus-size doesn’t affect my odds because my beauty, both inner and outer, isn’t up for discussion. If we all looked the same, we’d get pretty bored, right? 

 

Being plus-size doesn’t affect my ‘chances’ of finding love because being plus-size isn’t something that makes me undesirable.

 

Plus-size women can find love just as easily as anyone else; there isn’t a scale. Being plus-size is just an aspect of me; it’s part of my package rather than being a “bad habit” I have to overcome. 

Plus-size women often can feel like they don’t deserve love or aren’t deserving of traditional ideas of romance (such as a partner buying you flowers or taking you to a nice dinner), and I’ve been there too. I’ve put myself in the mindset that my body makes me undesirable and that someone liking me or being attracted to me is a matter of luck. I’d meet someone and tell myself that I have to make it work because there are “only so many” people out there who are attracted to me. 

So, how do we get to a place of feeling like we deserve it? Of course, confidence, but more specifically, understanding that your worth and your value isn’t entirely based on your appearance. How many times have you met a super gorgeous person who is a complete and total jacka*s? On the contrary, I’ve also met people who aren’t my type but completely captivate me and change my mind.

 

So, how do we get to a place of feeling like we deserve it? Of course, confidence, but more specifically, understanding that your worth and your value isn’t entirely based on your appearance.

 

Our outward appearance is just one piece of the puzzle that culminates our overall attraction on people, and we are doing a disservice to ourselves and others to assume that just because we carry extra weight in our stomachs or because we wear a double-digit size of jeans, we’ll never find love or romance. 

So, the next time I’m on a dating app, I refuse to pretend that I’m any different from any of the other girls on there. I won’t match with guys who are only halfway decent because I think I “have a chance.” I won’t talk to lame guys for days on end because they give me attention. I won’t ignore my instincts because I “can’t get anyone else.” Heck, I can get anyone I want.

 

  • Denise Blust Vermillion

    It took me until last year to figure this out – I’ll be 55 in a few weeks. I can’t quite pinpoint when the shift in my thinking happened, but I just got to a point of “I’m an amazing woman and if someone doesn’t think so, then thank you, next”. I spent a lot of time talking to men that did not appreciate me, and I was just done. Then I met not one, but two, amazing men (both slim and 6’4″ so I have a type as well lol), and became polyamorous. They love me for me, I love them for what they each offer to me and contribute to my life. I’m so damn happy that I just glow.

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