"If you’ve ever found yourself fantasizing about being dominated or dominating someone else in the bedroom, or if you often find yourself gravitating toward spicy books with the dynamic, you’re definitely not alone. While it can sometimes feel shameful to talk about, power play is incredibly popular and a massive part of the kink community. Mainstream narratives tend to equate dominance with control and submission with passivity, but the reality of power play—and how it can switch—is far more nuanced.
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Whether you’re experienced with power play or just dipping your toes into the water that is kink, we’re explaining what it means to be engaged in this kind of sexual relationship—and the reasons why some people gravitate toward dominant, submissive, or switch. Ahead, the low-down on power play, an explanation of the roles, and, of course, how to start exploring with your partner.
What is power play?
Power play is a type of sexual kink that involves one person taking on a more controlling role—the dominant—while the other partner surrenders control—the submissive. It’s most commonly known as a form of BDSM (Bondage, Dominance, Sadism, and Masochism), which is something that would have immediately scared me not too long ago. My first ever exposure to the world of BDSM was through Fifty Shades of Grey…and I hated it. It took me until well into my adulthood to realize that Christian Grey wasn’t the elite example of kink and that power play could exist without having to include the other elements of BDSM. These roles can be physical through restraint or spanking, verbal through commands or praise, or purely psychological through the dynamic itself. They can also work with a combination of any of the above—it’s really up to you.
Sex therapist Marissa Nelson, LMFT, explains in an interview with Glamour that “some couples really love being able to let go and allow themselves to be submissive or dominant during lovemaking, and that dynamic becomes extremely arousing and erotic to them.” As it turns out, this kink is incredibly popular, with BDSM, dominance and submission, and role play taking the top three spots for most common kinks, according to experts. This is just further proof that we shouldn’t feel ashamed for exploring our desires or interests, but instead empowered to figure out what turns us on. After all, the key to better sex is in the knowledge of what works for us—and what doesn’t.
What are the roles of power play?
The Submissive
A sub, short for submissive, is the partner who takes on a more yielding role in a consensual power-play dynamic. But make no mistake—being submissive doesn’t mean being passive. In fact, many sex educators emphasize that the sub is the one actually in control of the power play experience. For many, submission is about the thrill of complete surrender—whether that means following a dominant partner’s commands or allowing some hair-pulling and rough treatment is up to you.
Certified sexologist, Denise Renye, explains that “submissives have the agency to set limits, express preferences, and communicate their desires to their dominant partners… they hold the power to stop or modify activities at any time by employing safe words or non-verbal cues”, ensuring their physical and emotional well-being are prioritized.” Ultimately, submission during sex isn’t just about giving up power. It’s about choosing how and when to surrender it, all within a framework of trust, consent, and clearly communicated boundaries.
“Submission during sex isn’t just about giving up power. It’s about choosing how and when to surrender it.”
The Dominant
A Dom, short for dominant, assumes the leading role in a consensual power exchange, directing the experience and establishing the overall dynamic. They take responsibility for guiding their partner through the power play experience, acting within boundaries, and ensuring mutual pleasure within agreed-upon limits. While dominance is sometimes portrayed as aggressive—hi, Christian—it can actually take many different forms. Some dominant-leaning people might enjoy commands and rough play with their partner, while others may take a more nurturing and protective approach.
The misconception of the dominant role lies in the idea that it equals selfishness. Honestly, I used to think this, too. I couldn’t imagine giving up control to someone in such a volatile state, but in reality, the best dominants prioritize their partner’s pleasure just as much as, if not more than, their own. Renye explains, “Being a dom involves an immense amount of responsibility, respect, and communication to create a safe and fulfilling experience for all parties involved.”
The Switch
You might be a switch if both dominance and submission appeal to you—depending on the day, the partner, or the mood. Even if you tend to lean more one way than another, switching allows for variety and experimentation in the bedroom, and it’s pretty standard. In fact, Psychologist Dr. Lisa Diamond’s research on sexual fluidity suggests that many people’s desires shift over time, so if you feel like your preferences change, that’s completely normal. If you have a consistent and open dialogue with your partner, anything is fair game. I’ve certainly felt my urges change based on anything from my mood to my season of life—and everything in between. Knowing that freedom is there to change my mind makes it easier to experiment and change my boundaries if necessary.
How to start experimenting with power play
Talk it out
Before jumping into anything new, have an open, honest conversation with your partner. What turns you on? Do you have any hard limits or things you absolutely won’t do? What do you want to try? Being totally open with your partner about your desires will help you have a more fulfilling experience overall. Even creating a pen-to-paper list can help identify what sounds good in theory versus what you may be willing to try in practice. As an intimacy coordinator, I find that having people write out proposed intimacy keeps them acutely aware of what that might actually feel like in their bodies and helps identify individual boundaries.
“The best dominants prioritize their partner’s pleasure just as much as, if not more than, their own.”
Establish and reinforce boundaries
Sexual boundaries are crucial. They give you the freedom to experiment as much or as little as you want. The key is to experiment within a safe set of limits, especially when it comes to power play. Make a list of what excites you, what makes you nervous, and what’s off-limits. From here, you can operate from a container of pre-determined choices that you know won’t cross a line.
Determine a safe word
Even when boundaries are established, things can feel different in real time. A safe word is a nonsexual word or phrase that instantly stops all activity if anything becomes too intense. Choose something you wouldn’t typically say, or opt for the traffic light system—red, yellow, green, for each new action. Knowing that both partners have the agency to cease the activity allows for more unrestrained exploration on both sides.
Prioritize and pre-plan for aftercare
Sexual aftercare encompasses the actions you take immediately post-sex to ensure the well-being of both partners. What constitutes aftercare might look different for everyone, but it should prioritize your emotional, physical, and psychological needs. Some prefer cuddling or watching a movie, while others like cooking or reading together. Practicing aftercare can enhance feelings of security after sex, as it is a continuation of activities that enable you to feel close and connected. It also helps you regulate your body and mind as the endorphins and oxytocin dissipate.
Should you try power play?
If your interest is piqued and you’re wondering whether or not you should try power play in the bedroom, know this: There’s no “right” way to do it. However, it’s important to consider your comfort level, curiosity, and ability to communicate openly with your partner. After all, consent is key. With that said, if you can’t stop fantasizing about it, don’t feel ashamed to bring it up with your partner. Alternatively, if your partner brings it up, and you’re not interested or it still makes you nervous, be honest about that.
Sex and pleasure are incredibly unique to each person, so you won’t know what you like (and what you don’t) until you try. Start slow, take what you like, and leave the rest. When it comes to making sure experiences with power play are fun, fulfilling, and connected, zero in on each other and follow the steps above for a safe (and sexy) experience.
Sydney Cox, Contributing Sex & Relationships Writer
Sydney Cox is a Chicago-based writer and intimacy coordinator who is passionate about exploring the complexities of human connections and teaching readers to advocate for themselves. Sydney’s work has been featured in various publications, where they aim to foster open and honest conversations.