"By the ripe old age of 23, I had become completely disinterested in sex of any kind. Having it, giving it, participating in it—sex had become a task I dreaded partaking in with my husband. And it was one I certainly wasn’t doing on my own.
The stigma and shame of my low libido had me spiraling into confusion, frustration, shame, and guilt. I love my husband beyond measure, and he’s always been very enthusiastic and generous in the bedroom, so what was my problem? For the first few years of our relationship, we were two flames drawn toward one another. Our shared sexual energy was truly fiery. But somewhere along the line, so gradually that I didn’t fully notice until it was staring us coldly in the face, my flame of desire burnt out while my husband’s continued blazing.
Thankfully, and quite unexpectedly, a surprising hobby reinvigorated my sex drive: reading smut. To help give any other low-libido gals a unique solution to stoking their dormant desire, I’m getting candid about how smut books changed my life and relationship for the better.
How my low libido affected my relationship
Now 28, I often look back on the years we struggled with intimacy. I still can’t put a finger on what caused me to go from adventurous and passionate to closed off and dried up. There was never any glaring incident, nothing either my husband or I can point to and say, “That’s the moment when the switch flipped.” I just no longer felt the need for sexual fulfillment.
It was extremely difficult to reconcile my nonexistent libido and my husband’s raging need for more physical connection. Our relationship endured the strain of that disconnection for several years. While we were still having leg-shaking sex every once in a blue moon, it had more often become an activity I unenthusiastically completed by laying back and letting it happen to me rather than actively engaging in and intimately connecting with my husband. This not only broke his heart and impacted his self-confidence but also incited my own self-loathing.
I was undeniably attracted to him, but I was making him feel undesirable, needy, and gross due to the way I had become guarded, insecure, and wary of anything involving intimate physicality—with no solid explanation for why that had become the way I felt. Why couldn’t I let go and get back to the sexually fulfilled place that once made me feel so empowered? It took years of struggling to connect on a physical level in the way we once did. But when I returned to my lifelong love for reading, the switch that had been off for so long finally flipped back on.
What led me to smut books
While I was working toward my undergraduate degree, I abandoned the hobby that brought me insurmountable joy as a kid and teen: getting lost in an all-consuming fiction novel. I just couldn’t summon the mental energy to read for pleasure on top of the never-ending list of assigned readings that comes with being a college student and an English major to boot.
But when I finally rediscovered my comfort hobby, I made my way back to the romance novels I used to swoon for as a teen. Back then, I was mostly reading YA, so when I began my first proper adult romance, I didn’t fully expect the level of detail paid to the sexual chemistry between the characters. More importantly, I didn’t expect reading deliciously graphic sex scenes amidst a gut-wrenching tale of two people falling in love to do so much for me and my dormant libido.
By the time I closed that first book at 3 in the morning, I was feeling hot and bothered for the first time in a long time. I was so distractingly turned on that I took it upon myself to wake my husband in the middle of the night for some relief. (It was a delightfully unexpected turn of events for him.) Thus began my rabbit hole search for the most emotionally searing, libido-blazing books I could find. Where does one begin that search, you ask? Why BookTok, of course.
The app’s algorithm ushered me into its wonderful, vibrant, and empowering book community. Dubbed “BookTok” by the millions of “book besties” who gather online to rant, rave, and regale about novels with swoon-worthy characters and panty-incinerating sex scenes, I had wandered into a virtual Narnia of sexual celebration and liberation. Smut, spice, erotica, porn—whatever you want to label it. I started lapping it up alongside every other reader engaging with the resurging romance genre.
As a byproduct of consuming so much steamy literature, I started feeling more open, confident, and curious when it came to my own sex life.
How smut reinvigorated my sex life (and my marriage)
The more romance novels I flew through, the more I realized how much I had pushed my husband away. The more stories I read that tugged at my heart, sent flutters through my belly, and had heat searing further south, the more I wanted to bring that molten feeling back into my marriage. I realized that I desperately missed feeling that all-encompassing connection with my husband.
For the first time in years, I was reading books cover-to-cover at an insatiable pace. As a byproduct of consuming so much steamy literature, I started feeling more open, confident, and curious when it came to my own sex life. Discovering the romance genre and BookTok community liberated a part of me I had lost the ability to connect with. The more I fell in love with characters who were falling in love, the more I wanted to bring that ooey-gooey feeling back to my relationship. I wanted to replicate not only the burning passion but also the mindblowing sex with my husband. Taking the initiative to reignite our physical intimacy was a key piece of that puzzle.
While I was being a bit coy about why I was suddenly horny at all hours, it didn’t take much for my husband to deduce that my ravenous appetite for romance novels was the source of my reinvigorated libido. He didn’t shame me, didn’t make fun of me, didn’t make me feel stupid for being so moved by the stories I was reading that they were driving me to rediscover that fire with him. In fact, he loves that smut has helped me communicate what I like or want to try during sex. He also loves that it’s helped me feel more playful and present in the moment, that it’s served as inspiration for different ways we can get intimate, and that it’s brought us closer not just physically but also emotionally.
Final thoughts
BookTok and romance novels truly revolutionized my relationship with sex and intimacy. They rekindled the flame in my relationship, gave me community, and provided an outlet for unplugging from life when reality starts hitting too hard. Though there are other things I now regularly plug in if you catch my drift.
I offer you the humbling tale of my sexual reawakening because it’s my hope, fellow Everygirl, that if you’re feeling as lost and defeated as I was, this just might kickstart your journey of rediscovery. If you want your partner to start doing the ovary-tingling book boyfriend doorframe lean and cheekily calling you “good girl,” amongst other more jaw-dropping acts that are far less suitable for polite conversation, just walk through those virtual wardrobe doors to smutty Narnia. BookTok and all its spicy smut glory is just an app download away.
The best smut books I’ve read
When Lennix Moon Hunter and Maxim Cade meet at an oil pipeline protest, they both feel an instant connection. But the possibility of a romance is squashed due to an insurmountable age gap and the fact that Maxim’s dad owns the pipeline Lennix and her indigenous community are vehemently against. When the pair unexpectedly reunite 10 years later, Lennix is hell-bent on avoiding Maxim at all costs, while Maxim has never let go of his determination to win Lennix over. In the face of lofty career aspirations that set the two at odds, as well as a contentious political environment in which they have to work together, Lennix and Maxim must decide if their undeniable connection is worth fighting for.
The final installment of Anna Huang’s Twisted series follows timid lifestyle influencer Stella Alonso and domineering billionaire CEO Cristian Harper as they embark on a fake relationship founded on more lies than Stella knows. Christian is as cutthroat and morally gray as they come, but he can’t deny the weak spot he has for the anxious introvert. With a checklist of career goals, Stella has no interest in entertaining a relationship. But when a dangerous threat from her past forces her to move in with the cold security tycoon, both Stella and Christian are shocked to find they might actually have feelings for each other. When the twisted lies Christian is hiding are revealed, Stella’s heart and their fragile relationship just might be shattered.
When Los Angeles party girl Piper Bellinger is banished to a sleepy seaside town as punishment for her devil-may-care outlook on life, the last thing she expected was to follow in her mom’s footsteps by falling in love with a local fisherman. And when she meets wholly unimpressed sea captain Brendan Taggart, it couldn’t be more clear that the grumpy-albeit-hot local thinks she’ll be hoofing it out of Westport faster than she can snap a selfie. But the more the two run into each other in the small town, the less their stark differences seem to matter in the face of an unexpectedly undeniable attraction—and the less Piper’s glamorous but shallow life in LA seems to matter.
In the fourth book in Lauren Asher’s Dirty Air series, rising Formula 1 star Santiago Alatorre makes a mistake on track that dramatically alters the course of his prestigious motor racing career. After suffering a life-altering injury, Santiago becomes a recluse, hiding away from the glamorous world he once ruled. The last thing the former driver expects or wants is Chloe Carter falling into his life, but she does just that while traveling overseas to find her birth dad. As Chloe works to overcome the darkness of her past, she adds much-needed brightness to Santi’s world, and together, they just might be able to find the redemption they’re both looking for.
Alexis Montgomery and Daniel Grant come from two totally different worlds. Alexis is a hard-working ER doctor who hails from an ultra-wealthy medical dynasty, and Daniel is a small-town carpenter who happens to be a decade younger than the sophisticated city girl. But when a broken-down car, a shabby dive bar, and a spontaneous bet lead to an unexpected night together, the pair is shocked to find that their chemistry is overwhelming. Though Alexis knows she can’t bring Daniel into her cutthroat world full of expectation and legacy, she can’t deny the joy Daniel brings to her life. It’s up to Alexis to choose her world or his.