"As far as we’re concerned, your sexual relationship with your partner should be nothing short of fireworks every single time. It stands to reason that if you click with someone romantically, surely you’d click with them sexually, right? Wrong. It’s possible to have sparks fly everywhere but the bedroom—a sign that you’re dealing with sexual incompatibility.
But what does it really mean to be sexually incompatible with your partner, and what happens if you two just can’t seem to match each other’s freaks? We turned to the sex and relationships experts for their insight. Ahead, what it means to be sexually incompatible with your partner, whether it means your relationship is doomed, signs of sexual incompatibility, and how to overcome a chemistry mismatch.
Angie Rowntree
Angie Rowntree is the founder and director of Sssh.com, an award-winning ethical porn website made for women and couples. Rowntree’s female-led and female-focused content pushes boundaries as its purpose is to help women and couples alike explore pleasure that stimulates both the mind and the body. She was inducted into the Adult Video News Hall of Fame and has been profiled by a variety of major media outlets, including ABC’s Nightline, CNBC, Fox, Cosmopolitan, NPR, BBC, and TIME magazine.
Marla Renee Stewart, MA
Marla Renee Stewart, MA, is an award-winning certified Sexologist and Sexual Strategist, Intimacy and Relationship Coach, and educator with over 20 years of experience studying human sexuality. She is the owner of Velvet Lips, a sexuality education company, Co-Founder of the Sex Down South Conference, a faculty member at Clayton State University, where she teaches Sociology and Women’s and Gender Studies, and a sexpert for the sexual wellness brand Lovers. She co-wrote The Ultimate Guide to Seduction & Foreplay with Dr. Jessica O’Reilly, and has been featured on a variety of media outlets, including Netflix’s Trigger Warning with Killer Mike and Love & HipHop Atlanta.
What is sexual incompatibility?
Sexual incompatibility happens when one or all persons involved in a sexual experience do not find it pleasurable. Rowntree explained that this can encompass a variety of things, from not feeling sexually attracted to your partner to “irreconcilable differences” in the bedroom. This might mean having different kinks, fetishes, or fantasies, or differing opinions on foreplay and what feels good. “To be clear: Sexual incompatibility is not a reflection necessarily of other areas of your partnership or your feelings for each other,” Rowntree said. Rather, it means your needs and desires aren’t being met in the bedroom, regardless of the reason.
How to know if you’re sexually incompatible
Lack of communication
Many people have difficulty talking about sex with their partner, but Rowntree explained that icing each other out in the bedroom is often a red flag. It might suggest that you’re dealing with personal sexual issues or are scared to broach the topic for fear of getting laughed at or hurting their feelings. Whatever the reason, your partner is the one person you should be able to talk to about sex. If you’re unable or unwilling to open up to them about sex, you might be struggling with communication more broadly.
Subpar kissing
Kissing is oftentimes a gateway to intimacy, and there’s a reason for that, according to Stewart. She explained that when we kiss someone, our instincts are usually on target. So, if we like the kiss and think it’s great, the sex will most likely be great as well. But if the kissing’s subpar, chances are the sex will be as well.
Strictly platonic cuddling
“Another sign that indicates sexual compatibility is in the cuddle,” Stewart told me. While platonic cuddling can be great for building emotional intimacy with your partner, it’s a red flag if it never turns romantic. This is because romantic cuddling is often a precursor to sex. So if you’re cuddling with a partner or love interest and don’t feel like moving forward sexually, Stewart says it’s likely because you’re sexually incompatible.
Dreading or feeling anxious about sex
Occasionally feeling anxious about sex is normal—this can happen for all kinds of reasons, from past sexual trauma resurfacing to poor body image. But it’s a bad sign when dreading and feeling anxious about sex becomes the norm. Similarly, Rowntree also stressed that “consent is never a one-sided thing.” This is why sexual coercions and ultimatums, like “I’ll cook dinner if you let me tie you up,” are also major red flags. If both partners aren’t mutually enthusiastic about sex or one is recoiling from their partner’s touch, that is sexual incompatibility.
Is your relationship doomed if you’re sexually incompatible?
If you and your partner are aligned everywhere but the bedroom, don’t stress. Feeling sexually incompatible during the early stages of dating might mean you just need more time to learn each other’s bodies; it doesn’t necessarily mean you don’t click sexually. If you’re not in the beginning stages, everyone has different sexual seasons. Sex will sometimes get put on the back burner when you’re in a long-term relationship and busy with work, raising kids, or dealing with an illness or injury. This is totally normal, according to Rowntree. When this happens, you and your partner might just need a little extra time to catch up and find your footing once again in the bedroom.
How to deal with sexual incompatibility
The biggest problem with being sexually incompatible with your partner (besides not having the sex you want to be having, of course) is that it can cause the intimacy to subside. You avoid having sex because you don’t want it and avoid the topic because you don’t want to have that awkward conversation. Physical intimacy is a crucial part of a healthy relationship, and you deserve to have a satisfying sex life. If you are feeling sexually incompatible with your partner, here’s how Rowntree and Stewart recommend working through it.
Communicate about the issue
The first thing you need to do as a couple is acknowledge the obvious elephant in the room: Your sex life isn’t working. “You and your partner need to be honest with each other about your needs and how you are both meeting (or not meeting) those needs,” Rowntree said. She strongly encourages refraining from judging or hurling accusations at one another, like “You don’t care about my needs!” or “I’m not demanding, you’re just bad in bed!”
“If it’s down to you needing a different ‘technique’ to reach an orgasm, package your feedback in a supportive way,” Rowntree advised. Saying something like, “I really love when you’re on top, but the cowgirl position is the best one for me to have internal orgasms. Would you be open to doing that more regularly?” is a good example of how to start a conversation.
Seek the help of a licensed sex therapist
Sex is an incredibly complex, powerful, and emotional topic. Rowntree suggests seeking the help of a licensed sex therapist together as a couple to help with sexual incompatibility. She explained that a professional will not only help you communicate better but also suggest strategies to reconnect sexually. Furthermore, Rowntree also said that working with a sex therapist individually and with a partner can be incredibly beneficial for anyone who’s experienced any sort of sexual trauma previously.
Take a sex skills enhancement class
If there’s an area in your sex life where both you and your partner feel is strongly lacking, Stewart encourages you to take a sex skills enhancement class together. The Pleasure Chest, Babeland, and the Rosy app offer a variety of workshops that can help you get started. Taking a sex class together will help break whatever barrier is preventing you from clicking in the bedroom and in turn make the dialogue around sex easier and more manageable. Plus, you can then have fun putting what you’ve learned to the test together.
The first thing you need to do as a couple is acknowledge the obvious elephant in the room: Your sex life isn’t working.
Incorporate toys
Stewart also recommends enlisting the help of sex toys. “One consistent complaint that I’ve heard around sexual incompatibility has to do with penis length,” she told me. “If that’s the case for you, you can get a 3-Piece Penis Extension Kit that not only elongates your member but will add texture and girth.” Likewise, you can also enlist the help of a Wedge if you have trouble aligning your genitals with your partner’s comfortably, or introduce a vibrator if you can’t orgasm from penetration alone.
Let yourself relax
It’s no secret that stress seriously inhibits libido, which is why Rowntree implores you to let yourself relax. “At the very least, you need to take the immediate sense of pressure and anxiety away and allow each other some grace as you both navigate your feelings of dissatisfaction,” she explained. This might mean only discussing your sexual dissatisfaction during allotted windows to prevent yourselves from ruminating on it, enjoying a movie together, or doing small acts of service to make each other’s life easier. Letting yourself relax will help relinquish pent-up stress, which in turn will likely boost libido and make it easier to connect with your partner.
Compromise on sex
You should never compromise on experiencing pleasure, but it is important to find common ground with your partner in the bedroom. This means finding ways to meet each other in the middle to combat sexual incompatibility. Rowntree says that if your partner wants oral sex when all you really want is a massage before bed, ask yourselves how you can meet in the middle, then get creative. This might mean giving each other a sensual massage and rainchecking oral for a different day, engaging in hand or finger play, or simply choosing both.
This also applies to how you have sex. If your partner likes it fast and rough but you like it sensual and slow, find a way to compromise; you might experiment with different techniques in a single session, have quickies periodically, or engage in extensive foreplay. Experimenting and finding new ways to satisfy each other is going to make you both happier and keep your sex life fresh and spicy.
Prioritize your sex life in your relationship
They say you shouldn’t ever stop dating your partner, and Rowntree agrees. “Over time, sexual fantasies might change, bodies always change, but the sense of connection you share can deepen in beautiful ways over time if you are both open and willing,” Rowntree said. While there are different ways to put sex first, scheduling sex is by far the easiest one; it ensures you prioritize intimacy and naturally boosts libido because it gives you something to look forward to. Of course, scheduling sex doesn’t necessarily mean you have to add pressure to the situation—it just means that you make space in your busy schedules to dedicate 100 percent to each other, with no distractions.
What to do if you can’t overcome sexual incompatibility
If you’ve been trying to reconcile your sexual differences and come together in the bedroom to no avail, it might be time to reevaluate your relationship. Stewart explained that some couples are able to shift their dynamic and go forward in a way that doesn’t make sex a priority. This might mean going back to a platonic relationship or trying an open one. “There are plenty of examples of people who are great in relationships, but the sex isn’t, so they think outside the box,” she said.
Similarly, Rowntree also suggests thinking long and hard about what you want moving forward. “Some couples can be content with little-to-no sex life,” she told me. “However, more often than not, if the sexual attraction and bond aren’t there anymore and you absolutely cannot salvage things, in the best-case scenario you can both be honest, part amicably, and move on to happier, hornier pastures.” Life is too short to suffer through subpar sex and stay with someone you’ll forever be at odds with in bed.