So you met someone, and it’s going pretty well. You’ve been on a few dates, you’re texting every day, and all signs are pointing to this turning into something… eventually. Or maybe you’ve been dating someone for so long that your relationship is comfortable, but you have that nagging feeling that creeps in the back of your mind: Am I forcing this relationship, or is this just what relationships take?
We’ve all stayed with people we know aren’t right for us. We stay because it’s easier than being alone, we “should” like the other person, or we’re worried there won’t be anyone else. Maybe this person checks all the boxes, but there’s just something missing. You know the breakup cliché “It’s not you; it’s me?” Well, sometimes, it’s not you, but it’s not me either; it’s the “us” that doesn’t work.
While every partnership requires effort, there’s a difference between working through challenges and trying to make something fit that simply isn’t right. If you’re constantly questioning your connection, ignoring relationship red flags, or feeling emotionally drained, it may be a sign the relationship isn’t aligned with your needs. Ahead, we’re sharing the biggest signs you’re forcing a relationship and how to know when it’s time to move on, with the help of expert insight.
Dr. Sabrina Romanoff
Dr. Sabrina Romanoff, PsyD, is a relationship expert at Hily Dating App and a Harvard-trained clinical psychologist. Based in New York City, she specializes in helping individuals and couples navigate anxiety, trauma, and the complexities of modern dating. Her work focuses on building healthier connections, managing relationship stress, and fostering more fulfilling romantic lives.
What’s the difference between working on a relationship and forcing one?
Every healthy relationship requires effort, but there’s a difference between working through normal challenges and forcing a relationship. As relationship expert Dr. Sabrina Romanoff explains, the key difference comes down to intent and reciprocity. “It’s essential to put your absolute best foot forward, and then adjust accordingly based on how they are treating you and meeting your needs in turn,” she explains. This might mean “being flexible, giving [each other] the benefit of the doubt, assuming positive intent, and giving [each other] the grace of a second chance—not necessarily a third, fourth, or fifth,” she adds.
On the other hand, a relationship may be forced if you’re consistently doing all the emotional heavy lifting or overlooking a pattern of unmet needs. “Forcing a relationship might mean repeatedly ignoring or pushing past their persistent pattern of refusing to meet your needs or rejecting your boundaries because you’re still banking on their potential to show up,” Romanoff explains. Healthy relationships involve mutual effort, growth, and respect—not one person carrying the relationship in the hope that things will eventually change.
20 signs you’re forcing a relationship
1. You want a relationship more than you want the person
If you have been hoping for a relationship for a long time, feel pressure to be coupled up, or are sick of feeling lonely, you may be more in love with the idea of a relationship than with this person. To decipher between wanting the person or wanting the relationship, think about whether or not you’d be friends with this person. Would you want to be around them, even if it was platonic or a relationship was not an option? What if this person never wanted to get married or lived across the country? Would you still want to be with them, or would you move on to someone more convenient? If you’re only with this person due to convenient circumstances or wanting a relationship, odds are, you’re more in love with being in a relationship than with the person.
2. You’re self-conscious around them
Spark or not, if you’re with someone who causes you to overthink your words and actions, stifles you, or makes you feel like you have to censor yourself, it is not a true partnership. Even if there is “a spark,” it’s chemistry between your significant other and a censored version of you; why would you even want that spark anyway? If the relationship disregards a person’s feelings and is dependent on you walking on eggshells to make it work, it’s not worth wasting your time on.
3. The relationship doesn’t recover from arguments
Compatibility and relationship success do not depend on whether or not you disagree but instead on how you recover from disagreements. No matter who your perfect match is, they won’t be a robot (just a wild guess!), so remember that both of you will make mistakes, bad days will come, and arguments will happen.
Pay attention to how your significant other reacts to those times. Read: What is the conflict resolution style? Do they listen to you, communicate effectively, and never make the same mistake twice? Do you both care more about the relationship than about being right? Or do you struggle with communication, hold onto resentment, and feel like every fight could be the end of the relationship? If your closeness doesn’t bounce back after arguments, you might be forcing the connection.
4. Your PDA is more affectionate than in private
Every person and every relationship is different. Maybe you think it’s cheesy to post anniversaries on Instagram and get embarrassed kissing in front of your friends, or maybe you want the world to know how happy you are. No shame either way, but you both should have just as many (or more) private displays of affection as you do public. If the spark is there, you probably display affection by mere accident instead of overt PDA: exchanging smirks across the room, holding hands under the table, or telling them how much you love them as you get ready for bed at night. On the other hand, if your affection is more public than private (for either or both of you), your relationship might be more about proving something than how you feel internally.
5. You’re hoping some things about them will change
If you catch yourself thinking, “This person would be perfect if only [insert thing here] or we’ll have a great relationship once they [insert change here],” you’re trying to force the spark. It is perfectly normal to have these thoughts, but they may indicate deeper issues. And forced sparks will never last. You don’t always need to have the same values, beliefs, and attitudes, but you at least have to understand, respect, and appreciate your differences. You should not have to change them to love them.
6. You don’t trust them
Of course, questioning their loyalty is the biggest red flag (your intuition is always right). If you don’t trust them to stay faithful, they are definitely not the one. But I’m also talking about trusting them in other ways. If they’re someone worth being with, you’ll trust their opinions, value their input, and believe in who they are. You have faith in their honesty and don’t question their integrity. They call when they say they will and make you feel safe when you’re apart. Significant signs of trust issues can indicate deeper problems in the relationship.
READ: “I Chose to Stay After He Cheated”: 15 Women Share Their Cheating Stories
7. You have to pretend to be interested, or vice versa
You and your partner probably have many different interests. In fact, you should, because dating another you would be boring AF. No, you may not always be interested in their passion or unique hobbies, but you should want to learn more because you know how much it matters to them and you genuinely want to be able to share what they love. On the other hand, you shouldn’t have to pretend you don’t love to listen to Broadway soundtracks in the car or feel like you can never talk about the latest fashion trends because you know your partner won’t care. They should want to love everything you love and talk about everything you want to. If their eyes glaze over when you talk about your day or you don’t care to ask about their newest hobby, the spark might not be there.
“Just because you can picture a life together does not always mean it’s right for you.”
8. You can picture a life with them, but it doesn’t excite you
Just because you can picture a life together does not always mean it’s right for you. When you think about what a relationship, having a home, starting a family, or growing old with this person would be like, is it the fantasy that’s more exciting or actually doing it all with them? Not to be cliché and quote When Harry Met Sally, but “when you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible.”
If the relationship is right, you’ll look forward to every next step and see yourselves happily together at 80 years old. If you’re forcing it, you won’t be excited about a life with them, or you’ll be more excited about the big life events (a wedding, buying a house, or having babies) and won’t be able to picture just the two of you together, 50 years from now.
9. You don’t have a good friendship or emotional connection
If you’re not laughing, joking, and enjoying even unromantic time together (like running errands, cleaning the house, or walking the dog), your “spark” might just be an illusion based on physical chemistry or relationship newness. It’s likely not a lasting connection. If you’re going to spend your life with someone, it better be the best friendship you’ve ever had. Your partner should bring out your silliest self because that’s how you know they’re going to keep you laughing when things get tough, boring, or mundane. Now that’s a spark.
READ: Is Friendship the Best Foundation for Romantic Relationships?
10. You only feel good about them in certain environments
Maybe you have fun hanging out with their nieces and nephews, but you’re constantly cringing when your partner is around your family because they don’t fit in, making you wonder if you are with the wrong person. Or perhaps you think you love them during date nights but can’t stand being around them on Sunday morning when you’re lounging at home.
Rather than get distracted by the times you do feel good about them, focus on the times when you don’t. Love is inconvenience; it’s caring about something when it’s not easy to do so. If your feelings for them are strong in some environments but missing in others, the chemistry you think you have is just an illusion based on external factors.
11. You don’t feel safe or respected
We often confuse love with a lot of other emotions. Comfort, addiction, and infatuation are the common ones that often get misidentified. While love can feel addicting, the difference between actual addiction and just addiction-like qualities of love is that with healthy love, there’s also respect, trust, and commitment. If you’re just addicted to a person, it will feel more like attaining “highs” at any cost.
Likewise, the difference between a comfortable love and a love for the sake of comfort is the feeling of safety. With a comfortable love, you’ll feel safety and trust no matter what. If you’re in a relationship for the sake of comfort, you’ll feel uncomfortable whenever you’re not with them, out of a lack of trust in them or the relationship. Realize what love feels like, and don’t mistake it for anything else.
12. You’re not on the same page
We put confusing definitions and stories around what “chemistry” really means, but the truth is that having a true connection just means being on the same page: in humor, in intimacy, in values, and in what you want out of the relationship. If there is a genuine spark, one that will last when the newness fades, you won’t have to question whether or not it’s there because you’ll both just know. A soulmate, the one, or even just someone worth spending time with, will never feel forced. Even when the relationship feels difficult (because it will), loving each other never will be. So if something feels “off,” that’s because it is.
13. Communication is one-sided, and you feel unheard
A healthy relationship thrives on active listening, where both partners genuinely engage with each other’s thoughts and feelings. If you find that your conversations are one-sided, with your partner often tuning out or interrupting, it can lead to feelings of frustration and disconnection. Couples who practice active listening indeed tend to have stronger, more successful relationships. When you constantly feel unheard or ignored, it’s a significant sign that your partner is not on the same page as you. In successful relationships, both partners should feel valued and understood, not just one.
“Even when the relationship feels difficult, loving each other never will be, so if something feels ‘off,’ that’s because it is.”
14. There’s a lack of deep emotional connection
Emotional intimacy is the bedrock of any romantic relationship, allowing partners to feel seen, heard, and understood on a profound level. Without this deep emotional connection, you might start feeling isolated and disconnected from your partner. Studies indicate that couples who prioritize emotional intimacy tend to have more fulfilling and meaningful connections. If you often feel like you’re not connecting with your partner beyond surface-level interactions, it’s a clear sign that your relationship is lacking in emotional intimacy. A meaningful connection goes beyond physical intimacy; it’s about sharing your innermost thoughts and feelings.
15. Your core beliefs and goals don’t align
Shared values and goals are the cornerstone of a successful relationship, providing a foundation for mutual understanding and support. When your core beliefs and goals don’t align, it can create ongoing tension and conflict. Research shows that couples who share similar values and goals tend to have stronger, more resilient relationships. If you find yourself constantly disagreeing with your partner on fundamental issues, it’s a significant sign that your values and goals are not compatible. Successful relationships are built on a shared vision for the future, and without that, it’s challenging to move forward together.
16. You’re more attached to their potential than reality
It’s easy to fall in love with the version of someone you hope they’ll become rather than the person they are today. If you find yourself constantly making excuses for their behavior, focusing on their potential, or waiting for them to finally show up differently, you may be holding onto an imagined future instead of the reality of the relationship. Romanoff explains that “over-indexing on potential tends to be highly correlated with our hope and desire to be partnered, to feel less alone, or to have that level of intimacy and connection.” While people can grow and change, a healthy relationship is built on accepting and appreciating who your partner is now and how they show up now, not just who they could become later.
17. The relationship feels exhausting
Relationships take effort, but they shouldn’t feel like a constant uphill battle. If you feel emotional burnout from repeatedly trying to communicate your needs, fix problems, or keep the connection alive, it may be a sign you’re forcing a relationship rather than building one together. A healthy partnership will still have difficult moments, but it should also bring a sense of support, comfort, and mutual effort. It should not leave you feeling depleted.
“The length of a relationship doesn’t determine its value, and staying longer won’t necessarily make a relationship become the right one”
18. Friends and family express concerns about your relationship
When you’re in a relationship, it can be difficult to see it clearly. Some not-so-great patterns in your relationship might not be as obvious to you as they are to the people who love you. If your friends or family members have expressed concerns about your relationship, try not to get frustrated with them. Instead, it’s worth taking a moment to consider why they’re speaking up.
Outside perspectives can sometimes help you notice red flags, unmet needs, or unhealthy relationship dynamics you’ve been overlooking. But with that said, Romanoff encourages you to take friends and family’s perspectives with a grain of salt. “Their perspective becomes problematic when they become overly biased and protective of you, as they are only hearing your side of the situation, and usually may hear only the negative and less of the good traits of your partner,” she explains. This is why Romanoff encourages getting a neutral third party’s perspective, like a therapist, who you trust and who will also give you hard truths.
19. You feel lighter when you’re apart
Missing someone when you’re apart is a natural part of a healthy relationship, but if you consistently feel more relief than longing when you’re away from your partner, it may be worth paying attention to. Feeling calmer, lighter, or more like yourself when you have space could be a sign that the relationship is causing more stress than support. While everyone needs alone time, a fulfilling partnership should still feel like something you’re happy to return to.
20. You’re staying because you have history
Sometimes, we stay in relationships because walking away feels like admitting that all the time, energy, and love we invested was for nothing. This is known as the sunk cost fallacy: the idea that we continue with something because of what we’ve already put into it, even when it’s no longer serving us. But the length of a relationship doesn’t determine its value, and staying longer won’t necessarily make a relationship become the right one. A healthy partnership should be worth choosing in the present, not just because of the history you share.
Why people stay in relationships that aren’t right
Leaving a relationship, even one that isn’t meeting your needs, is rarely as simple as deciding it’s over. People often stay because they’re afraid of starting over, worry they won’t find someone more compatible, or have invested significant time and emotional energy into making the relationship work. In some cases, childhood experiences or past relationships can also shape what feels familiar, making it harder to recognize when a relationship has run its course.
According to Dr. Romanoff, fear and self-worth often play a bigger role than compatibility. “People stay in relationships they know aren’t right usually because their fear prevents them from taking the risk of starting over, and they may also lack the confidence to believe they can find someone who will love them the way they need to be loved,” she explains.
That can lead people to ignore recurring patterns, hoping their partner will eventually change. “They may cling on harder and fight to be chosen when their partner repeatedly shows they’re unwilling or incapable of meeting their needs,” Romanoff says. This is why, instead of waiting for someone else to become the partner you need, it’s often healthier to recognize when your needs aren’t being met and permit yourself to walk away in search of a relationship where they’re met consistently.
What to do if your relationship feels forced
Before making any big decisions, Romaoff recommends looking inward. Consider whether you’ve been as open, communicative, and engaged as you’d like your partner to be. “Try to recognize your role in this situation and be the partner you wish to have,” she says. That might mean being more vulnerable, introducing novelty into your routine together, like with the 2-2-2 relationship rule, or having honest conversations about what each of you needs from the relationship.
If you’re still unsure, taking a step back can provide valuable perspective. “Sometimes our thinking can be clouded by emotional bias,” Romanoff explains. She recommends writing down both the positive and negative aspects of your relationship and your partner. This exercise can help you remember what you genuinely value about the relationship while also weighing whether the recurring challenges outweigh the benefits. If, after honest reflection and open communication, you find that you’re the only one putting in the work or your core needs still aren’t being met, it may be a sign that the relationship isn’t right for you and that it has run its course.
If you found this article helpful, read these next:
- Experts Say This Subtle Shift Quietly Ends Many Relationships
- Relationship Red Flags to Watch for, Based on Their Zodiac Sign
- 9 Signs a Relationship Isn’t Right, Even if Nothing Is “Wrong”
- Your Attachment Style Is Affecting Your Relationships—Here’s How to Overcome It
- 25 Questions to Ask Yourself Before Breaking Up With Your Partner
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As Assistant Managing Editor for The Everygirl, Hailey Tagliarino oversees, writes, and edits content across various categories on the site. From the pitching stage through publishing, she works alongside the team to ensure that the content that our readers see every day is inspiring, relatable, and timely.
Josie Santi, Senior Wellness Editor & Podcast Host
Josie has been an editor and writer for The Everygirl since 2017 and became a certified Holistic Health Coach in 2020. As the Senior Wellness Editor, she oversees, writes, and edits wellness content. She also reports on wellness trends (including trying many herself) and interviews leading experts to share the most research-backed information with readers. Listen to Josie on The Everygirl Podcast, where she interviews guests and hosts episodes on a variety of educational, inspirational, and entertaining topics.
