"I’ll admit that thoughts about my appearance or what to make for dinner have taken over during sex. Even though I know that being present during sex enhances the experience, I’ve let my mind wander from time to time. This was never a big deal in the past—I could stop myself from making a grocery list and return to the present moment. But this past year, I struggled with unyielding vaginal dryness and painful sex—and it was all I was thinking about. I was so distracted that I stopped being active and engaged with my partner. “Spectatoring” is what experts call this, and they’re right when they say it can be detrimental to your sex life.
+ how I did Scotland in a week without losing my mind in the planning process
In hopes of returning to the lively sex life I once had, I tapped experts on all things spectatoring. What is it and why is it so problematic? Is it really that big a deal to let yourself be distracted in the bedroom occasionally? And how do you stop? Ahead, their answers to these questions, along with how I overcame spectatoring to revive my sex life.
What does “spectatoring” during sex mean?
Coined by sex researchers Masters and Johnson, “spectatoring” is the act of self-monitoring during sexual activity. It’s the phenomenon of stepping outside of the experience and watching, critiquing, and analyzing yourself and your performance the same way you would a sports game or play. This subsequently turns you into an observer rather than an active participant in the bedroom.
Sex and Relationship Psychotherapist, Sarah Kelleher, LCSW, says this occurs when inner self-talk takes over and you begin mentally evaluating your performance, desirability, or appearance. Instead of getting lost in the moment, you might wonder if you look good, are taking too long to orgasm, or whether your partner’s enjoying it.
How “spectatoring” impacts your sex life
Experts agree that spectatoring does more than just remove you from the present moment—it creates a domino effect that negatively impacts your sex life. For starters, it interferes with your ability to get aroused and orgasm. Psychotherapist and Sex Educator for Zumio, Rachel Wright, explained that anxiety about how you look, sound, or are “performing” can activate your body’s stress response, which subsequently inhibits the relaxation and blood flow needed for sexual pleasure. Plus, Dr. Laurie Mintz, a certified sex therapist, psychologist, and sexpert for luxury pleasure brand LELO, says that spectatoring makes it practically impossible to orgasm because you’re not fully immersed in your body.
Furthermore, Sexologist and Relationship Expert Dr. Pepper Schwartz explained that spectatoring creates a disconnect between you and your partner. “Your partner may sense that they are not involved and wonder what they are doing wrong,” she said. This separates you from the person you’re supposed to be connecting with and can make sex feel like a chore. Worse, it can “create a cycle where you start to avoid sex altogether because it feels more stressful than pleasurable,” Wright explained.
Why I was spectatoring in the first place
This past year, I experienced unyielding vaginal dryness from chronic stress and prescription medications. This made sex extremely painful, and I’d be left sore and bleeding for days afterward. Subsequently, I became fixated on pain prevention, and during intercourse, worried if I was being gentle or using enough lube to avoid irritation. I was hyper-aware of every unpleasant sensation. Worse, my inability to get wet naturally and adequately heightened my personal insecurities about my body and made me doubt my inherent womanhood. Put all this together, and it was practically impossible to be present during sex, let alone enjoy it.
“Spectatoring does more than just remove you from the present moment—it creates a domino effect that negatively impacts your sex life.”
Kelleher explained that when trauma, shame, or anxiety are involved with sex, “the mind unconsciously retreats to a place of observation as a form of self-protection.” In my case, sex was shameful and anxiety-inducing, so I was using spectatoring as my defense mechanism. On top of that, I felt guilty that I couldn’t perform for my partner. Even though I know that pleasure is a two-way street, “glossy movie sex scenes” and social media, as explained by Sex Coach for female sexual wellness brand Smile Makers Màrian Martìnez, have perpetuated the notion that sex is a performance to be graded rather than enjoyed. It was obvious that my mind was elsewhere, he noticed, and I felt bad. Subsequently, we became fearful of having sex—he didn’t want to hurt me, and I didn’t want to be in pain.
How I finally stopped spectatoring and started having orgasms again
My sex life had all but been obliterated, and I needed to fix it, stat. To become mindful and present in the bedroom, though, I first had to become mindful outside of it. So, I started to eliminate outside noise during daily mundane tasks, like brushing my teeth, and I focused on my breath whenever my mind wandered. According to Dr. Mintz, mindfulness with embodiment is the antidote to spectatoring since it unites the intelligence of the mind with the intelligence of the body. Likewise, I discussed my fears and insecurities with my partner, which put us on the same page, and created pre-sex rituals for solo and partnered play to get my mind and body ready. This looked like sharing new sex positions I wanted to try with my partner or taking long showers and drenching myself in body oils afterward.
This ultimately made it easier to tap into my long-lost sensuality. For the first time in forever, I allowed myself to release the preemptive worry and relax enough to get adequately aroused. I became fully in tune with my body and grounded myself with one of my five senses whenever my mind started to wander. I’d bring attention back to my breath, look into my partner’s eyes, or notice how the sheets felt against my skin. More importantly, though, my vaginal dryness and painful intercourse were no longer things to be conquered but dealt with as they came up. This epiphany released the chokehold they’d had on my sex life. The best part is that this has done more than enhance my orgasms—it’s given me a deeper, more intimate connection with myself and my partner.
Experts Consulted
Dr. Laurie Mintz, Ph.D.
Dr. Laurie Mintz is an Emeritus Professor at the University of Florida, teaching Human Sexuality to hundreds of undergraduates yearly. She is also a certified sex therapist, psychologist, and sexpert for luxury pleasure brand LELO and a Fellow of the American Psychological Association. She’s published over 60 scholarly works and authored press books and was named one of Forbes’ “50 over 50” women innovators in 2023.
Dr. Pepper Schwartz
Dr. Pepper Schwartz is a celebrated sexologist and relationship expert. She is currently an advisor for the direct-to-patient healthcare company, Ro and a relationship expert for the hit TV series Married at First Sight. She has expertise across all sexual health and relationship topics.
Rachel Wright, MA, LMFT
Psychotherapist CA Rachel Wright, MA, LMFT (she/her) is recognized as one of the freshest voices on modern relationships, mental health, and sex. She is an experienced speaker, group facilitator, educator, therapist, coach, and on-camera mental health and relationship expert.
Sarah Kelleher, LCSW
Sarah Kelleher is a sex and relationship psychotherapist and educator based in New York City. Specializing in helping individuals and couples navigate their sexual and romantic relationships with themselves and each other, Sarah is a Certified Holistic Sex Educator (CHSE) through the Institute of Sexuality Education and Enlightenment.
Màrian Martìnez
Mariàn is a CCE Certified Sex Coach and Expert in Sexual Education. Driven by her passion for dismantling stigmas and taboos around discussing sex openly and without moral judgments, Mariàn helps individuals and big corporations embrace sex education to make the world a more fulfilling, pleasurable place.