"Last year I asked my husband, whom I’d known since the first day of high school, for a divorce. Even more than the financial implications of being a single mom or breaking the news to our families, I was most anxious about one day having sex with a new partner. He was the only person I’d ever had sex with, and I never considered myself to be especially confident in that area. What would a near-stranger think of me? Even after the dust settled, I found it so stressful that I put off dating for a while.
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My dry spell broke somewhat spontaneously, which I’m actually grateful for. Initially, I thought I needed to “prepare” to have sex with someone new, but in reality, preparing probably would have looked like a lot of overthinking. Thankfully, there’s no “right way” to have sex per Steph Flood, a licensed marriage and family therapist. “It’s all about reading each other’s energy and creating a safe, open space to vibe together,” she says.
If I could go back, I would have talked to an expert like Flood a long time ago to put my mind at ease. But the way I felt was hardly unique, so I asked Flood if she could share her best tips on being intimate with someone new. When the time comes for you, I hope her insight will make you feel more calm, empowered, and confident.
Steph Flood
Steph Flood is a licensed marriage and family therapist and the founder of A Flood of Love, a private practice that specializes in intimacy issues. For the last 15 years, she’s worked with over 1,000 couples on all kinds of things related to sex and intimacy, including mismatched desire levels, lack of communication around their sexual issues, and infidelity.
1. Don’t rush into it
Even though I didn’t put myself out there for a while after my separation, I ended up having sex with someone new for the first time after a second date. It’s not what I planned, but it was what felt right at the time. In hindsight, I’m grateful I didn’t stick to an arbitrary timeline or ask myself “How soon is too soon to have sex with someone?” Letting things unfold naturally, and only moving forward when and if you feel comfortable is what’s important. If that’s after a second date, great! If it’s after a second month, great! Even if you decide you’re ready and then change your mind, it’s OK to stop. ”Anyone worth a second experience will understand,” says Flood.
2. Reframe your nerves
Your nerves may feel like a warning sign that things won’t go well, but take it from me: Don’t let them scare you away. “Nerves are just your body’s way of saying this moment matters to you,” Flood insists. She recommends “hyping yourself up with pre-date tunes or positive self-talk,” if you think it might be the night. This can help you tap into your sexual energy and be a major confidence booster. If it happens unexpectedly (like it did for me), remind yourself they are probably as nervous as you are. Sex is a vulnerable experience for both parties. If you aren’t going to judge them, don’t be so nervous about them judging you.
“Sex is a vulnerable experience for both parties. If you aren’t going to judge them, don’t be so nervous about them judging you.”
3. Be straightforward and honest
Everyone has preferences, and knowing them upfront can make the experience more positive for both people. Flood recommends chatting about consent, boundaries, your comfort level, and what you both like (think: sexual initiation and desire styles) before having sex. A conversation like this doesn’t need to be formal and awkward—be straightforward, be relaxed, and be honest. Floor urges, “It’s OK to ask that they not touch your butt, or anything else that you might not be ready for.”
When it comes to more spontaneous encounters, there may not be time for a conversation beforehand. In this case, be especially communicative in the moment. The most important thing to keep in mind? If you’re not comfortable communicating your boundaries to them, you shouldn’t have sex with them. For an act this intimate and vulnerable, comfort is paramount.
4. Stay in the moment
I’ve accepted that sex can be funny, clumsy, awkward, and straight-up weird, and that’s OK. “Laugh it off if you need to,” says Flood. Often, overthinking can exaggerate this, so try to stay in the moment as much as you can. That could mean closing your eyes to minimize distractions, relaxing your body when you notice it tensing up, and communicating about how you’re feeling. By doing this, you’re paying more attention to your body than your nerves and helping you and your partner stay in lockstep. “It’s about enjoying the experience, not nailing some imaginary script,” she finishes.
“If you’re not comfortable communicating your boundaries to them, you shouldn’t have sex with them.”
5. Don’t compare it to past experiences
“Every connection is unique, so don’t stress if this feels different from past experiences,” encourages Frost. “Different doesn’t equal bad.” Having only been with a single person, I got used to both giving and receiving pleasure in one specific way. What I quickly realized is that differences can be exciting and even beneficial. Both parties are able to discover what they like and even learn new skills. Also, keep in mind that there are a million ways to have sex, and it’s impossible to be an indisputable expert on it. Even if you’re involved with someone more experienced than you, find comfort in the fact that your experience together is personal to the two of you. It doesn’t matter how sex was experienced with others in the past.
6. Debrief your experience
With transparency comes growth, and who doesn’t want a better sex life? Being intimate with a new partner is certainly intimidating, but in order to advocate for your own pleasure, you have to keep the lines of communication open before and after you have sex. “Ask how they’re feeling, and share how you feel too,” Frost explains. “If something was great, say so!” And if something felt off, you can gently bring it up to improve the experience next time. Instead of telling them what they did wrong, let them know that you prefer certain kinds of foreplay or a specific position. In my experience, I’ve found that this keeps the conversation positive and minimizes the chance of embarrassment. It may take time to become completely comfortable with another person, but you’ll both benefit from continually being open to each other’s needs and desires.