"Before graduating college, I wouldn’t have been caught dead on dating apps. The concept seemed so foreign to me. An endless game of swiping to find people you think are cute, “matching” with total strangers, and chatting for a while before maybe going on a date? No thanks. I’d had good luck with dating in school, so I trusted my ability to find a solid relationship without an app. Plus, plenty of people warned about the horrifying pictures and pick-up lines that awaited a girl like me.
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I respect anyone who uses dating apps to find something more casual, but as a lifelong hopeless romantic, dating apps just didn’t fit into my idea of a good love story. How could scrolling on my phone compare to the potential for a real-life meet-cute? The rom-coms I watched as a teen showed me how easy it could be to find my soulmate in a dimly lit bar or crowded street. But studies nowadays are finding that 27 percent of engaged couples have met on dating apps, so clearly, they have more merit than I initially gave them credit for. Hell, one of my best friends met her boyfriend on Hinge, which only motivated her more to convince me to join.
Once I moved to Chicago and realized how small of a circle I had in a brand-new city, I took the plunge and made a Hinge profile. Maybe I could actually find a boyfriend like she did?? I decided I’d spend a month on the app as a trial run, in the spirit of “don’t knock it until you try it.” Well, I matched with maybe a dozen people, and while I only went on one date, I’m shockingly unbothered by the fact that I have no prospects in sight. Instead, I’ve come away with a whole new perspective on dating and a bit of a reality check. Ahead, everything that happened during my 30 days on Hinge and whether or not I’m staying on the app.
It made me less anxious about dating
I’m the type of person to start spiraling if a text or call goes unanswered—something that’s burned me in past relationships. Of course, expecting frequent communication from a long-term partner is different from a Hinge match I haven’t even met in person yet, but it’s still not the healthiest habit. I thought being on dating apps would exacerbate my anxious attachment style, but shockingly, it did the opposite. Now, when I’m talking with a guy and notice myself stressing over a lull in the conversation, I’m able to remind myself that we’re still strangers to each other. I don’t owe this person anything, and he doesn’t owe me anything either.
This isn’t foolproof, but it helped me lower the stakes a bit. Besides, it forced me to focus on the quality of their responses rather than the speed, which is something I hardly considered before. More than anything, I now know that if I’m looking for ways we might be compatible instead of simply waiting and hoping for their name to pop up in my notifications, I’ll have a better, less anxious experience in the long run.
I became addicted to the game of swiping
I learned very quickly that I only have a certain number of “likes” to send out each day. At first, I didn’t mind, since the app claims it limits them to encourage more genuine connections. But with each day I spent swiping, I couldn’t help feeling like I wasn’t doing enough to put myself out there. This quickly devolved into a bit of an obsession. I’d find myself opening the app several times a day even after I’d run out of likes, just to see if my feed had refreshed and given me new profiles to scroll through. In a truly low moment, I’d impulsively downloaded Tinder just so I’d have new faces to look at… This lasted less than 24 hours before I deleted my profile out of shame.
“I thought I’d feel a weird sense of pressure to find my next relationship as quickly as possible once I joined a dating app, but I got more enjoyment out of not taking it so seriously.”
If you hear someone call dating apps addictive, they’re not kidding. You may go into it with a clear idea of what you’re looking for in a partner, but it can still turn very superficial very quickly. As someone who prefers getting to know someone as friends before developing a more romantic relationship, I didn’t like how mindlessly swiping made me feel. My short-lived addiction was a wake-up call, to say the least. I stopped swiping left based solely on looks or first impressions, and now, I’m more intentional about what I’m looking for in my next partner.
I became a ghosting hypocrite
When I made plans to grab coffee with one of my first-ever Hinge matches, all the negative things I’d ever heard about dating apps flew right out the window. How could it possibly be this rough out here when I’d secured a date in just a matter of days? I would soon be proven very, very wrong. I followed up with him the day before we were supposed to meet and got a vague “Let’s see how it goes” before getting total radio silence. Of course, I was bummed, but I quickly learned this is pretty normal.
I had conversations that lasted only a couple of texts back and forth before I never heard from them again. I also had guys match with me and not say a single word. The lone date I went on was fun, but I haven’t heard from the guy since. Shocker? Not really. Overall, I’ve learned there isn’t always a clear reason why people ghost each other.
I’m not proud of it, but throughout the month, I became guilty of ghosting, too. Admittedly, I ghosted guys who gave dry responses or said they wanted to make plans but never followed through. Ultimately, this was a lesson in knowing that the right person for me will want to spend time getting to know me—and I’ll want to spend time wanting to get to know them. With that in mind, I’ve stopped taking ghosting so personally.
I stopped feeling pressured to find “the one”
I thought I’d feel a weird sense of pressure to find my next relationship as quickly as possible once I joined a dating app, but I got more enjoyment out of not taking it so seriously. I started to treat it like a game, referring to my daily swiping as “playing Hinge.” For one of the Hinge prompts on my profile, I recorded myself reciting a scene from Finding Nemo I’d memorized as a kid, complete with voices and sound effects (because why not?). I even got my friends involved, whether they were helping me pick the best photos for my profile, crafting a clever opening line, or laughing at some of the responses I got.
I’m not saying that some matches not working out didn’t bum me out now and then, but it stopped affecting me as much as I thought it would. Plus, in having more fun with it, online dating started to feel a little bit more whimsical and allowed me to show off my personality more. Eventually, I’ll stumble upon someone who appreciates my quirky qualities, right??
I decided to stay on the app just for the fun of it
Dating, whether online or IRL, can turn into a long-term relationship if that’s what you’re looking for. But it doesn’t have to be so serious or overwhelming from the start. I wish I realized that sooner! The whole dating app thing still feels a little unconventional to me, but I am proud of myself for putting myself out there in a way I wouldn’t have just a few short years ago.
I decided to stay on the app after my trial run was over because, honestly, it was a pretty good time. I’d certainly love to become another Hinge success story, but for now, I don’t feel any pressure to couple up. As long as I keep meeting new people and getting out of my apartment, I don’t even care if every date I go on in the next 30 days is terrible. I’ll keep coming back for more if it means I’ll walk away with a free drink and a great story.
Hannah Carapellotti, Contributing Writer
Hannah is an Ann Arbor-based writer with a bachelor’s in English and writing from the University of Michigan. Outside of The Everygirl, Hannah has written for The Michigan Daily, where she also served as an editor. She currently works at an independent bookstore and is interning for a literary agency.