As someone in a long-term relationship, I’ve spent a lot of time vicariously living out my alternate single girl life through my friends’ dating stories. I couldn’t wait to hear their debriefs after their dates, and together, we’d go over every detail of the encounter from start to finish with a fine-tooth comb. If things worked out in the end, I’d then help them pick out photos to hard launch their relationship on social media.
Lately, though, my single friends have been unusually tight-lipped about their dating life. Initially, I feared the silence meant that I had given them bad advice. Now, I know the real culprit is quiet dating—a new trend giving singles more control over their love life, sans input from others. After learning all there is to know about quiet dating from an expert, I have to say that I am fully on board with it. Ahead, a full breakdown of quiet dating—including what it is and why it’s so popular—alongside what to know before doing it, and how to perfect this method for yourself.
Shan Boodram
Shan Boodram is a certified sex educator and intimacy expert with a M.S. in Psychology and diploma in print journalism. Boodram is Bumble’s Sex & Relationships Expert, the host of The Marriage Pact on The Roku Channel, the host of the top podcast Lovers and Friends, the workshop facilitator on Netflix’s Too Hot to Handle, and the author of the best-selling book The Game of Desire.
What is “quiet dating”?
Coined in 2024 by Rich Little Brokegirls podcast host Kimberly Bizu, “quiet dating” is exactly what it sounds like: dating, but staying quiet about it. Likewise, Shan Boodram, MA, and sex and relationships expert for Bumble, says quiet dating is all about dating with confidence and prioritizing your own experience instead of seeking outside validation. At its core, it’s about no longer “selling” potential partners to yourself or your friends. Bizu explains that giving detailed recaps of every date can unintentionally romanticize someone and often spins a false narrative about them. When this happens, you end up falling for someone’s potential rather than who they are.
“Quiet dating eradicates the notion that locking down a significant other is the be-all and end-all of your existence.”
Staying quiet lets you observe someone realistically and choose a significant other from a place of clarity and groundedness. This is because your judgment isn’t clouded by input from others. Obviously, this input is well-meaning, but quiet dating lets you process things like your date’s behavior and what you like about them independently. It’s less about being secretive and more about giving yourself the time and space to decide whether to pursue things further. More importantly, quiet dating recognizes that dating is merely one piece of the puzzle in your amazing life. Therefore, it doesn’t deserve to take up all your mental energy.
Why is quiet dating so popular right now?
Although quiet dating is a solid approach to finding love that can be used whenever, it’s become particularly prominent since Chanté Joseph’s British Vogue article, “Is Having a Boyfriend Embarrassing Now?”, went viral. According to Boodram, this has forced singles to look in the mirror and honestly assess how publicity factors into their relationships, and whether they’ve used public displays of affection to validate their relationship as well as themselves.
Additionally, Boodram says there’s also been a cultural shift around the topic of dating. More people, and women in particular, are recognizing “that they are so much more than the arm they’re linked onto,” Boodram explains. Sadly, the stigma that being a wife and mother is the true measuring stick for womanhood still exists. Consequently, we feel pressured to prove our worth by showing off our relationship or finding someone new when we’re single.
While there is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to share your life with someone or be a wife and mother, no one should be made to feel ashamed for not having or not wanting those things. Quiet dating eradicates the notion that locking down a significant other is the be-all and end-all of your existence. Moreover, it affirms that it’s OK to have a life outside of dating. You can put your focus into other things besides finding a partner, like your hobbies and relationships with friends and family.
Is it possible to be too quiet about your dating life?
Keeping some dating tidbits to yourself and not obsessing over your love life sounds great and all, but is it possible to keep things too quiet when you’re dating? According to Boodram, it depends. While this approach obviously means keeping things on the down-low—especially in the beginning—Boodram says that quiet dating is ultimately about “not making your love life the most interesting thing about yourself.” This doesn’t mean don’t talk about it at all; Rather, it means not filling your social media profiles strictly with content of you and your partner, not making your relationship the main topic of conversation every chance you get, and so forth.
“Quiet dating is ultimately about not making your love life the most interesting thing about yourself.”
As far as social media goes, it can be a red flag if someone uses quiet dating as an excuse to refrain from sharing their relationship at all. Of course, some people are more private than others, so it’s important to determine how the person you’re dating uses social media in general. On the one hand, it makes sense for someone to keep their relationship private if they strictly use social media for business or career purposes. On the other hand, someone who hides you from their social media profile but shares selfies, pics with friends, and job updates might fear commitment or want to keep their options open.
How to start quiet dating
Thankfully, quiet dating isn’t hard to do. According to Boodram, keeping your relationship and love life personal is really all there is to it. “While dating can be fun and worth sharing with your friends, the difference between regular dating and quiet dating is that it doesn’t dominate the conversation,” she explained. The key is to avoid sharing every minute detail with others. Instead, run stuff by the people you trust when you feel like you need to (think: when you can’t make sense of their behavior), and trust your intuition with the rest.
Furthermore, Boodram also emphasizes keeping yourself front and center. While it’s easy to get wrapped up in the dating process—especially when sparks are flying and a prospect feels promising—the last thing you want is to lose yourself to love. You don’t want your relationship to be your identity, after all. For this reason, Boodram recommends doing things that set you up to be the best version of yourself. Think: stiving for a promotion at work, hitting a fitness milestone, or trying a new hobby. What’s important is that you have something concrete to strive for that is wholly yours, independent of your relationship status.
The bottom line? Quiet dating is empowering. The approach says that it’s OK to date on your terms rather than society’s, and that you don’t need to spend every free moment you have contemplating a potential partner—and that is something we can all benefit from.
Arianna Reardon, Contributing Writer
Arianna is a freelance writer and journalist, and the self-proclaimed hot and dirty martini queen. At The Everygirl, Arianna uses her authenticity and relatability to empower, inspire, and motivate women everywhere. Whether she’s writing about sex and relationships, career and finance, beauty and fashion, wellness, or home and living, Arianna’s passion shines through in all her work.
