Growing up, I thought the pinnacle of all mother-daughter relationships was Lorelai and Rory Gilmore from Gilmore Girls. Their witty banter, nights spent watching movie marathons with takeout, and shared love of coffee honestly made high school me feel like a horrible daughter. While Rory and Lorelai’s fights rarely lasted more than one 30-minute episode, and they got along 99 percent of the time, the teenage hormones racing through my body had me snapping at my mom constantly, despite knowing how much she did for me. In adulthood, I’ve learned that fictional television shows are not the best barometer for successful mother-daughter relationships. But that picture-perfect ideal still lingers for women everywhere.
Some may share every thought they have with their mom, while others can’t speak candidly or express their true feelings. We asked our readers what they wished they could say to their mom, and the answers ranged from expressing deep love and gratitude to wishing they could tell them they shouldn’t have become a mother at all. Ahead, everything the Everygirls needed to get off their chest.
They wish you would accept them for who they really are
Every parent should see their kids for who they truly are and love them unconditionally, but that’s not always a reality. Parents may blame generational differences or say they’re “from a different time,” but what they’re really doing is projecting their expectations instead of practicing unconditional love. Jackie, 35, knows that feeling all too well. Growing up, she thought her mom was perfect, but as she got older, cracks in their relationship began to show. She realized her mom only seemed to like her when she mirrored her exact views. “I need her to see and accept me for who I really am—not just as an extension of her beliefs or expectations,” she said.
“You fucked up. Having kids should be a thoughtful decision and one you’re committed to doing well.”
Sara, 25, feels the same. She and her mom were close growing up, and they still talk daily, but as Sara developed her worldview, their clashing politics often got in the way. “I don’t understand how this incredibly kind and intelligent woman [who] raised me to appreciate other cultures and people can fall for such bullcrap of politics, but I guess that’s the nature of different generations,” Sara lamented. As frustrating as she finds her parents’ politics, she can’t cut them out of her life. She only hopes her mom will one day see things from her perspective. Linda, 29, can relate. She still sees her mom periodically, but growing up, she was physically, verbally, and emotionally abusive. Her strict religious views and refusal to accept her children for who they are have created distance. “I am your daughter; you chose to have me, and yet you do not deserve me,” Linda said.
Both Nara, 18, and Maddie struggle to open up about their sexuality to their moms because of their views. Nara feels more like friends with her mother now than she did as a child, but she still doesn’t feel safe enough to tell her she’s a lesbian. Similarly, Maddie considers her mom her best friend, but her mom’s unclear values make Maddie feel like she can’t be honest about who she is. “I love you, but if you want to see me partnered with someone, it’s probably not going to be a guy,” she wants to tell her.
They appreciate you more than they can express
While some children may feel like their mothers could have been more accepting and loving, others feel indebted to them for everything they did to care for them. When someone dedicates so much of themselves to taking care of you, it can be hard to find the words to thank them. Before her mom passed away, Caroline, 33, spoke to her daily. Her mom was her best friend and always put her and her siblings first. If she could tell her anything, it would be how much she loved her. “Thank you for raising me and putting up with me even when you probably didn’t want to.”
Alex also lost her mom, and while growing up, she thought she was the strictest parent ever. As an adult, she has a newfound appreciation. As a widow, she raised three girls, and Alex will always be thankful for that. “Thank you for making me the woman I am today,” she said. “I love you, and I miss you. I hope you would be proud of me.”
“Thank you… for breaking the mold… for choosing to do things differently…”
Hannah, 32, feels the same way about her mom, even when they’re butting heads (which she admits happens often), especially considering her mom didn’t have a good role model growing up. “I would just say thank you,” she said. “For breaking the mold. For choosing to do things differently than her mother did.” It’s incredibly difficult to make actual generational change, and even with the best intentions, many people repeat their parents’ patterns when raising their own children.
They don’t think you should have become a mother
Becoming a parent is no easy decision, and no matter how prepared you are, it’s still an incredibly emotional journey. Still, kids never ask to be brought into the world, and when what’s waiting for them isn’t a supportive environment, they might wish you had considered the weight of your decision more carefully. Emory, 34, sees and talks to her mom every single day, but that doesn’t mean her mom ever gave her the loving support she needed. “I wish you had spent more time with me in childhood, making sure I actually felt loved and wanted,” she said. “Providing food, shelter, and material things are the basics. I needed words and emotional warmth as well.”
Natalie, 38, has a similar view of motherhood. She rarely sees her mom and only speaks to her on special occasions after being emotionally neglected and abused as a child. “The older I get, the more convinced I am that you keeping me as a mom at 19 was the most selfish choice you could have made,” she said. “If you truly believed you could have given me a good life, it would have been different.” Some parents are so focused on their own lives that when they have kids, they aren’t willing to put aside their needs for their child, a decision that can impact the relationship forever.
Cary, 40, was close with her mother growing up, but in her teen years, her mom’s mental health and addiction struggles left her feeling unsafe. They had been estranged since Cary’s college years, when her mother passed. “You fucked up,” she wishes she could tell her. “Having kids should be a thoughtful decision and one you’re committed to doing well.”
They think you should take care of your mental health
To care for someone else, you have to be well yourself. Many of our readers wished their moms would have prioritized their mental health or even just done things for themselves instead of always diverting to others’ wants and needs. Abigail, 27, talks to her mom every day. As a child, she found her mom loving but strict and rigid, and at times, even scary. As she got older, she came to understand her mother better. Now, she wishes her mom could speak up for herself. “She should have fought for her peace and dignity. She should have asked for better,” she said.
“You’ve been in the warm waters of self-pity for too long, and it’s time to get out.”
Lacey, 38, also wants her mom to take control of her life. Her childhood was idyllic; she admired her mom and felt deeply loved, but things have gotten complicated as they’ve aged. Her mom no longer wants to do anything for herself, and no matter how Lacey tries to help, she’s always met with criticism. “This is your life; you have to decide to be happy,” she wants to tell her. “You’ve been in the warm waters of self-pity for too long, and it’s time to get out.” Lacey added that her mom expects her to provide her happiness, a weight no child can carry. Many parents rely too heavily on their children to be their sole source of happiness, but that expectation only pushes them further apart.
While therapy has become the norm for many adults, many parents still refuse to seek professional support. The generational gap can be especially frustrating for people who just want to see their parents thrive. Grace, 31, always had a good relationship with her mom, but now it’s hard to watch her constantly give without seeking guidance for herself. “As you get older, your childhood trauma and abandonment issues are front and center,” she would tell her mom. “I wish you recognized how much you deserve therapy to recover so you can stop burning out by serving your friends and family past your fullest extent.” We can always encourage our parents to seek help, but since we can’t force them to, it can be heartbreaking and frustrating to watch them struggle from the sidelines.
They still need their mom, even now
When having kids, some parents may think it’s an 18-year commitment, but the reality is that no matter how old we get, we still need our moms. Many respondents wished their moms recognized that while their legal responsibilities may be over, they still want support and connection. Eloise, 37, said her mom did everything for her and her siblings when they were growing up. They’re still very close today, but she wishes she could fully communicate how much she and her own children still need her. Bailey, 39, described her mom as a “supermom,” but now that she has children of her own, she and her siblings are surprised by the distance that’s grown between them. “You raised some strong, hardworking, successful women who still need their mom sometimes,” Bailey said. “We need you to be there. Really there.”
Countless other women wished their moms would check in on them more, instead of the other way around. Mother-daughter relationships are incredibly complex, and while we all wish they were as simple as Gilmore Girls led us to believe, it can take real work to maintain the bonds. No matter where your relationship with your mother stands, you can’t outgrow the desire for the love and support only a mom can provide. If you’re reading this, wishing you could confess something to your mom, too, consider reaching out; your honesty and vulnerability may be just the thing your relationship needs.
Lauren Blue, Assistant Editor
As an Assistant Editor for The Everygirl, Lauren ideates and writes content for every facet of our readers’ lives. Her articles span the topics of must-read books, movies, home tours, travel itineraries—and everything in between. When she isn’t testing the latest TikTok trend, she can be found scouring Goodreads for new releases to feature on the site.
Feature graphic images credited to: Federica Giaomazzi | Unsplash, Andrej Lisakov | Unsplash
