"The climax. The big “O.” Coming. Cleave the pin. Let go. Crack your marbles. You’ve heard all the euphemisms, but you haven’t quite been able to get there yourself. So, whenever you have sex, you’re so focused on getting to the finish line yourself that you just can’t seem to quite get there.
We’re here to help! Your sexual pleasure is important, and not being able to orgasm is stressful, uncomfortable, and frustrating. Ready to climax but not sure how? Come (ha) along with me!
You’re expecting a giant explosion of emotion
The movies (and friends sometimes, too!) can make an orgasm sound like a firework is exploding in your body. Not every orgasm feels like that. As I once said, orgasms are like snowflakes — they’re all unique!
Don’t orgasm-compare either! As much as I love talking to friends about sex, make sure you understand that their experiences are going to be different from yours.
You’re too tense
Relax girl! When you get too overworked making sure you climax, your body can’t “let go.”
Yoga, stretching, really any kind of exercise, and meditation can help you relax and get over all the stress you’re putting your body through. It might also be a good idea to let your partner know that you’re struggling. He or she might be able to help calm your nerves and get your body to relax.
You and your partner aren’t connecting
As much as I hate to write this one, it could be something in your relationship that’s making orgasming difficult. Whether you’re not connected physically, you’re both stressed about something, you’re miscommunicating, or something else is going on between the two of you, it might make your body tense up or your mind might be in a different place.
Practice some mindfulness. It might sound weird (and difficult!), but stay in the present while you’re having sex. Really be there with your partner and stay focused on what’s happening in the present moment. You’ll feel more gratitude toward your partner, and have better sex (!!!).
Try masturbating
If you haven’t tried getting off on your own, YOU MUST. Ok, it’s not that dramatic, but I would definitely recommend you start here! Masturbation helps you get an idea of what you enjoy, and once you’re able to make yourself orgasm, it’s easier to tell your partner what he or she can do to get you there.
If you’re struggling to get off from masturbation as well, try adding in toys and trying different positions.
Sex is painful
If sex hurts, obviously you’re not going to enjoy it enough to orgasm. Make an appointment with your doctor ASAP.
If you’re taking some medications
Certain medications can decrease your libido and lower your ability to climax. If this is really bothering you, bring this up with your doctor as well.
You’re afraid of losing control
Self-proclaimed control freak here, and I can say first-hand that being afraid to lose control and let your body go is actually a very common reason for not being able to orgasm. If you’re with a new partner, dealing with body image issues, or dealing with other areas of stress in your life, it’s easy to feel like you don’t want to lose control of your sex life.
Communicate with your partner that you’re struggling with this aspect of your sex life. Getting it off your chest is the first step in relinquishing control, and your partner might be able to ease your mind of some of the (probably false!) narratives you’re telling yourself.