"There are very few things in this life that are more frustrating than having the same conversation over and over again, especially when that conversation has a tendency to get heated and end in an argument. It’s like deja vu; You know exactly what’s about to happen when the conversation starts, but you have no idea why it’s happening, where it even stemmed from in the first place, why you’re living it on repeat, and why the hell, after all this time, that it’s still an issue.
Fighting about the same thing over and over again can be particularly damaging in romantic relationships because it can lead to relationship anxiety, resentment, trouble with communication, further conflict, and even heartbreak. But what can you do when it feels like there is no end? To say that I’ve experienced this a time or two would be an understatement. So if you’re with me and thinking what’s a girl to do, trust me when I say that there are some steps you can take to get you to the other side of the perpetual argument you can’t seem to escape from.
Ahead, we’re covering what you need to do to get to the bottom of the same fights that keep coming up between you and your partner and how you can stop and move forward from it—whether that’s working toward solving the issue or moving on from your relationship as a whole.
Take a step back
Do you know the saying “Nothing good ever happens after midnight”? Well, nothing good happens in the heat of an argument either. When your seemingly never-ending fight comes up, take a step back from it instead of getting caught up in the “winning” of it all or saying things to defend yourself or whatever else you feel the need to do. This doesn’t mean you should physically walk away without saying anything at all—although if you need to take a breather, you should communicate to your partner that you could use some time to collect your thoughts. By taking a step back, I mean taking a deep breath and looking at the conversation from the outside instead of getting caught up in the weeds.
Since you have experienced this same fight a million times, you probably have a good idea of where it’s going, so instead of engaging in it, choose to handle it differently. Maybe say something like “I don’t want to fight with you, but I do want to work through this. What can we do to better understand each other’s perspectives?” or “I know this comes up a lot between us, so instead of arguing about it again, can we take some time to really talk about why this hasn’t been resolved yet?” Approaching relationship fights with calm prompts for conflict resolution instead of more fuel for the fire can help you have a rational, effective conversation that can lead to a better understanding of one another.
Get to the root cause
It’s time to get honest with each other (and yourself), stop beating around the bush or tip-toeing around the other person’s feelings, and get to the bottom of it. Now is the time to get real about your feelings and frustrations because if you can’t be honest with your partner, what are you even doing? Start with these questions: Where is this coming from? How long has this been going on? Why aren’t we able to see eye-to-eye? How can we better understand each other’s perspective? Is there any way to move forward from this?
You might not have all of the answers all at once, and that is OK. What matters now is that you start to peel back the layers of the issue so you can solve it from the ground up. For example, if you have relationship fights about a lack of communication or *not texting back fast enough* and the real issue is a lack of trust, you need to work on why there is a lack of trust in the first place.
Source: @ekaterina-nt
Figure out how to move forward
There are two things that you can do once you both have an understanding of the root cause of your relationship fights and while it might be a little hard to hear, these are your options: make changes or break up. Obviously, this is solely dependent on the severity of the issue at hand, but you have to decide if the issue is worth solving, and if so, how.
Implement changes to improve the issue
Once you have an understanding of where the problem stems from, you can make changes to improve it and eventually put it behind you. These could be big or small as you need them to be. For example, if your relationship fights are always about how messy your partner is and the root of the issue is that you feel like they aren’t being mindful or respectful of your shared space, you might want to consider divvying up responsibilities or creating loose rules (ex. if you cook, they clean or if you wash, they fold) so that it’s more clear when each of you contributes to your shared space. Something as small as this could help limit resentment.
Setting scheduled check-ins with your partner could also be helpful if you argue about bigger-picture things like finances, intimacy, or boundaries. They won’t just get better overnight, but if you both decide to try to be more mindful (this could come in the form of sticking to a budget, closing the pleasure gap, etc.) then you can see improvements over time. Having scheduled check-ins can ensure that you both stay on the same page and are working toward a shared goal instead of not seeing eye-to-eye like before.
Decide to go separate ways
No matter how much we love someone or how badly we want a relationship to work out, there are some issues that you just can’t, and shouldn’t, ignore. For example, if you and your partner have come to the conclusion that the root cause of your continuous fight is a lack of trust due to infidelity that happened in the past, this is an opportunity to evaluate if that trust can ever really be earned back. And if not, accept that the foundation of your relationship might not be strong enough to have a happy a future together, sans continuous argument.
Alternatively, if nothing like that happened in the past and you’ve realized that your relationship fights are simply due to the fact that you are two completely different people, a future together just might not be realistic. It’s a tough pill to swallow, but it’s important to know what’s worth fighting for and what’s not, and sometimes, it’s the latter.
Learn from it
Whether you and your partner choose to work through the root cause of your issues through small steps or implemented changes or you both decide that you are going to go your separate ways due to irreconcilable differences, there is a lot that you can take away from this situation.
First and foremost, recognize that problems don’t just go away and that letting them run their course isn’t a reliable problem-solver. This is mostly because problems don’t just come out of nowhere—they come down to hurt feelings, miscommunication, lack of trust, and similar, more foundational issues that don’t just go away or get better without working on them. Knowing this from experience, you are now more equipped and (hopefully) more willing to manage issues as soon as they come up—whether that’s in your existing relationship or a new one down the road—to create a stronger relationship for the future.