"When I got engaged back in 2017, a million things ran through my head: What kind of wedding should we have? How many people? What style of dress would suit me best? I was so excited by the idea of building a life and loved the thought of being married to my best friend. After all, we’d been together for so long, and it felt like we already knew each other inside and out.
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Imagine my surprise when the wedding day came and went (which, by the way, was perfect!), and I started to notice that my new husband and I were hitting some, well, unexpected snags in communication and expectations. Despite living together for two years before getting married and having already navigated plenty of relationship hurdles, something about the shift to husband and wife brought a new set of challenges we hadn’t anticipated. Gender roles started creeping into our relationship in ways they hadn’t before, like who was on point to take out the garbage or fold the laundry, and these unspoken issues would turn into arguments at the worst possible times.
That’s not to say we were deeply unhappy, but something felt off. After six months, I realized we needed to fix our communication before our silent grievances blew up in our faces. I learned about the concept of weekly relationship check-ins, and after some initial convincing, my husband agreed to give it a try. Since implementing this one small routine weekly, we have leveled up our communication, experienced fewer arguments, and become closer than ever. I know it sounds too good to be true, but I promise you it’s not—here’s everything you need to know.
What is a relationship check-in?
A relationship check-in is exactly what it sounds like. You and your partner decide on a time to sit down and go over things like household chores, finances, resentment, and even sex. Essentially, it’s dedicated time to get on the same page about all the things that go into maintaining a successful relationship. By the end of the check-in, your goal is to feel closer and more prepared to tackle any lingering issues, concerns, and joint goals together.
The best part? There aren’t guidelines you have to follow; it’s up to you to decide what, when, and how you’ll tackle your check-in. For example, my husband and I decided to dedicate time every Sunday to address key areas of our relationship (more on that later!). We even journal our answers to track recurring issues and see how our conversations evolve. Having a check-in regularly, no matter what it looks like for you, is what matters.
The relationship check-in questions we implemented
What events, activities, and commitments do we have coming up for the week?
One of the best things about our weekly check-ins is that they help us stay on top of each other’s schedules and give us a chance to plan for the week ahead. For example, if I have a work event on Wednesday, my husband knows to leave the office on time to let the dogs out. If he has a busy week ahead, I know to take care of dinners. Before we started this practice, we’d often forget to communicate these things and end up sending frantic last-minute texts, which was pure chaos. Now, we keep a shared calendar that we update during our check-ins—no more scheduling surprises!
What did we like about the previous week? What was hard about it?
The answers to this question can be relationship-specific (like when my husband brought me surprise flowers since he knows my love language is gifts), or it can be more general (like a fun work trip or dinner with family). Initially, I wasn’t sure if this question was worth it because it wasn’t as practical as some of the others, but it’s proven to be one of the most insightful.
“By being upfront about what we need, we’re able to set ourselves up for success and feel supported—no more mind-reading required!”
Oftentimes, I’m surprised by what my husband liked most from the previous week. (One time he said his favorite thing was a walk we went on together that week?? So wholesome!) This helps us both get to know each other more and allows us to plan our weeks to be full of things that bring each of us joy. The same goes for what we didn’t like—we talk about how to adjust and improve for the coming week, making sure we’re both happy and supported.
Are there any lingering issues or building resentment we need to talk through?
Knowing we have a designated time for deeper discussions allows us to pause, breathe, and think things through when conflict arises. Instead of hashing things out in the heat of the moment, we brainstorm potential solutions to discuss during our check-in. For example, after one check-in, we agreed that my husband would take on garbage duty while I handled laundry, solving the growing frustration for both of us that didn’t exist before we got married.
What goals are you working toward and how can we support each other in them?
After we’ve discussed any arguments or issues from the previous week, we move on to personal goals and how we can help each other achieve them. This could be things like help practicing for an upcoming interview or encouragement to attend that early-morning workout class. By being upfront about what we need, we’re able to set ourselves up for success and feel supported—no more mind-reading required! Plus, it’s been nice to cheer each other on.
How are we doing financially?
We decided to include a financial touch base within our weekly chat since we figured it would be easier than finding a separate time to chat money with our busy schedules. We make sure that our paychecks are deposited on time, automatic transfers are happening as expected, and bills are paid. Before adding this to our weekly discussions, we were somewhat disorganized with money, trusting that we were paying bills off on time and saving what we needed to hit our goals. Now, our weekly check-in provides us with peace of mind and prevents unnecessary conflict over who was supposed to pay what bill and when.
“Since starting this practice, we’ve been able to get ahead of potential problems, keep communication strong, and make sure we’re aligned on key issues.”
How are we feeling about our intimacy lately?
Lastly, we check in regularly about our sex life. Since talking about sex with your partner, even a partner of many years, can be awkward and requires some tact, we’ve found that tabling anything in a neutral setting removes the tension. We like to chat about if we’re both happy with the frequency of sex we’re having and are feeling satisfied, and we use the time to discuss anything new that we might want to try out. This isn’t a weekly topic, but we try to discuss it at least once a month to make sure we’re both on the same page and feel fulfilled in this area.
How a check-in improved my marriage
My husband and I just celebrated our sixth wedding anniversary, and we’ve been doing these weekly check-ins for five of those years. Since starting this practice, we’ve been able to get ahead of potential problems, keep communication strong, and make sure we’re aligned on key issues. While I don’t think my husband and I were on the verge of total catastrophe before starting this, it’s reassuring to know that nothing is left unsaid between us. Plus, it feels great to connect before the week begins, have a space for us to chat and get to know each other as we evolve and dream together toward common goals.
We’re such big believers in this routine that we recommend it to every couple we know. We’ve shared it with family members, including several of our siblings and their partners, as well as close friends, and they’ve all agreed that it provides a great structure for important conversations that might not happen naturally but are incredibly valuable.
How to implement a relationship check-in
If I’ve sold you on the benefits of setting up your own relationship check-in, here’s how you can get started:
- Get your partner on board by explaining the benefits—it’s about strengthening your relationship, not pointing fingers.
- Pick a time when you can talk without rushing (we like Sundays after dinner!).
- Start with some preset questions (@atwistofdate has some great starter questions) and then add or modify them to suit your needs as a couple.
- Set a weekly reminder to stay accountable.
- Approach the check-in with an open mind and be kind when offering feedback.
Devin Cleary Gooden, Contributing Finance Writer
Devin is a Toronto-based content creator and marketer with 10 years of experience writing about finance and career tips for women. She is passionate about helping women understand finances so they can create the life they want to have, whatever that may look like. She is currently a senior manager of content at a fintech company, where she works on websites, emails, social media, videos, and podcasts.