"Between dating app algorithms, ghost profiles, dating trend whiplash, and everyone’s debatably too-high standards, modern-day dating can be frustrating as hell. It feels like the only way to get off the hamster wheel is to throw your hands up in the air and cross your fingers for a rom-com-worthy meet-cute in an elevator or something. It’s tough out there; there’s no doubt about it. But instead of being so quick to blame all the not-so-ideal things about dating in this day and age, considering all the ways you can make it work for you instead of worrying about how it works against you can be the mindset change you need.
In their new book, How To Be Dateable: The Essential Guide to Finding Your Person and Falling In Love, dating experts and hosts of Dateable, Julie Krafchick and Yue Xu, introduce the idea of dating archetypes, which help singles recognize their dating patterns so they can get out of their own way. If you’re looking to enjoy dating more and enhance your chances of finding love, your dating archetype is the place to start. I interviewed Krafchick and Xu to find out everything we need to know, including the benefits of the concept and how to navigate dating with your dating archetypes in mind.
Julie Krafchick
Julie worked in the Silicon Valley tech scene for over two decades, understanding how technology impacts human relationships. She’s a trained qualitative researcher and app designer with an emphasis on human-centered design. Frustrated by dating herself at the time, she created the app 500 Brunches to facilitate more organic, in-person meetings for friends and dates, which grew into a thriving community.
Yue Xu
Yue started her career as a dating coach and vlogger in New York City, working with clients all over the world. Her vlog Singlefied, was featured on AskMen, Match, New York Post, Coffee Meets Bagel, The Times (London), the BBC, and more. She is a TV host and producer for shows TechtheLead, The Gadget Show UK, and The Gadget Show China, and has appeared on MTV, AMC, Discovery, and NBC.
What are dating archetypes?
After talking to thousands of daters over the last decade of all ages, genders, sexualities, and backgrounds, Julie Krafchick and Yue Xu identified five dating archetypes. These describe how you show up in the dating world and encompass your behavior patterns and attitudes toward dating. It’s important to know that your dating archetype is not meant to define you. Instead, dating archetypes are designed to help you see the strengths you bring into your dating life as well as what may be holding you back so you can move forward with clarity and confidence.
The five dating archetypes, explained
Achiever
Achievers tend to date with purpose and conviction. They know what they want for the long term and aren’t afraid to go after it! As a natural leader, Achievers often come up with great date ideas and are good at moving the relationship forward. They aren’t afraid of commitment, and their bold nature allows them to take chances and be open about their relationship goals.
While all great qualities, Achievers often have a goal in mind when dating and can get caught up in artificial milestones and timelines—usually focusing on what’s next instead of developing a connection. This can cause impatience, which can get in the way of letting the right relationship truly blossom.
Dreamer
Dreamers want nothing more than to have a great love story. They tend to see the best in people, and their warm energy draws people in. They give their all to relationships, wear their heart on their sleeves, and love deeply, bringing passion to relationships. A Dreamer’s undying commitment and loyalty make them the type of partner others can build a life with.
Unfortunately, a Dreamer’s whimsical definition of love may not always be realistic at times. They tend to idealize a relationship or get ahead of themselves when dating. They might be inclined to prioritize others over themselves or neglect the practical aspects of a relationship.
Energizer
Energizers are full of charisma, and people are drawn to them like a magnet. They are generally down to meet new people, especially since their social nature makes them approachable and easy to talk to. Energizers take pride in trying new experiences, which makes dating them fresh and exciting. At their core, they are optimists who believe in love.
Living an exciting lifestyle can make all that go, go, go exhausting, though. Energizers struggle to get to know someone at a deeper, more emotional level since they are often distracted by what or who is next. With that in mind, they don’t often take the time to truly think about what they are looking for.
Maverick
Mavericks are self-sufficient and want the best out of life. They tend to come across as confident and authentic—sometimes with a no-BS attitude, telling it like it is. They may have a high bar, but they aren’t trying to change someone once they find them. Their relationships thrive when they live independent lives and respect each other’s interests, aspirations, and boundaries.
Unfortunately, Mavericks have a hard time making room for others. They might write people off quickly or make them prove themselves first. They struggle with being vulnerable, asking for help, and communicating their needs.
Thinker
Thinkers tend to be vigilant daters who are consistent, reliable, and dependable—all qualities that make a great long-term partner. They’re a steady constant for the people they care about, even when times are tough. Since Thinkers are typically good at solving problems, they can work through conflict and understand different perspectives.
While it’s important to be thoughtful about decisions, overthinking is their worst enemy. Since they aren’t very risk-averse, Thinkers may hold back out of fear of making the wrong decision or incorrect move.
“Knowing your dating archetype allows you to get out of your own way so you can show up as your most authentic self.”
How to identify your dating archetype(s)
If you’re having trouble identifying which type of dater you are, don’t worry. Krafchick and Xu make it easy by offering a dating archetype quiz on their website and in their book! I took the quiz myself, and it only took me a few minutes before my dating archetype and corresponding strengths and weaknesses were revealed.
After you identify your dating archetype (or archetypes, since you can have more than one), keep in mind that it can change over time. This could be a cause of your dating experiences or the work you do on yourself. For example, Yue shared that she noticed her Achiever archetype has become a bit less prevalent over the years. Thanks to therapy and self-work, she has learned to be less outcome-driven. With this in mind, it helps to stay curious, self-aware, and open-minded. As you evolve, your strengths and weaknesses (and subsequently, your dating archetypes) will too.
Hot tip: Krafchick and Xu suggest having a friend or someone who knows you best take the assessment for you because they may be able to uncover some behaviors and attitudes that you don’t see!
The benefits of knowing your archetype
More than anything, knowing your dating archetype allows you to get out of your own way so you can show up as your most authentic self. “You can show off your greatest attributes so someone falls in love with the real you, and you can filter out anyone who isn’t the right match,” says Krafchick and Xu. Moreover, knowing your archetype will also help you stay realistic when dating. For example, if you’re a Dreamer, you often get caught up in what could be and invest in the wrong people. In knowing that’s your default, you’re reminded to take a step back and truly assess if the person you’re seeing would make a good partner.
Finally, knowing your dating archetype allows you to stay focused on the bigger picture. For example, if you’re an Achiever, you may be tempted to end a relationship that isn’t moving at the speed you want. “It can be good to be intentional about what you want,” says Krafchick and Xu, but you’ll know to check your impatience at the door so you don’t get in the way of how the relationship naturally progresses.
There are a lot of generic dating rules and advice out there that can leave you feeling stuck and confused, especially when they don’t align with your typical approach. By knowing your dating archetype, Krafchick and Xu explain that you can personalize your dating strategy. Each dating archetype has a “default” way of dating that can work to their advantage but also to their detriment. “Navigating dating with this in mind will help you take a more balanced approach,” they explain.
Krafchick and Xu offer an example of this: If you’re an Energizer, you’re likely approaching dating with a numbers game mentality. You may think going on more dates will give you a better shot at finding love, but all it’s doing is burning you out. You’re not allowing a deeper connection to form when you’re only going surface-level with the people you date. By knowing your archetype, you can lean into all the parts that make you an amazing person to date (your contagious energy, charisma, and social nature!), but give yourself permission to slow down and reflect on what you actually need from a partner. In turn, you can shift your dating strategy to focus more on the quality of your connections than the quantity.
Can you date someone with a different archetype?
Krafchick and Xu explain that dating someone with a different archetype is totally OK, as the archetypes are “there for you to understand yourself and others better.” They aren’t meant to put you, or anyone else, in a box. Knowing your archetype and your partner’s can only benefit you, as it allows you to identify strengths and weaknesses in each other and, subsequently, the relationship.
For example, two Energizers may be great at planning exciting dates but may need to intentionally incorporate downtime to connect and reflect. Knowing this allows couples to proactively create space for both excitement and downtime in their relationship so they can keep the spark alive without burning out. While there will always be some attributes that can better balance each other out, having the same or different dating archetypes does not make or break a relationship. All dating archetypes are dateable!
Hailey Bouche, Associate Editor
As an Associate Editor for The Everygirl, Hailey Bouche oversees, writes, and edits content across various categories on the site. From the pitching stage through publishing, she works alongside the team to ensure that the content that our readers see every day is inspiring, relatable, and timely.