"Growing up, I thought sex just happened naturally. Eye contact or a quick kiss was enough to make your panties drop and give you an orgasm to boot. Of course, I eventually learned that it takes initiation and foreplay before getting to the main event. We all know that foreplay is crucial, but not enough time or attention is put into sexual initiation. It’s often a rushed, awkward, and overlooked act. Subsequently, the default move for communicating you’re in the mood has become the awkward pet: your partner inches closer to you on the couch, puts a hand on your leg, starts rubbing their hand back and forth, and slowly makes their way to your inner thigh… but you’re tired, it’s been a long day, and this is not doing it for you.
It’s not that there is anything inherently wrong with initiating sex this way, but the petting motion can be a little, well, cringe. So, it’s time to switch things up, and we have plenty of ideas to share. Ahead, 10 ways to initiate sex that don’t involve awkward petting.
1. Text them something sexy
When sex is initiated from a distance, it builds sexy anticipation. Sexologist for sexual wellness company Biird, Suzannah Weiss, recommends hinting to your partner that you want to have sex via text early in the day. You can say something like, “I’ve been thinking about you all day,” or “Want to hear what I’d like to do to you later?” If they don’t pick up what you’re putting down, you can table sex for the time being. But if they respond with exclamation points or suggestive emojis, expand upon your initial text. When you meet face-to-face, you’ll be desperate to rip each other’s clothes off.
Suzannah Weiss
Suzannah Weiss is a Sex and Love Coach, author of Subjectified: Becoming a Sexual Subject, and Resident Sexologist for Biird, a female-led, pleasure-positive brand. She has written for publications such as The New York Times, The Washington Post, and New York Magazine, and worked as an editor at Teen Vogue. Weiss also holds a Master of Professional Studies in Sexual Health, as well as a Bachelor of Science in Cognitive Neuroscience and a Bachelor of Arts in Gender & Sexuality Studies and Modern Culture & Media.
2. Light a sex candle
Sometimes, the sexiest things are left unsaid. So the next time you’re in the mood, don’t awkwardly slide up to your partner and tell them you’re horny while petting them ungracefully. Instead, try lighting a sex candle. You can get sex candles that come with naughty inscriptions, like “light when you want me naked,” or designate a specific candle in your house as your light-when-you’re-horny candle. Either way, having one nearby removes the uncomfortable preamble. This is one of the easiest, most non-awkward ways to initiate sex because it tells the other person that you’re interested in sex. Plus, lighting a candle will help set the mood of the room and ignite your sense of smell, which can create a better sexual experience.
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3. Talk dirty
Talking dirty is another fun way to initiate sex, and contrary to popular belief, it can be done without being too graphic (unless you’re into that!). Pleasure Positivity Educator and Founder of ethical porn website FrolicMe, Anna Richards, says seductively whispering in your partner’s ear, “You look so sexy right now,” or “I’ve been thinking about you all day,” works well. This will allow your partner to respond, which will let you know if they’re also in the mood for a romp between the sheets. Plus, nothing’s hotter and more empowering than knowing your partner is fantasizing about you. So this, in turn, might help kickstart their libido and pave the way for an amazing sexual experience.
If you’re not as comfortable with dirty talk or aren’t sure how your partner will respond, Weiss recommends using dirty talk playfully and humorously. You can say something like, “I don’t have anything left to do today… except maybe you,” to try and initiate sex. “It’s helpful to give off a playful, fun, no-pressure vibe when you’re initiating sex so that your partner feels comfortable, turned on, and welcome to share their desires rather than feeling at all obligated to respond a certain way,” Weiss added.
Anna Richards
Anna Richards is a Pleasure Positivity Educator and the Founder of the Ethical Porn site FrolicMe. Anna is passionate about creating explicit content through female eyes and has taken a positive approach to portraying sex online for women, breaking boundaries for female pleasure.
4. Plan a sexy date night
Scheduling sex might sound like the least sexy way to initiate sex, but Richards swears by it, especially for long-term couples. Rather than scheduling it the same way you would an appointment, though, Richards suggests planning a sexy date night instead. It doesn’t need to be overly planned or orchestrated, but prioritizing intimacy throughout the evening (like holding hands and telling your partner how good they look) can ramp up anticipation and excitement for having sex later in the night. Plus, knowing you’re planning to have sex at the end of the night will give you both time to ponder or talk about what you want to do, which will boost your libido and make it easier to get in on the action when the time comes.
5. Ask for or offer to give a massage
Asking your partner for a massage or offering to give them one is a tactic that works—trust me. Massages require clothing removal and work best with oils, and rubbing oil on your partner’s naked body, or feeling their hands on yours, is a sight and sensation too good to resist. It usually organically starts sex. However, asking or offering innocuously is key. For example, asking your partner to massage your lower back because it’s tight or offering them a back massage to relieve tension are prime examples of how to do this that aren’t inherently sexual or forward. Both instances focus on massaging a specific area rather than a full-body rubdown, so nothing is implied. This, in turn, will hopefully allow sex to happen naturally.
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6. Reminisce on past sexual experiences
“Another way to initiate sex is to reminisce on a past sexual experience that you enjoyed with your partner,” Richards told me. Memory is a powerful tool, and this will bring you both back to a magical and sensual time—one that you’ll want to recreate. To do this, Richards recommends saying, “Remember that night when we…” and articulating what you enjoyed most about the experience. Likewise, be sure to hint that you’d like to do it again; you can do this by saying something like, “That made my toes curl, and I’d love to try it again.” Ultimately, this sexy conversation starter opens the door for your partner to talk about what they’d like to do again, too, which can get you both in the mood.
7. Watch porn together
According to Richards, watching porn with your partner is another way to bypass awkward petting during sexual initiation. She explained that it can be used as a starting point to discuss what you’d like to do together, as well as foreplay to turn you both on. Just pulling up porn with no warning would be strange, though, so try initiating sex by telling your partner there’s something you’ve been thinking about and want to try with them. Then, ask if they want to see what it is. If they say yes, you can go ahead and show them. If they say no, though, don’t stress—chances are their curiosity will be piqued. They’ll eventually want to see what’s on your mind.
Either way, this will serve as a fabulous sexual conversation starter while stimulating you and your partner sexually. We love ethical sites, such as FrolicMe or Sssh.com, which offer both video porn and porn alternatives, like audio porn and other erotic content, so there’s something for everyone.
8. Use subtle, suggestive behavior
Although frenzied, rip-your-pants-off sex happens, I think we can all agree that slow and steady often wins the race. “In general, initiating sex is a gradual process,” Weiss explained. Not only do women need time to get adequately aroused, but sex feels less awkward when you ease into it; this is why Weiss recommends using subtle, suggestive behavior to try and initiate sex. Think: lingering your hand on their lower back or hugging them from behind and kissing their neck.
“It shouldn’t be obvious that you’re trying to initiate sex. Rather, it should be implied that having sex is something you’re up for.”
In essence, this is all about being affectionate without being too over the top. It shouldn’t be obvious that you’re trying to initiate sex. Rather, it should be implied that having sex is something you’re up for. This places the ball in their court, and if they reciprocate your behavior by moving closer to you, kissing you, and so forth, you can take things up a notch. Ultimately, this creates a gradual buildup toward sex and makes all the touching, kissing, and foreplay feel less clumsy.
9. Take a bath or shower together
Taking a bath or shower with your partner doesn’t mean you have to have sex while you’re there. If anything, getting naked and dripping wet together can be the perfect prelude to intimacy. The sight is hot AF, and it’s a great way to relax and release stress that might be inhibiting libido. What’s more, this tactic can be used on a planned date night or spur-of-the-moment. The former works best with elements to help set the mood, like candles, champagne, or bath salts, while the latter works best organically, like asking your partner if they want to take a shower or bath with you after you’ve completed a workout together.
10. Be direct
Lastly, telling your partner straight-up that you want them can also be incredibly effective. It saves you from any awkward build-up. Weiss encourages and challenges you to look your partner in the eyes and say exactly what’s on your mind, even if it feels uncomfortable. “Honesty and authenticity are sexy, and often, it’s the fear that you are being awkward that actually makes it awkward,” Weiss said.
When it comes down to it, there’s no substitute for direct communication. This is true both in the bedroom and outside of it when you’re trying to initiate sex. Having the confidence to say, “I want you,” or “I’m in the mood for sex,” can be a major turn-on. Just keep in mind that your partner might not react enthusiastically, and that’s OK. This doesn’t mean they don’t want you. Rather, it might simply mean they don’t want to get down and dirty at the moment. Libido ebbs and flows, and it’s important to respect that. If worst comes to worst, you can always sneak off with your favorite sex toy for a little while.
Arianna Reardon, Contributing Writer
Arianna is a Rhode Island native, professional blogger, and freelance writer. She’s passionate about helping women develop healthy relationships with money, become financially independent, and invest in themselves for the future. Arianna is a firm believer in going after what you want, taking time to stop and smell the roses, and the importance of a good cocktail.